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Contributor

Lost my husband of 48 years

Hi,

My soulmate of 48 years died on Saturday, October 2, 2021.  My heart has a hole the size of him in it and it hurts so bad.  It has just been a little bit over 3 weeks and each day hurts more without him.

I met him in 1969 and at 16 new he was my forever soulmate.  We married in 1973 and have done so many things and planned on doing more during our retirement years.  
I just miss him so bad and each day that goes by is worse than the previous one.  I wasn’t able to cry until this past weekend and now I can’t stop.  I just don’t want to face all the changes and things I need to be doing to move forward.  It just adds pressure on my already grieving self when time restraints are added to changing things from both of us to just me.  I hate going to the mailbox because of it.  I haven’t been able to send thank you cards and food shopping and/or cooking for one just makes me feel sick.

I have tried two weeks of faith based Grief Group but feel worse when each session is over.  
I just want to stay in bed, under the covers and not come out.  I just don’t know how to move on without my soulmate.  

Regular Contributor

Hi, Ruth, I lost my husband of 48 years in mid October 2021.  I met him at school in 1970 so I fully understand your deepfelt loss.  In addition, I was his primary caregiver for almost 2 years and we both went through small triumphs at first and then misery in the last few months.  I am still internalizing my emotions.  I miss him terribly, like you, for many reasons.  His humor, his lifelong support, our partnership, our good times and not so good.  My current challenge like you is handling all the paperwork and death notification while learning how to manage the house responsibilities.  So, while this time has been busy, it has added stress and only now, almost 2 months later, am I beginning to have some free time to relax and reflect.  As one widow friend advised me "do something that makes you happy every day."  Good advice but not always easy to do. Hang in there and talk to those who seem interested in you.  Another friend and neighbor recently told me the grievance stage is really about you and moving forward.  Again, I thought that was true.  While I think of my husband every day, I have to live in the present and future.  The sooner I can do that effectively, I believe that I can lead a meaningful life.  The hardest thing is finding a reliable family of friends who I can trust and who are interested in me.  Many I thought were friends dropped out of the picture.  Accept that as a reality and don't grieve lost relationships.  You have enough to grieve about that is meaningful.  Best wishes during this holiday season. Sue

Contributor

Ruth, my husband died in July and I felt as you do now. I didn't think I could make it another day and if it wasn't for my dog Joy I wouldn't have gotten out of bed... all I can tell that each day will eventually get easier .. you may not be ready for group meetings yet and that's okay .. I too find it difficult to cook so I order food to be delivered, sure it would be cheaper to cook but right now is not the time - just think about keeping yourself nourished, I started by taking a multi vitamin ... I ate cereal for the first month or so... I didn't want to go through the grieving - it was too painful - I wanted to skip over it and felt guilty for feeling like that... I so no reason to continue ... but it's been four months now and although I still have tears - they don't last as long - and I have been working on making myself transition from tears to good memories.. I still haven't cooked but I just started going to the grocery store.. I just go to a different smaller one and I get small items that I can microwave... I also subscribed to one of those food delivery places - they ship single servings... keep talking to God and it's ok if you talk to your spouse too.. I have a picture of mine that I sometimes carry .. be patient with yourself... this is not a sprint... don't let anyone try to rush you.. if you can't get a hold - and you will know - seek help... read all you can about dealing with death. Pray for me as I pray for you.

Periodic Contributor

@RuthF191330, sorry to hear about the loss of your husband.  48 years - that's beautiful and I understand why it's so hard to move forward.  My sincere condolences to you.  I pray that as time passes, your sadness will be replaced with the happy thoughts and loving memories that you and your husband shared together for those 48 wonderful years.  Stay prayerful!  

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