Loss of mother

[ShawntelleW171680]

I lost my mother two years ago and I was her caregiver. I am so lost now! I feel like the first year was getting used to life without taking care of her and working etc. Now I am really missing her and I feel like I don't have a purpose. My kids are 17 and 21. They are self sufficient, I work but find that I have such a void in my life. I have been so depressed and have bad anxiety all the time. I am lost...any tips

[carolp627672]

My mother has been gone for a number of years, but it seems like yesterday.  I miss her so much and though I am a “senior citizen” the void will always be there.  Friends were very supportive and I appreciated their visits and kindness.  Most of all, I was able to see that despite life’s ups and downs there is a purpose in living.  Concentrating on the current earth wide state of affairs one could be discouraged and wonder if things will ever get better. What helped me was focusing on the promise of better times to come based on the Bible. For instance God guarantees a time when death, sickness and pain will be a thing of the past.  The Kingdom we pray for in the

Lord ’s Prayer provides the answer to man’s problems.  Examining the promises made by God helps us focus, not on our anxieties, but on assurances from him because he cannot lie.

I encourage you to take the time to examine Bible evidence for yourself.  If you would like more information and would like to write me I would welcome hearing from you.

CarolP

[SandraG170333]

Hi Carol,

It must be no accident that somehow I ended up reading your post on losing your mum.   I lost mine 4 weeks ago.   My daughter and grand daughter flew over from Australia for my mums 100th birthday, as a surprise, and on the morning of her birthday, we took her to emergency.   It was quick and she  passed 4 days later.  We were shocked, even though she as 100.   Mum was self sufficient, seemed in good health, young looking and acting, happy and vibrant the day before her birthday, so her passing was not expected and I miss her terribly.

 She became my best friend and confident, while living with me in my home, for 7 years .  We were not that close, while I was growing up, and once I left home for college at 18 and then a career, marriage and busy with life’s experiences and challenges, we never really had a chance or time to further and workout our mother/daughter relationship.  I now realize that God gave us the chance to do just that, by giving me the opportunity to care for my mum in my home and for allowing us the time to develop a beautiful and loving relationship full of respect, caring, compassion and friendship.   

My priest, friends and family have told me  that a new chapter in life has now opened up in front of me, and as a single woman, that is a somewhat scary thought.  However, every day I am trying to focus on the thought by Carl Jung, ”I am not what happened to me.  I am what I choose to become.”  So..... I’m getting my house in order, so to speak, will be becoming more social, and hopfully finding a job that I’ll enjoy, and asking God for direction. But....every day, I will be missing my beautiful mum, as you do Carol, and hearing her loving, encouraging voice in my head.

God Bless,

Sandra G

[AmandaSingleton]

Hi Shawntelle:  Thank you for reaching out and I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and the pain you are feeling.  The holiday season and the transition into the new year can expose our grief; it all can feel a little more raw during a time of year full of memories and expectations. 

Have you reached out for resources to help with the symptoms of anxiety and depression you're experiencing?  Talking to a professional and getting some tools that can help you manage these totally normal responses can make all the difference (in your perception, your physical health, how you move forward, and so on).  If you're not ready to go that direction, have you thought about talking to a trusted clergyperson, friend, or local grief support groups?  Sometimes, just vocalizing what we're feeling helps tremendously.

I'll share what helped me when I felt lacking in purpose:  1) helping others.  I started working with a nonprofit that serves women and children, and also taking pro bono cases to help other caregivers of cancer patients, and that lifted me up; and 2) this may sound a little silly, but throwing parties.  In 2012-2013, I was so bereft by the loss of my parents, several friends, and a child we knew.  I couldn't be happy for myself.  But, as they say, the world keeps turning, and other people in my circles had things to be happy about.  So, that year, I planned a baby shower for a friend, a cocktail party for my husband's leadership class (which led to me joining leadership and opening up lots of new friendships and business opportunities), and a wedding anniversary party for my in-laws.   For that period of time, bringing joy to others was one of the only ways I could feel connected.   

Is there any hobby or activity you used to do before caregiving that you would like to return to?  Is there a cause or charity that speaks to you that you could volunteer your time and talents?  My thoughts are that new things can fill these voids for us.  They'll never replace your loved one, or your love for them, but they can give your brain and heart something to focus on and a bit of a direction in a direction-less time.  

Sending you a big hug as you're missing your mom and moving into this next phase of your life. 

Amanda

[ShawntelleW171680]

Thank you Amanda!