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Re: Living life as a widow/ widower

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Message 11 of 27

I had previously lost my mother, father and sister and grieved differently for each one.  However, my husband of 36 years just passed away on July 28th this year and it has been a totally different type of grief.  One I sometimes cannot bear!  It hurts in my stomach as well as my heart!  He was my rock and my best friend and a man I looked up to.  He was a good, generous man who loved me so much.  I buried him in October and still feeling so lost and in a fog and sometimes feel he will return but I really know better.  My children have been so supportive calling me and listening and I know they worry about me as I have always worried about them.  I have a new grandchild born a month before my spouse died and she is a very sweet child and bring me lots of pleasure; but still I come home to my loneliness.  His birthday is this month and with the holidays approaching it saddens me even more.  I try waking up every morning and thanking God for all I have and all the years I had with him.  It helps to think of the good times and good memories.  He had dementia pretty bad the last 2 years so he wasn't really himself but still a gently wonderful man.  I know he is with me, I have had my signs but I don't feel his wonderful hugs and we always held hands every day all the time.  Life isn't the same and will never be the same.  Next year I plan to try doing some travelling.  Something we both enjoyed!  Still travelling alone is not the same. I hope all of you who are going through the same feelings will get through the holidays and smile when you think of your loved one in Heaven.

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Re: Living life as a widow/ widower

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Message 12 of 27

It’s a new chapter in life.  Keep talking and let it all out.  Anger is the biggest problem i have to deal with.  I lost my spouse in April no children but we has two dogs of which the Lab I had to put down in June.  I adopted two new puppies and loving my life with them.  I recommend a book “It’s ok that your not ok” by Megan Devine.  Another one is Healing after Loss, daily meditations for working thru grief author Martha Whitmore Hickman.  Be patient and know your spouse loved you very much and their with you in spirit.  

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Re: Living life as a widow/ widower

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Message 13 of 27

Not sure how to start. I lost a wonderful woman six weeks ago. we had been married for 47 years. We have  one beautiful daughter.

I miss her so much. We worked in the community and in our chosen vocations. She truly made me a better human being. I am not sure what the days will bring. but I promised her I would not give up. I dwalk thrru days in a fog.  Will try to finish at another time.

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Re: Living life as a widow/ widower

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Message 14 of 27

I can relate.  I have been a widow for almost 1 year. Just stating the word widow sounds very foreign to me. I was married for 32 wonderful years.  My husband was my partner in business and my partner at home.  We were inseparable.  Like you, I also have many friends who were couples friends.  Now I stand alone and often feel like the 5th wheel when socializing with them. Some days are ok, some are not.  The lonliness can be overwhelming at times. When that happens, I try to remind myself everyday that life is fleeting and I need to focus on all the blessings I do have in my life and be forever grateful.   I currently attend a bereavement group, which I find helpful.  If you care to join, just let me know. 

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Re: Living life as a widow/ widower

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Message 15 of 27

It’s been five months since I lost my husband of 30 years.  He was very ill physical and mentally.  I was his full time caregiver for the last fifteen years.  I’m unable to really miss the loving glances, kisses and hugs because they were nonexistent at the end.  I’ve always preferred men’s company over woman I guess I was a Tom boy.  I had to put my twelve year lab down four months ago.  Which was the hardest thing I have ever done.

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Re: Living life as a widow/ widower

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Message 16 of 27

I just read what you have written and yes it is challenging to meet new persons to just be around.  You have put into words what I am feeling right now the grief and I have learned that no matter how long my late husband Richard is not here with me any more, he was my best friend and I was his best friend also, when I was dealing with having Congested heart failure he took care of me and when I was better his blood flow in his legs dried up and he was in a lot of pain, I took care of him at home even when he could no longer walk in the 10 years of knowing him and he had the talk with me before he transition. He said lets face it I will not be here anymore and when you are ready move on to meet someone new. That for me was very important to hear Richard said that and mean it before he took his last breath a week later. I have been alone for 12 years and now I can laugh at the things he did that made me laugh. I have kept myself busy by taking classes also my granddaughter calls me Nana, last year on July 22, my 87 year old mom breath her last breath. and it just been a year since she is gone also I am missing my dad and my brothers, Aunts, uncles and others that have transition before my sister and myself like my grandparents. Right now I am just going through but I am okay. It is hard when I had to reteach myself how to downsize my dishes for one person and it is okay.

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Re: Living life as a widow/ widower

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Message 17 of 27

Thanks for this.

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Re: Living life as a widow/ widower

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Message 18 of 27

My heart goes out to anyone in this "club."  It is a tough one, for sure. I was widowed at age 57 after being with my husband for 37 years. We met when I was age 20, so I had never really been a full adult on my own. My heart was broken to lose him.  He had been very healthy and then got hit hard with cancer and was gone in 8 months.  We have three grown children and my first grandchild was born 7 weeks after my husband died. So there was joy amidst the tears. Having children helps but it doesn't take away the primary pain...It is not a substitute.  However, it is a comfort. On the other hand, I could also feel their grief at losing their father. He was a wonderful man.  We all know that death and loss is part of life, but we also all hope loss will be delayed. I would tell people that I could have easily enjoyed another three decades with Tim. But God or destiny had other plans. 

 

I did not date, but a few months after the 5-year mark, I felt the soul of my husband bless me and tell me to be open to love and it was coming soon. I was floored because my defense mechanism was to say I had topped out with Tim and I wasn't looking. The next day a friendship with an old family friend started to blossom in a special way. We were careful to take it slowly each step of the way because we didn't want to risk losing the friendship for the sake of a romance. But now have both love and friendship.  I think of it as God's grace... 

 

So, no matter what - if you are widowed, take the time to develop your friendships and your hobbies. It can be lonely to live alone and eat alone, etc. If so, seek out some solutions...I wish you all the best. 

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Re: Living life as a widow/ widower

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Message 19 of 27

The pain of grief is both universal and unsharable. We can only understand out own pain, but I was surprised to see the description of the shock of facing the death of a loved one clearly described in a light weight novel. That had to come from a real experience.

 

Dating is dreadful, too much higharchy and sexism, but don't be afraid to go out with those health problems. I have lost as many healthies as sickies, and if it because they only talk about their health, they are probably bored and lonely, not self-centered. People often blossom when you get to know them - except for real egotists - red flag there.

 

Get to know more undatable people, some are truly interesting, and also social connections work via networking just like work connections.

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Re: Living life as a widow/ widower

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Message 20 of 27

Nearing my goal for SSA benefits, I was downsized, nursed my husband post elective surgery, lost my husband unexpectedly (the paperwork, the lost e-photos) , got diagnosed with cancer, had to euthanize my pets and had to sell my house, all in a matter of days. Two years on, I would love to work part time, volunteer for good causes, and become active in community. My health is really too poor for any of those, but I am too healthy for assisted living - talk about your do-nut hole!

 

Re-invent is not the right word, maybe re-identify. 

 

I would love to hang out with guys, other than sports (zzz), I love guy talk. Guys are thin on the ground.

 

I would love to live near my adult child but she is overseas, and visas are complicated.

 

I am trying to be more involved with my local senior center, I am working out with a fitness coach, I am learning to travel alone (trains are better than planes, but harder to get to). Loneliness is painful, but boredom is far worse. My next effort is to try to figure out how to find and vet and join online interest groups.

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