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Living life as a widow/ widower

Alone after 51 years of being a wife to a wonderful man. Years of wonderful memories and then those caregiving years at the end. It’s been 5 years since my husbands death but it seems like yesterday. I miss him. I miss the closeness, the touching, the loving looks, waking up beside him and kissing him goodnight. I miss knowing I was loved and the confidence that comes with that knowledge. I’m adrift. Oh! I look good on the outside. Getting it all done and holding it together. But I’m lonely at times. Women friends are nice but.... I miss male companionship. The fellows I know are either married, have medical problems, or looking for that 55 year old chick to make them feel young. I’d love a male companion. How about you? 

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Just a quick note that is positive. After 2 1/2 days of wondering if I will always be in a mental and physical fog of fatigue, I have had 2 days of feeling like a normal person. It is like a huge suffocating weight is lifted. If it has happened with me, then it must, and will, happen to lots of people.

Regular Contributor

I hope your day is going well. Stay strong and be positive. You'll pull through. We all have our issues in life. We fall down, get back up and soldier on.

R.

Regular Contributor

Just a quick note that is positive. After 2 1/2 days of wondering if I will always be in a mental and physical fog of fatigue, I have had 2 days of feeling like a normal person. It is like a huge suffocating weight is lifted. If it has happened with me, then it must, and will, happen to lots of people.

Regular Contributor

It’s a new chapter in life.  Keep talking and let it all out.  Anger is the biggest problem i have to deal with.  I lost my spouse in April no children but we has two dogs of which the Lab I had to put down in June.  I adopted two new puppies and loving my life with them.  I recommend a book “It’s ok that your not ok” by Megan Devine.  Another one is Healing after Loss, daily meditations for working thru grief author Martha Whitmore Hickman.  Be patient and know your spouse loved you very much and their with you in spirit.  

Contributor

I am widowed for 1 1/2 years now.  I think I am coping.  I feel bored as all my friends are couples...the people we always hung around with.     They take me places but it is not the same.  I would love to have a friend to go to the movies with or just be social with.  Not sure I want a relationship as I was in one for 40 years.  Can't imagine another one.   It sounds silly but I suppose it would be one step at a time.   My kids are nearby and that is nice. My 94 year old mother lilves wth me but is deaf so there is no talking.  I think I need to join something.   I retired Jan 2017 and he died the end of the month.  I am just sort of existing but not really living the way I would like to.  

 

Can anyone relate?

 

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I can relate.  I have been a widow for almost 1 year. Just stating the word widow sounds very foreign to me. I was married for 32 wonderful years.  My husband was my partner in business and my partner at home.  We were inseparable.  Like you, I also have many friends who were couples friends.  Now I stand alone and often feel like the 5th wheel when socializing with them. Some days are ok, some are not.  The lonliness can be overwhelming at times. When that happens, I try to remind myself everyday that life is fleeting and I need to focus on all the blessings I do have in my life and be forever grateful.   I currently attend a bereavement group, which I find helpful.  If you care to join, just let me know. 

Regular Contributor

Love is a quality that is highly esteemed  and in the Greek language it has different shades of meaning.  There are four forms of love used in Greek based on content.  Eros describes romantic love between husband and wife and one of the synonyms for this love is “devotion”.  This is the quality of love that existed between you and your husband. Love is not   pre-programmed.  It has to be learned.  This affection is vital between husband and wife to have a successful marriage.  Both have to work together to apply this type of love. A marriage with this love is one to be cherished.

The loss of a marriage partner is a life altering situation.  It is a void that cannot easily be filled.  Steps must be taken to close that void.  Our mind and time must be occupied with up building, positive thoughts.  The best way to do that is to concentrate on the hope and promises made by the Creator of marriage, Almighty God.  The Bible provides a guarantee of better times to come.

The Bible also reveals that mankind is in a sinful state, subject to sin and death.  No one is exempt from this sentence, but along with this unfavorable condition the Bible offers hope that is most comforting to those who grieve.   It is a hope of a resurrection and to reassure us of its truthfulness the Bible provides nine [9] accounts of resurrections: Jairus’ daughter and Lazarus are two of them. How is this possible?  Remember that the “Lord’s Prayer” encourages us to pray for God’s Kingdom.  It is this Kingdom that will bring about these wonderful blessings and Jesus would not have made this promise if it wasn’t guaranteed by his father Almighty God because he cannot lie. 

There are so many comforting promises that direct our attention to a positive future.  I would be pleased to share them with you and you can email me if you like.  Also, the website jw.org will provide answers to your questions.

I hope this information has helped you through your sorrow.

 

Periodic Contributor

I can relate very much. Death is an experience that no one else can relate to, unless they've experienced it. It sounds like when you go out with the couples you did with you partner that its different and even boring because you are different now.  I would consider myself as more experienced in understanding a part of life that they may not know.  They still have a partner and you don't.  I feel that the older I get the more accustomed we become to death, because it's just a part of life. The way we approach it is what counts and shows who we are.  I heard all of the things people say after losing a partner:  time heals all things; take one step at a time or one day at a time; get involved in new things; join a new club, etc. It's easy to say, but more difficult to do.  I think it all comes down to change. The older we get the less we like change, even though it is inevitable. For me, I've had to see my new life as a journey, a process and recognize that if I don't like the path I'm walking, then walk a new path.  One that does make me happy.  I can't fill in my loss with another person.  It is learning a new way to live my new life without him.  I chose to move because the same house meant the same routines and I needed to let go of what I was, although I still have memories.  I can't say I'm happier, but I've learned to appreciate those moments I do have of happiness much more. The friendships I have are much deeper now.  Everyone experiences grief and loss in a very different way.  It is about allowing those moments of sadness and know that I'm going to live on with the  resilience to keep on living and experiencing life's journey.  I look at life as a totally new experience - now I can do anything I want and go anywhere.  I need to be complete in who I am first, because there is a new part of me now. There may be men who show up along the way.  I recognize that I can't be the person I was and if I want to have something or someone new, I need to change and be the new me, so there's room for someone new.  It's different for everyone, but these are my thoughts. Blessings.

Alexandria A
Regular Contributor

AARP debpin

February 5, 2021

 

Hello. I realize this response is somewhat belated but I’m sure your feelings about your lost loved one are still fresh. 

 

It is difficult to lose a loved one, but over time the hurt lessens.  Additionally, comforting information is obtainable from a reliable source.  It’s not like information that changes periodically through scheduled updates made by humans. This is a resource that provides the basis for marriage and doesn’t change.  That basis is love.  Without love a marriage will not last or thrive. It sounds like you had a solid marriage.

 

Remember the very romantic words Adam said to Eve, “this is last bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh”.  Although Adam said these words, Eve was to show respect to her husband.  Both husband and wife must work together to apply the love described in the Bible.  The Greek word is [Eros]. 

 

Did you know that there is a promise that we may see our loved ones again? This is possible through a resurrection.  This is no dream because it is made by an author who cannot lie – Almighty God.

 

The Bible reveals that we are all subject to the effects of sin, and a consequence of sin is death. However, we have a loving Heavenly Father and he offers steps we can take to minimize the hurt we feel over the loss of a loved one:

          [1]     Fill our mind and time with positive, up building thoughts

          [2]     Concentrate on the hope and promises made by the Creator of marriage

          [3]     Believe that this author cannot lie

          [4]     Increase our Bible knowledge through Bible study

 

Unfortunately, no one can escape effects of sin and death.  Only the Bible offers reliable hope to those grieve.  Proof is provided that God can restore to life those in his memory.  This fact is clearly shown by the [9] resurrections recorded in the Bible.  How is this possible? You are most likely familiar with the Lord’s Prayer. [Mt. 6:9, 10]  In it Jesus refers to God’s Kingdom.  It is through this Kingdom that resurrection is possible.  Keep in mind that Jesus would not have made this promise [John 5:28, 29] if it was not guaranteed by his Father. [Titus 1:2]

There are many other comforting promises that direct our attention to a positive future. Below is a link to a copy of the tract  ”Can the Dead Really Live Again?”  that provides additional scriptural comfort.

https://www.jw.org/finder?srcid=jwlshare&wtlocale=E&prefer=lang&pub=T-35

 

Please review the scriptures quoted in this posting and information obtainable on the website jw.org. 

 

If you would like additional information, I hope you can contact me through the AARP website.

 

 

Contributor

Your story and mine are so similar. I especially  don’t like to eat dinner alone. I have women friends and I do my best filling my days. I’d love to have a male friend not necessarily a lover but most I know are married, have medical problems or are looking for the 50 year old to boost their ego. I think I have a lot to offer and I’m not going to be a nurse or a purse for any man. Just a good male friend is all I want. I think. 

Periodic Contributor

I understand how living with one person for so long connects us to them on so many different levels.  There will never be another husband like the one you had.  However, the emptiness that is being felt can be filled in so many other ways without requiring it to come from another person. Consider how long your relationship was and many years it took to reach the level that it did.  Those would be very difficult shoes to fill for any man.  As a woman, I suggest that you find your personal passion.  Find what make you feel fufilled and complete, in a new way.  Loving yourself always comes before we love other or others can love us.  Find that love again within yourself first and it will come.  You have everything that you need already, you need only to look inside.  Read Dr. Eric Pearl's The Reconnection.  Take up Yoga, Pilates, Waterskiing, or find or hire a work out partner. Take belly dancing classes, or travel.  List all of the things that you want to do in your life and start doing them.  Gal pals, friends are still very important. Grief Groups are also a great way to deal with the loss of someone, even after 5 years.... wishing you well. 

Alexandria A
Periodic Contributor

Oh thank you for putting my feelings into words.  It has been three years for me.  August 15, 2015.  I have few friends left, they have seen me at my best and my worst.  I stayed in the house for quite a long time It is hard at meal times, 37 years came and went with each day a new happiness or joy of just being together.  I remember after the first week of his death I woke up and thought he was still there rolled over to emptiness, knowing it was never going to be the same again.  I thought what will I do now, how can I live without that love?  It was all I knew.  No other men have been in my life.  My Father. but not a lover, or a friend so special.  He knew all of my emotions, he showed me so much we shared so much.  everydasy we left the house, and he would say well which direction today?  I would choose north east south or west and we drove.  We talked.  We laughed.  We reminesced.  talked of the joys of one Granddaughter  and 4 children.  The beauty of whatever we found to see that day.  We shared a cup of coffee at cafe's along the way.  turned around to do it again the next day.  I remember a pond we stopped at I closed my eyes and felt the sunshine and the breeze on my face I closed my eyes and told him when I go I want to feel like this , he agreed.  I hope he went back there  Life is different but I try and find some beauty everyday, just to remind me of what I had.  I wish you peace

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