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Living life as a widow/ widower

Alone after 51 years of being a wife to a wonderful man. Years of wonderful memories and then those caregiving years at the end. It’s been 5 years since my husbands death but it seems like yesterday. I miss him. I miss the closeness, the touching, the loving looks, waking up beside him and kissing him goodnight. I miss knowing I was loved and the confidence that comes with that knowledge. I’m adrift. Oh! I look good on the outside. Getting it all done and holding it together. But I’m lonely at times. Women friends are nice but.... I miss male companionship. The fellows I know are either married, have medical problems, or looking for that 55 year old chick to make them feel young. I’d love a male companion. How about you? 

Periodic Contributor

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Newbie

It's been 4 years for me. I'm not sure I'll ever get "over" the loss of my hubby, my soulmate, my best friend. What 

Newbie

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Missing him

My husband also died 4 years ago on May 27, 2016. He had sarcoidosis in his lungs. He died fulling aware, his lungs just gave out. I too was his caregiver. I talk to him all the time and ask him to watch over our 4 sons, their wives and our 6 grandchildren. 
I am blessed with a strong faith and close faith community. The family gets together often and talk about dad. It makes me feel good. 

Regular Contributor

I too love talking about my spouse. That way they are still in our lives
Regular Contributor

I have been a widower for three years, this year is the worst, I miss my best friend so much, I don't know how to feel better. 

Trusted Contributor

I truly feel for you. My husband passed away 18 years ago. Some days, it might as well be 18 minutes. I've learned to keep busy and volunteering seems to soothe my soul. I love this quote and hope it's helpful. “If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.” 

Newbie

Love your quote, thank you. 

Lost my husband 1 year ago, this weekend has been sad for me. He had Lewy body Dementia, I was his caregiver.

Contributor

Much of the loss and pain is felt even if you aren't married and it is awful when they won't let you in the ambulance.  You know it is bad when a man introduces himself as the chaplain when you just arrived at the emergency room family/friends waiting line.  I went back to the house without him..no one to call as it was so late..just stayed up all night, cleaning the house and crying.  I had known Chuck for almost 14 years, lived with him 8 years and built a successful business with him.  I was the one that introduced him to the opportunity/light bulb moment for the business.  After his death, his sister then stole all the hotel commission checks even though she verbally to-my-face said she'd reimburse me for them.  She did help to get the business ownership changed to me, but it took a long time to get the hotels to change the address for the commission checks.  Chuck died Jan. 4, 2014 and my first commission check arrived Mar. 27.  I also experienced sensing he was with me and rolling over in bed and realizing he wasn't..and it was so real.  I tried going to a therapist for a month & all she did was take my money.  No, I don't want another relationship..just want to say that much of what I read on the AARP website article coincided with what I felt even though we weren't married..but you see, we worked day in and day out together.

Trusted Contributor

When my husband died, I was overwhelmed with new responsibilities, most of which revolved around money. Hospital bills, a condo we’d just purchased and moved into four days earlier, and much more. We were both 55 at the time and I was devastated and overwhelmed. More changes revolved around family and friends, many of whom faded into the woodwork of time. Eighteen years later, I treasure the relationships that remained loyal.  

 

You can read all the books about surviving loss, attend workshops, even get professional help. These are all good things, but sometimes, it’s the small things that give you hope and courage to keep moving. In my case, there are a few pieces of wisdom that have gotten me through the really hard times. My son offered, “Live in his honor, Mom.” When I am feeling low, I know that my husband truly wouldn’t want me moping around. He was a positive guy. Months after his passing, I dared to ask a neighbor who had lost his wife a few years earlier if the hurt ever gets better. He said I can promise you that the “sting” will go away. As time rolled into years, yes, I still miss my husband, but it doesn’t hurt so much. Lastly, my husband died on my grandson’s birthday. He had just turned nine and Andy confessed that he’d never have another happy birthday. Well, divine intervention gave me a quick response to his genuine concern. I told him that grandpa had to pick a special day to leave us and he picked his birthday because he knew we would have many good reasons to celebrate. Those words seemed to comfort us both and still do.  

Periodic Contributor

I lost my Husband a little over a year and a half ago.The first  few months were very hard.But bit by bit join a health  club.Which my insurance pays for.Then went to our local  Senior Center to check it out.Became a member found many people  I knew from my years of working.Just made up my mind I was not going to be a third wheel.I just get out there and go.We were married 41 years time to move  ahead. 

Regular Contributor

I lost my husband of 30 years nine months ago and am having trouble wanting to socialize.  Good to hear its on the horizon 

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Its there you  will find the way that it s right for  you

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I had previously lost my mother, father and sister and grieved differently for each one.  However, my husband of 36 years just passed away on July 28th this year and it has been a totally different type of grief.  One I sometimes cannot bear!  It hurts in my stomach as well as my heart!  He was my rock and my best friend and a man I looked up to.  He was a good, generous man who loved me so much.  I buried him in October and still feeling so lost and in a fog and sometimes feel he will return but I really know better.  My children have been so supportive calling me and listening and I know they worry about me as I have always worried about them.  I have a new grandchild born a month before my spouse died and she is a very sweet child and bring me lots of pleasure; but still I come home to my loneliness.  His birthday is this month and with the holidays approaching it saddens me even more.  I try waking up every morning and thanking God for all I have and all the years I had with him.  It helps to think of the good times and good memories.  He had dementia pretty bad the last 2 years so he wasn't really himself but still a gently wonderful man.  I know he is with me, I have had my signs but I don't feel his wonderful hugs and we always held hands every day all the time.  Life isn't the same and will never be the same.  Next year I plan to try doing some travelling.  Something we both enjoyed!  Still travelling alone is not the same. I hope all of you who are going through the same feelings will get through the holidays and smile when you think of your loved one in Heaven.

Periodic Contributor

I agree with you totally that losing one's spouse is so different from other losses. When you lose your spouse, you lose your way of life, and for a long time you feel disoriented, and you question whether you can survive the loneliness and despair. I lost my husband last August 2018 and I am still feeling like I can't do it, like I am losing my mind. But I know that so may others survived this ordeal and so will I. It will just take time. Meantime, one has to get involved in life again by helping others, volunteering maybe. I wonder if anyone has suggestions on that.

Thank you.

Regular Contributor

It’s been five months since I lost my husband of 30 years.  He was very ill physical and mentally.  I was his full time caregiver for the last fifteen years.  I’m unable to really miss the loving glances, kisses and hugs because they were nonexistent at the end.  I’ve always preferred men’s company over woman I guess I was a Tom boy.  I had to put my twelve year lab down four months ago.  Which was the hardest thing I have ever done.

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Periodic Contributor

I lost my husband 5 months ago and I am still in disbelief. It's hard to rebuild your life when you miss the most important part of it, your man. I have a few women friends, all married and not quite able to understand what I am going through. We go out to lunch occasionally, but I have not been out to a dinner at night since my husband died. Eating by myself at home is not fulfilling, and even though I used to love to cook, I don't see the point to do that anymore. I wonder what future will bring, if anything. So I travel visiting my children and g-children, but I am getting tired of traveling too.

I guess, I will have to find some activity that will bring meaning to my life, to make it worth living again.

 

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Hello, just be patient and kind with yourself, for now you are in the early stages of grieving process. I  know because when my late husband died on June 1, 2006 at 6:30 pm at home where I took care of him. At first what help me was a good friend who I was able to call her at anytime and I  would write down what I felt but mostly praying and talking to God help me. Then in December of 2007 I travel overseas on a trip with a church member who needed my help since they were in a wheelchair most of the day. Then at times during the year I still miss my late husband Richard but he is not in pain anymore, when I was able I attended a grief group for a little while at first then on his birthday, our wedding anniversary, thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday and around the time I met him I cry and it gotten better for my emotions when I think of the funny things he did that made me laugh about 2016. Then I was ready to make new friends that are my best friend forever and big brothers. Also from 2009 to present I have been taken classes from early childhood education, computer applications also ministry classes, I am saying to be patient don't do or make any major changes right now in your life. It took me 6 to 8 months to give Richard's things away such as his clothes and a friend help me with that also for 6 months to a year off and on I went to one on one counseling there is nothing wrong in going for counseling through your church or local organization. I encourage you to keep telling others how you are feeling and write it down in a journal or notebook. One day you will reread what you written. I hope you feel better, it does get better and you have your memories of you life with your spouse.  

 

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Periodic Contributor

Thank you for your advice. Yes it is tough and yes I do feel heavy. The gym allows me some escape. The tears and lonely feelings are starting to subside. ( They still hover with alarming surprise.) The Woman I lost was so great. 

We talked about what I would be doing about this time in my life. my promise was to look after our daughter and myself. 

Sleeping is tough but managable. 

Periodic Contributor

My kids are older and I have  grandkids.But the pain is there. Be strong for you Daughter .Good Luck to you. Sorry  for your lost.

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Thank you for your kindness. Yes I am still reeling and even questioning. But, I am glad we talked about these moment before the situation arrived.  

Yes i miss her so much,but I will live on do the work that I promised her I would compete.  Thanks again for your words.

My daughter and I are even closer now. She is GREAT!!

 

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April, 2020 will be two years for me as a widow.  I'm sad to hear that at the three year mark is no better.  Yikes!  This sadness and emotional outbursts are a bit much for me.  I've been dealing with Shingles (get vaccine) and nerve pain awful.  Worst pain I've had.

 

Keep talking and reaching out it helps me a lot.

Regular Contributor

I too am a two year old widow.  It doesn’t get better however the emotional don’t last all day.

 

 

 

Regular Contributor

In the last year I’ve been fighting shingles mostly the nerve pain. This experience is making me realize in no uncertain terms, that I’m Alone!, Which I am now kinda ready to live My life on my terms. I had to put down my twelve year old lab two weeks after the memorial. I was so depressed I adopted two puppies. Crazy I kinda thought but they are my Angels.
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My has been 8yrs and it is still bad for me not sleeping still talk about him all the time

Periodic Contributor

Thank you for your kindness. Yes I am still reeling and even questioning. But, I am glad we talked about these moment before the situation arrived.  

Yes i miss her so much,but I will live on do the work that I promised her I would compete.  Thanks again for your words.

My daughter and I are even closer now. She is GREAT!!

 

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Periodic Contributor

We have been married for 49 years and cannot imagine the loneliness and pain felt at the loss of a loved one.  As with many couples, we have had good times as well as bad but we managed to get through them and move forward.  As I look at pictures we’ve taken over the years it’s hard to believe how much we’ve changed through aging. Medical issues that we never imagined would affect us have slowed us down and we find ourselves occupied with doctors’ appointments, physical therapy sessions, and various medications.  Despite these inconveniences we are glad to be alive and believe there is more to life than these interruptions. To wake up each day, see the sun and the marvels of creation, makes one wonder if we are on the earth to live just a few years and eventually die. It seems when we reach an age when we can enjoy the fruits of our labor, life ends.  When we analyze the way we were created isn’t it possible that we were created to live indefinitely?  When I’ve examined that question, I found that man and woman were created with eternal life in view.  As amazing as that sounds my skepticism led me to research that question.  First, I knew that  no self-help book written by a human would provide a satisfying answer. Second, as I dug, my investigation took me to an unassailable author – Almighty God. As simplistic as that sounds, who can offer a more satisfying answer to our questions? I found great comfort in knowing that if we lose our mate, the Bible offers comfort through the hope of a resurrection.  It provides proof by supplying actual accounts of nine [9] past resurrections.  I encourage you to read these accounts because you will feel the sheer happiness relatives of those individuals felt when reunited with their loved ones. What straightforward comfort these passages give. Most of all, this author cannot lie.  Of course, these accounts might seem unbelievable to many, but it takes faith reinforced by a careful examination of the Bible to appreciate the reliability of this promise. If we lose a loved one we have the hope of seeing them again through this marvelous provision. The Bible does not give a date when this will occur, but it does reveal that circumstances on the earth would deteriorate to an abominable state in a short timeframe. As we see these prophecies fulfilled, now is not the time to lose hope.  Find out what wonderful opportunity the Bible offers to obedient mankind.

If you would like more information, please consult the website jw.org and feel free to write me.

Periodic Contributor

Have a wonderfully blessed day, God Blessed you. 

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Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I value your suggestions, like to write down the feelings I have, and see how that changes over time. Also, to keep the best memories of my husband and to take time healing. Thank you.
Periodic Contributor

Your so very welcome, I just had to share with you what my experience was like.

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