AARP Online Community and Discussion Forums - Re: Husband of 41 years died suddenly

BernadetteC961160 · ‎09-13-2021

My husband went in to the hospital on Monday morning on Feb 8 2021 and died on Tuesday afternoon Feb 9, 2021. It was very sudden. He had a stroke and fluid and blood in his lungs. He was only 63.This was 7 months ago, and I still can not get over it. It still hurts every day. What makes it worse I live alone, so I come home to an empty house every day after work. Where I work there are very few people so I am basically alone every day and night. My son does come by almost every Sunday which I appreciate, but it's all that time in between.

We were married for 41 years, but together for 46.

I feel so lost and so lonely. I joined a bereavement group, starts this Saturday.

I also am trying to volunteer but have not had too many things that appeal to me.

I have a lot of one way conversations, either with John (my husband) or the dog, neither can respond

sh58233857 · ‎12-19-2021

Have you thought about calling "hotlines"? I did that during a very rough grief experienced and would call them all the time. The hotlines are staffed by volunteers who want to listen and offer support. I found it helpful. You can call any hotline. Look up local hotlines and hotlines in your state. You can also call the national suicide hotline (that's what it is called) and you do not have to be suicidal to call. They say that right on the recording. I am very sorry for your loss. Peace and love to you.

SueS788527 · ‎12-09-2021

Bernadette, I feel your pain as I read your message. It is hard losing your partner and soul mate for such a long time. I knew my husband for 50 years, married 48 years, and each day I think of him and what he would say or do as I live through the day. It is reassuring since he passed in mid-October. I know he will always be part of my life and am now trying to cope with the loss and live in the present. Not easy for many reasons, some of which you already mentioned - being alone, deciding what your life's purpose will be, an apparent lack of support other than your son. Unfortunately, that is not all that unusual. Build your confidence in yourself and think of other family of friends you can establish. There are other kindred spirits out there also looking for a friend. Perhaps your local faith group can be a source of comfort. Having said all that, this time of the season is tough for both of us, and I am taking it slow and as my Rector said, being gentle to myself. God bless, Sue

Anonymous · ‎10-01-2021

@BernadetteC961160 wrote:
My husband went in to the hospital on Monday morning on Feb 8 2021 and died on Tuesday afternoon Feb 9, 2021. It was very sudden. He had a stroke and fluid and blood in his lungs. He was only 63.This was 7 months ago, and I still can not get over it. It still hurts every day. What makes it worse I live alone, so I come home to an empty house every day after work. Where I work there are very few people so I am basically alone every day and night. My son does come by almost every Sunday which I appreciate, but it's all that time in between.
We were married for 41 years, but together for 46.
I feel so lost and so lonely. I joined a bereavement group, starts this Saturday.
I also am trying to volunteer but have not had too many things that appeal to me.
I have a lot of one way conversations, either with John (my husband) or the dog, neither can respond

👋 I am so sorry for your loss @BernadetteC961160 😭

PaulB803124 · ‎09-19-2021

My heartfelt condolences on your profound loss. "Still not over it" in only 7 months? Please give yourself time! Just about every community has a widows group and I know it brought great comfort to my mother-in-law when she lost her husband at 53 yrs old after being together since they were 17. Have your son help find groups, and reach out to the social workers at the hospital where he passed. They should have a bead on resources too. Some may focus on sudden loss too. In any event please get your self support because no one should go through this trauma alone. Every good wish to you.

StaceyR327714 · ‎09-14-2021

Bless both your hearts.

Stacey R. Roberts

Brightpool · ‎09-14-2021

Years ago, after my first divorce, I went to a group meeting not intended for healing, per se, and met a widow. When I mentioned my recent divorce, she told me that she had lost her husband, but she felt sorry for those of us who were victims of divorce. She said she knew that her husband loved her and did not reject her right up to the end, while those of us who experienced divorce not only had the grieving for the loss to contend with but also the utter and total rejection by the one who proclaimed undying love at one time.

If you experienced the love from your husband right up to the end, then you have that foundation to work with as you grieve.

Just remember, the first rule of grieving is that only you and your emotions can determine its length and depth. Nobody else can determine for you how long and how deep you must grieve for your loss.

Another woman I met only on line, with whom I discussed such losses, sent me a book called, "How to Survive the Loss of a Love." Along with other things, the book described how we will have good days and bad days. Recovering is not a straight line but more like a roller coaster. Eventually, though, one day's lows will still be higher than a previous day's highs.

I wish you solace in your path.

Stay well.

-Lynn

Anonymous · ‎10-01-2021

@Brightpool wrote:
Years ago, after my first divorce, I went to a group meeting not intended for healing, per se, and met a widow. When I mentioned my recent divorce, she told me that she had lost her husband, but she felt sorry for those of us who were victims of divorce. She said she knew that her husband loved her and did not reject her right up to the end, while those of us who experienced divorce not only had the grieving for the loss to contend with but also the utter and total rejection by the one who proclaimed undying love at one time.
If you experienced the love from your husband right up to the end, then you have that foundation to work with as you grieve.
Just remember, the first rule of grieving is that only you and your emotions can determine its length and depth. Nobody else can determine for you how long and how deep you must grieve for your loss.
Another woman I met only on line, with whom I discussed such losses, sent me a book called, "How to Survive the Loss of a Love." Along with other things, the book described how we will have good days and bad days. Recovering is not a straight line but more like a roller coaster. Eventually, though, one day's lows will still be higher than a previous day's highs.
I wish you solace in your path.
Stay well.
-Lynn

👋 Wow @Brightpool your post was just what I needed. 💚🤗