Husband dies alone

[JulieT507376]

My husband of 45 years died alone with our border collie Sadie by his side on December 4th.  I was out of town to visit a grandson.  I FaceTime my husband the night before.  He wasn’t feeling good.  I convinced him to go to the doctor the next morning.  When I called the next morning he didn’t answer.  The neighbors went to check on him for me and found him passed.  It was totally unexpected.  Possibly an Aneurysm took him at 65 years old!  185lbs, physically fit and had dreams to many to list.  He had yet to collect his pensions.  

My two adult sons don’t want me home alone.  I’m not sure I believe he’s gone.  I feel guilty I wasn’t with him when he died and feel guilty I’m getting his pensions that he deserved to spend on his dreams.  Then add on the huge void in my life and my aching heart.  What more can I handle.  I’m so numb and sad. 

[Fall2024inVA]

[Thursday 9/5/24] Hi Julie @JulieT507376 , how are you and Sadie dear friend?

THIS IS AN INVITATION to stop by our NEW Grief & Loss Support Group. Link and info below. ***🔽

https://community.aarp.org/t5/Friends-Family/A-Place-To-Be-With-OTHERS-Who-Are-Grieving-WE-support-e...

Sharing thoughts on caring for oneself, making doctor appointments (and the difficulty in doing so), discussing relocating, dealing with finances and life's decisions are all important issues to discuss. These are all a part of being alone and having to make big decisions for ourselves (perhaps for the very first time). Once one "accepts" the reality of being alone, it is difficult to have to make these decisions for ourselves ALONE. Hearing how others do it and have done it has been extremely helpful to me. Accepting the loss is NOT the end of this journey. Listening to tapes and reading books does not always offer the personal touch needed at times. Having someone make us smile and knowing there are people out there that truly do care about you is a gift.

[Fall2024inVA]

Dear Julie @JulieT507376 , I HOPE you and Sadie are well. Mr.  🐈  brings PEACE into my "uncertain" HEALING JOURNEY. I know Sadie  🐕  is doing the same for you my friend. Luv you VERY MUCH, Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

[Fall2024inVA]

"In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all. Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better.

And yet it is a mistake. You are sure to be happy again. To know this, which is certainly true, will make you some less miserable now. I have had experience enough to know what I say, and you need only to believe it to feel better at once.”

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

[Fall2024inVA]

I hope you got some rest last night dear friend  🤗🤗🤗

@JulieT507376 

[Fall2024inVA]

👋  Good Morning my friend!!!

HOPE you were able to sleep LAST NIGHT.

I just fed Mr.  🐈,  my 6am ET wake up call or I would still be in bed and probably stay in it ALL DAY. Knowing he is OUTSIDE my door waiting, makes me get up as soon as my 2 alarms go off.

MONDAYS are my Kroger Day to cash in any WINNING Scratch-Off Lottery tickets. I also REINVEST. I only do the $1 and $2 ones and just for a FUN and a reason to LEAVE my Studio Apt. My buddy David at their Customer Service counter is on vacation . Fellow OLD person.

Any plans for TODAY?  🤔

Luv you my friend,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

@JulieT507376 

[JulieT507376]

Good morning!  I’m with Sadie now!  She cuddled with me all night.  I think we missed each other terribly.  It’s really hot outside so I think we will stay inside and place a Safeway order to pickup curbside.  So happy to be home.  I loved the border collie hugging the shepherd.  Made me smile 😊 ❤️. Thank you for being a good friend!  Have a wonderful Monday!

julie❤️

[Fall2024inVA]

📸  Attachment  📸  A hug for dear Julie @JulieT507376  🤗🤗🤗

[JulieT507376]

Nicole, Thank you for the hug!  I’m on my way home from vacation.  One more stop tomorrow to pick Sadie up at my son’s house.  What a trip.  I’m not sure what I’ve accomplished from this trip.  The lady I traveled with lost her husband 5 years ago to a long term illness and is quite independent and is living her life to the fullest.   How can I tell myself I need to get over it and move on?  I’m so lonely and miss Mark so much.  I want to hold my breath until I meet up with him again.  For now all I want to do is go home and be close to Sadie and Mark. Tomorrow will be better. 

[DianeB887812]

@JulieT507376 @I know you do not know me from Adam, but your posts are so full of regrets and sorrows I just want to reach out to you and comfort you. Maybe hearing about some of my experiences could help. I hope what follows is helpful , but if not, please stop reading. 

I also have suffered regrets. Both of my husbands died in the hospital. I had to make the final decision about whether to continue medical care for both of them. That too is a hard decision to make and still haunts me 20 years later for my first husband. The rational side of me knows I made the right call in both cases. I lean on that thought to help me live on. 

I did have many conversations with my second husband as he was very ill. He even made sure I had his Advanced Directives to lean on. I can still see the smile he gave me when he understood that he was in hospice’s care. He knew I was following his desires.

A couple years ago my mother was in the hospital after a heart attack. I spent a month by her side holding her hand. In the end she passed away when I took a much needed break from my vigil. Her nurse told me that she had seen many people wait for their loved ones to not be present when they finally allow themselves to pass. 

One other thought I allow myself is that it is done now for all my loved ones. I can not do anything now to change any of it.

But I will make sure I have advanced directives for who ever will be speaking for me when I can not speak for myself. And I hope I pass in my sleep peasfully in my own bed. But that is in Gods hands. 

[JulieT507376]

Hi Diane, 

Your words are helpful and makes me think about the pain others endure.  I’m so sorry for your losses.  I had no decisions to make just the loss.  Mark was just taken from me.  I had no sadness before just happiness.  So I’m really blessed and thankful.  I’m sure your decisions were made with great love and compassion. Thank you for reaching out to me.

julie

[Therapist4u]

Hi Diane @DianeB887812

Thanks for your most kind & thoughtful post!

I found it was moving, eloquent, & heartfelt.....as was the very personal message from Julie @JulieT507376!

To me, as we have entered the later years of life, we are blessed to have some precious time to express our thoughts, feelings & deepest emotions....while we still have the opportunities to articulate them. We are also blessed to have the multitude of gifts left behind for us, from those closest to us who are no longer here...physically...but we often feel their presence, in a variety of ways!

One of the sweetest & most endearing....& enduring....memories I have, was being told by my loved one of many years, that when they are gone....that they will always try to spread their “Mantle of Protection” over me...in whatever ways they are able to, & as often as they can!

I hope y’all feel something similar, from your personal experiences!

Please take the very best care of yourselves!

Most sincerely ~Allen

[DianeB887812]

I’m sorry Allen. I have been learning how to navigate and reply in the proper place on this board. 

I also find comfort when I think about how I have been carrying out Stephen’s wishes. Today was a tough one. But I’ll get through it. As I work through everything that needs to be done, life is beginning to look a little more normal. All it takes is more time. 

[Therapist4u]

Hi Nicole @Fall2024inVA

I wonder if Julie @JulieT507376! &/or Diane @DianeB887812 saw my message to them... as there’s no replies... & you’re the only kudo?!

Anyway...it’s the thought that counts,....

amiright.?...LOL!

Take care!

☮️  🌩🌦~Allen 🌈  ⛵  🌞

[Fall2024inVA]

Hi Julie @JulieT507376  , I HOPE you have been able to find some support for YOUR journey. It is SO HARD when we lose folks we CARE about. Luv you my friend, Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

[JulieT507376]

On a vacation with a friend and another couple. First time since Mark has passed away. I can hardly stand to watch the couple with us hold hands and speak loving words to each other. My heart is dead inside. Why did he have to leave me? Watching the people on vacation around me walking hand in hand asking for pictures of them as couples. Where’s my other half. I feel so all alone. So sad!

[DianeB887812]

The tough part of grief is all the unexpected triggers that smack you in the head.  It is so tempting to cocoon in a safe place. But you ventured out! Good for you! I’m trying to get myself to the dog park where my husband and I spent many beautiful hours watching our dogs playing with all the other dogs and chatting with the other owners. I really want to go there. Maybe tomorrow. 

[Fall2024inVA]

Hi Julie @JulieT507376 , how are YOU doing?

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

[JulieT507376]

We had Mark’s celebration of life several days ago.  Lots of people.  He was a quiet man but so many people loved him.  I know how much I loved him!  I didn’t realize how many other lives he touched.  I’m alone in my thoughts now.  Maybe to alone it makes me want to be with him so much.  I know that not possible. 

[Fall2024inVA]

Hi Julie @JulieT507376 SO GOOD to hear from you - thank you SO MUCH!!!  💃💃💃

In my very humble opinion, he will ALWAYS be with you. Yes, you will FEEL his presence and he will use SPECIAL ways to let you know.

Continue to move FORWARD when you can, ENJOY the folks who CARE about you and KNOW soon you will see him again.

Luv you SO MUCH,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

---

[*** JULIE @JulieT507376 wrote:

We had Mark’s celebration of life several days ago.  Lots of people.  He was a quiet man but so many people loved him.  I know how much I loved him!  I didn’t realize how many other lives he touched.  I’m alone in my thoughts now.  Maybe to alone it makes me want to be with him so much.  I know that not possible. ***]

---

[JulieT507376]

I’m wondering how other people felt after their loved one’s funeral, service or celebration of life.  Mark has had two.  A religious service and a celebration. I’m so empty now.  I feel like I’ve completed what I had to do. Nothings left to accomplish.  Does that make sense to anyone?  

[jonibee]

My deepest sympathy goes out to you on the recent passing of your husband..You got to talk to him the night before even though the outcome has left its void with you. Sometmes ones passing comes as a great shock to those who are left behind as it was totally unexpected leaving a void ..I hope with the passing time you can deal with the grief that is deep and remember the time before his passing to sustain you..They say not to make any life changing decisions for atleast a year and acting on impulse can be the wrong decision.. do what is best for you and take it day by day to grieve  accordingly some days will be better than others..Read some of the books that are listed on this site and do what's best for you...Perhaps do something special in his memory...

[Fall2024inVA]

How are YOU doing Julie @JulieT507376  ?

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

[JulieT507376]

Nicole, Thank you for all your kind words and support.  It is always nice to see your messages in my emails.  I’m doing ok.  Finally spending nights in my husband and my home has been very emotional for me.  I feel his presence with me in so many ways.  I’m compiling a slide show for his celebration of life that is in June.  The memories are bringing tears to my eyes and sadness to my heart.  

I’m trying to figure out lawn care, equipment repair, sidewalks that need built and trying to get a grandson and family moved onto the property to help me.  I’m both overwhelmed and wishing I could have just one more day to ask my husband all the questions that I never thought I needed to know the answers to! But I probably wouldn’t let him go because I miss him so much! 

Hope you are having wonderful warm spring days!  Where I live it’s still cool.  But the sun is shining brightly!! 

[Fall2024inVA]

Hi Julie @JulieT507376 , how are YOU doing?

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

[JulieT507376]

Thank you for asking.  I’m going home for the first time this week without him.  My sister will be with so I won’t be alone.  I’m attending several celebrations of life of close friends that has passed over the next month.  It has been hard as I plan Mark’s celebration.  I’m finally getting over the anger and maybe more accepting the loss.  I hope you are doing well and spring has arrived at your house! 

[EricC28201]

My experience is a little different. At the turn of the 21st century 6 people who were a large part of my life since childhood passed on. For the first eight years of the new millenium somebody close to me left on average every 18 months. Many of the things I did to help myself were done out of necessity at the time and I am only understanding their benefits in retrospect. I started journaling out of necessity. My ability to focus and my short term memory were so compromised that I started carrying a pocket sized notebook with me. In it I kept a ToDo list and a record of what I did to address the ToDo items, and when I did it. The other thing I had to do was write things down and rewrite them so I could express myself with accurate, cogent sentences when discussing my situation with a confidant. At the time these things felt like troublesome necessities, but in retrospect they were potent therapy.

The other thing I did was I allowed myself a hobby that was no imposition or hardship to anybody. I would download videos from the internet. I learned enough to use a video editing app to seperate the audio from the video. Then I would import it into Audacity, and change the pitch of the soundtrack. Then I would reattach the audio to the video and render it. Usually what I got was the same video, but the characters sounded like Alvin and The Chipmunks, or Eeyore the donkey from Winnie The Pooh. And it made me laugh. None of those videos have left the device they were rendered to. They've never been posted or shared in any way and I've never tried to make money from them. They were and are strictly for my own entertainment.

I am not suggesting that you run out and start editing videos. Simply that a stress free hobby that comes easily to you yet still gives a sense of accomplishment and entertainment (at nobody else's expense) might be helpful.

[SueS788527]

Hi, Eric, I am always impressed with your level of engagement and ingenuity especially when you are in the aftermath of losing loved ones.  I fully agree that the first period (to be defined by everyone's own circumstances) is tough from a mental capability standpoint and I too have had to set up binders, files and reminders.  So luckily, I am not alone.  I like your idea of finding a hobby that is creative and personal to you.  I am doing the same (not video/audio) but handicrafts.  Cooking has also given me a good outlet.  What matters is that you are mentally active and engaged.  Good for you.  I wish you many more happy days ahead.  Sue

[DeanM807970]

I am so sorry to hear that you lost your husband. I am certain he would not want you to be alone or unhappy. I am not sure how I would deal with the loss of my wife. Our thoughts are with you.

[SueS788527]

Hi, I am sorry for the circumstances of your loss of your loved one.  Condolences to you.  I am glad you reached out to this forum and are sharing your feelings.  That is the first step, and many don't do it and have many years of pain and regrets.  Yes, it is horrible if your loved ones die alone, and I can only imagine how you must feel.  In my case, I finally was able to bring my husband home from rehab and he died 3 days later at home.  While it was comforting to have him with me physically, emotionally there was a void because he could no longer speak.  So, in some ways, I could not verbally hear the good bye from him.  I feel that in spirit he is still with me and wishes me well.  It took me a long time, including serious journaling to get to this point.  Please take your time and reflect on the many happy years you had together.  I wish you all the best and encourage you to continue to share your feelings.  It is healthy and this is a safe environment.  Sue