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Periodic Contributor

Husband dies alone

My husband of 45 years died alone with our border collie Sadie by his side on December 4th.  I was out of town to visit a grandson.  I FaceTime my husband the night before.  He wasn’t feeling good.  I convinced him to go to the doctor the next morning.  When I called the next morning he didn’t answer.  The neighbors went to check on him for me and found him passed.  It was totally unexpected.  Possibly an Aneurysm took him at 65 years old!  185lbs, physically fit and had dreams to many to list.  He had yet to collect his pensions.  

My two adult sons don’t want me home alone.  I’m not sure I believe he’s gone.  I feel guilty I wasn’t with him when he died and feel guilty I’m getting his pensions that he deserved to spend on his dreams.  Then add on the huge void in my life and my aching heart.  What more can I handle.  I’m so numb and sad. 

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😴  Hope you get some sleep TONIGHT dear friend.

 

Lol, I was WIDE AWAKE all day so I know that NODDING off will be here shortly.

 

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

 

@JulieT507376 

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🚘🚗  Dear Julie, I HOPE you and Sadie  🐕  are NOW back home. I know she MISSED you BIG TIME (her mom). I am glad she stayed with your son and not a kennel.

 

Luv you my friend,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

 

@JulieT507376 

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📸  Attachment  📸

 

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@JulieT507376 

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📸  Attachment  📸  A hug for dear Julie @JulieT507376  🤗🤗🤗

 

hugs-and-love.gif

 

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Nicole, Thank you for the hug!  I’m on my way home from vacation.  One more stop tomorrow to pick Sadie up at my son’s house.  What a trip.  I’m not sure what I’ve accomplished from this trip.  The lady I traveled with lost her husband 5 years ago to a long term illness and is quite independent and is living her life to the fullest.   How can I tell myself I need to get over it and move on?  I’m so lonely and miss Mark so much.  I want to hold my breath until I meet up with him again.  For now all I want to do is go home and be close to Sadie and Mark. Tomorrow will be better. 

Periodic Contributor

@JulieT507376 @I know you do not know me from Adam, but your posts are so full of regrets and sorrows I just want to reach out to you and comfort you. Maybe hearing about some of my experiences could help. I hope what follows is helpful , but if not, please stop reading. 

I also have suffered regrets. Both of my husbands died in the hospital. I had to make the final decision about whether to continue medical care for both of them. That too is a hard decision to make and still haunts me 20 years later for my first husband. The rational side of me knows I made the right call in both cases. I lean on that thought to help me live on. 

I did have many conversations with my second husband as he was very ill. He even made sure I had his Advanced Directives to lean on. I can still see the smile he gave me when he understood that he was in hospice’s care. He knew I was following his desires.

 

A couple years ago my mother was in the hospital after a heart attack. I spent a month by her side holding her hand. In the end she passed away when I took a much needed break from my vigil. Her nurse told me that she had seen many people wait for their loved ones to not be present when they finally allow themselves to pass. 

One other thought I allow myself is that it is done now for all my loved ones. I can not do anything now to change any of it.

 

But I will make sure I have advanced directives for who ever will be speaking for me when I can not speak for myself. And I hope I pass in my sleep peasfully in my own bed. But that is in Gods hands. 

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👋  Good Morning. You are WELCOME!!!

 

Remember, EVERYONE has to travel on THEIR HEALING JOURNEY THEIR WAY.

 

I would suggest NOT being SO HARD on yourself.

 

Gosh, you buried the LUV OF YOUR LIFE and then shortly AFTER his mom.  😭😭😭

 

I could NOT have done what YOU DID and they BOTH luv you dearly ALWAYS.

 

NO RUSH ON THIS, but I know for myself I had way TOO MANY regrets of NOT spending TIME with people I CARED about when they were ALIVE. Maybe create some SPECIAL TIMES with YOUR SONS when you guys feel up to it. This way you ALL have memories that are dear to you and NOT regrets.

 

Please say hello to Sadie.  🐕

 

Luv you my friend,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

 

@JulieT507376 

 


[*** JULIE wrote: Nicole, Thank you for the hug!  I’m on my way home from vacation.  One more stop tomorrow to pick Sadie up at my son’s house.  What a trip.  I’m not sure what I’ve accomplished from this trip.  The lady I traveled with lost her husband 5 years ago to a long term illness and is quite independent and is living her life to the fullest.   How can I tell myself I need to get over it and move on?  I’m so lonely and miss Mark so much.  I want to hold my breath until I meet up with him again.  For now all I want to do is go home and be close to Sadie and Mark. Tomorrow will be better.  ***]
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👋  Good Morning dear Julie @JulieT507376 , hope you and Sadie are well.

 

I am here IF you need me dear friend.

 

Luv you,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

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📸  A .gif for Julie @JulieT507376  🤗🤗🤗

 

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3 comments [JULY 2024]

 

Hi Julie @JulieT507376  , I HOPE you have been able to find some support for YOUR journey. It is SO HARD when we lose folks we CARE about. Luv you my friend, Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

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On a vacation with a friend and another couple. First time since Mark has passed away. I can hardly stand to watch the couple with us hold hands and speak loving words to each other. My heart is dead inside. Why did he have to leave me? Watching the people on vacation around me walking hand in hand asking for pictures of them as couples. Where’s my other half. I feel so all alone. So sad!

Periodic Contributor

The tough part of grief is all the unexpected triggers that smack you in the head.  It is so tempting to cocoon in a safe place. But you ventured out! Good for you! I’m trying to get myself to the dog park where my husband and I spent many beautiful hours watching our dogs playing with all the other dogs and chatting with the other owners. I really want to go there. Maybe tomorrow. 

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Dear Julie  , what a WONDERFUL SURPRISE and glad I checked this site as NO AARP email to let me know you had posted dear friend. So apologies for my late response.

 

SO PROUD of you for taking a vacation and YES, I too donot do well around couples.

 

Did you get everything set up for his mom's farewell? They were BOTH lucky to have YOU in their lives.

 

How are YOUR sons doing?

 

As a parent we TRY to be strong for them.

 

I bet Sadie  🐕  is keeping you busy and luving on you while you BOTH miss him.

 

Luv you my friend,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

 

@JulieT507376  

 


[*** JULIE wrote: On a vacation with a friend and another couple. First time since Mark has passed away. I can hardly stand to watch the couple with us hold hands and speak loving words to each other. My heart is dead inside. Why did he have to leave me? Watching the people on vacation around me walking hand in hand asking for pictures of them as couples. Where’s my other half. I feel so all alone. So sad! ***]
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📸  A .gif for Julie @JulieT507376  🤗🤗🤗

 

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[Saturday 6/29/24 9:24pm ET]

 

😴  Try to get some sleep dear Julie @JulieT507376 and again, I AM SO SORRY for your 2nd loss dear friend!!!  😭😭😭

 

Luv you VERY MUCH,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

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4 comments [JUNE 2024]

 

Hi Julie @JulieT507376 , how are YOU doing?

 

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

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We had Mark’s celebration of life several days ago.  Lots of people.  He was a quiet man but so many people loved him.  I know how much I loved him!  I didn’t realize how many other lives he touched.  I’m alone in my thoughts now.  Maybe to alone it makes me want to be with him so much.  I know that not possible. 

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(2 comments) Hi Julie @JulieT507376 SO GOOD to hear from you - thank you SO MUCH!!!  💃💃💃

 

In my very humble opinion, he will ALWAYS be with you. Yes, you will FEEL his presence and he will use SPECIAL ways to let you know.

 

Continue to move FORWARD when you can, ENJOY the folks who CARE about you and KNOW soon you will see him again.

 

Luv you SO MUCH,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

 


[*** JULIE @JulieT507376 wrote:

We had Mark’s celebration of life several days ago.  Lots of people.  He was a quiet man but so many people loved him.  I know how much I loved him!  I didn’t realize how many other lives he touched.  I’m alone in my thoughts now.  Maybe to alone it makes me want to be with him so much.  I know that not possible. ***]


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I’m wondering how other people felt after their loved one’s funeral, service or celebration of life.  Mark has had two.  A religious service and a celebration. I’m so empty now.  I feel like I’ve completed what I had to do. Nothings left to accomplish.  Does that make sense to anyone?  

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Yes Julie, EVERY DAY but my daughter needs her ONE PARENT and so does your sons.

 

Luv you SO MUCH,

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

 


[*** JULIE wrote: I’m wondering how other people felt after their loved one’s funeral, service or celebration of life.  Mark has had two.  A religious service and a celebration. I’m so empty now.  I feel like I’ve completed what I had to do. Nothings left to accomplish.  Does that make sense to anyone?  ***]
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My deepest sympathy goes out to you on the recent passing of your husband..You got to talk to him the night before even though the outcome has left its void with you. Sometmes ones passing comes as a great shock to those who are left behind as it was totally unexpected leaving a void ..I hope with the passing time you can deal with the grief that is deep and remember the time before his passing to sustain you..They say not to make any life changing decisions for atleast a year and acting on impulse can be the wrong decision.. do what is best for you and take it day by day to grieve  accordingly some days will be better than others..Read some of the books that are listed on this site and do what's best for you...Perhaps do something special in his memory...

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1 comment [APRIL 2024]

 

How are YOU doing Julie @JulieT507376  ?

 

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

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Nicole, Thank you for all your kind words and support.  It is always nice to see your messages in my emails.  I’m doing ok.  Finally spending nights in my husband and my home has been very emotional for me.  I feel his presence with me in so many ways.  I’m compiling a slide show for his celebration of life that is in June.  The memories are bringing tears to my eyes and sadness to my heart.  

I’m trying to figure out lawn care, equipment repair, sidewalks that need built and trying to get a grandson and family moved onto the property to help me.  I’m both overwhelmed and wishing I could have just one more day to ask my husband all the questions that I never thought I needed to know the answers to! But I probably wouldn’t let him go because I miss him so much! 

 

Hope you are having wonderful warm spring days!  Where I live it’s still cool.  But the sun is shining brightly!! 

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1 comment [APRIL 2024]

 

Hi Julie @JulieT507376 , how are YOU doing?

 

Nicole  🤗🤗🤗

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Thank you for asking.  I’m going home for the first time this week without him.  My sister will be with so I won’t be alone.  I’m attending several celebrations of life of close friends that has passed over the next month.  It has been hard as I plan Mark’s celebration.  I’m finally getting over the anger and maybe more accepting the loss.  I hope you are doing well and spring has arrived at your house! 

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My experience is a little different. At the turn of the 21st century 6 people who were a large part of my life since childhood passed on. For the first eight years of the new millenium somebody close to me left on average every 18 months. Many of the things I did to help myself were done out of necessity at the time and I am only understanding their benefits in retrospect. I started journaling out of necessity. My ability to focus and my short term memory were so compromised that I started carrying a pocket sized notebook with me. In it I kept a ToDo list and a record of what I did to address the ToDo items, and when I did it. The other thing I had to do was write things down and rewrite them so I could express myself with accurate, cogent sentences when discussing my situation with a confidant. At the time these things felt like troublesome necessities, but in retrospect they were potent therapy.

The other thing I did was I allowed myself a hobby that was no imposition or hardship to anybody. I would download videos from the internet. I learned enough to use a video editing app to seperate the audio from the video. Then I would import it into Audacity, and change the pitch of the soundtrack. Then I would reattach the audio to the video and render it. Usually what I got was the same video, but the characters sounded like Alvin and The Chipmunks, or Eeyore the donkey from Winnie The Pooh. And it made me laugh. None of those videos have left the device they were rendered to. They've never been posted or shared in any way and I've never tried to make money from them. They were and are strictly for my own entertainment.

I am not suggesting that you run out and start editing videos. Simply that a stress free hobby that comes easily to you yet still gives a sense of accomplishment and entertainment (at nobody else's expense) might be helpful.

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Hi, Eric, I am always impressed with your level of engagement and ingenuity especially when you are in the aftermath of losing loved ones.  I fully agree that the first period (to be defined by everyone's own circumstances) is tough from a mental capability standpoint and I too have had to set up binders, files and reminders.  So luckily, I am not alone.  I like your idea of finding a hobby that is creative and personal to you.  I am doing the same (not video/audio) but handicrafts.  Cooking has also given me a good outlet.  What matters is that you are mentally active and engaged.  Good for you.  I wish you many more happy days ahead.  Sue

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I am so sorry to hear that you lost your husband. I am certain he would not want you to be alone or unhappy. I am not sure how I would deal with the loss of my wife. Our thoughts are with you.

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Hi, I am sorry for the circumstances of your loss of your loved one.  Condolences to you.  I am glad you reached out to this forum and are sharing your feelings.  That is the first step, and many don't do it and have many years of pain and regrets.  Yes, it is horrible if your loved ones die alone, and I can only imagine how you must feel.  In my case, I finally was able to bring my husband home from rehab and he died 3 days later at home.  While it was comforting to have him with me physically, emotionally there was a void because he could no longer speak.  So, in some ways, I could not verbally hear the good bye from him.  I feel that in spirit he is still with me and wishes me well.  It took me a long time, including serious journaling to get to this point.  Please take your time and reflect on the many happy years you had together.  I wish you all the best and encourage you to continue to share your feelings.  It is healthy and this is a safe environment.  Sue

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