AARP Members Enjoy Exclusive Discounts on Travel, Dining and More. Join Today

Reply
Info Seeker

Re: Grief means love

542 Views
Message 1 of 5
What a compassionate posting, Jane!

The pain does lesson some with time, and it is very important for all who are grieving to know that it is ok for them to take time for themselves. They may not want to be with others, but it is good to at least be 1:1 with others that know and love them, or the griever may become isolated. This community is very helpful, as is the AARP community specifically for grief and loss.
Report Inappropriate Content
Frequent Social Butterfly

Re: Grief means love

709 Views
Message 2 of 5

bp1993378 wrote:

I JUST LOSS MY WIFE IN AUGUST 11 2017 OF 21 YEARS TO BRAIN CANCER.IT HAS BEEN SO HARD I CRY ALL THE TIME AND I HAVE NO DESIRE TO DO ANYTHING ANY MORE. FRIENDS AND FAMILY HAVE MOVE ON AND THEY EVEN THINK I SHOULD GET OUT AND START DOING THINGS BUT I FELT LIKE I DIED WHEN SHE DIED. I AM TRYING TO FIND WAYS TO LIVE WITHOUT HER BUT RIGHT NOW EVERYTHING I DO REMINDS ME OF HER. SHE WAS ONLY 53 AND IM 51 I FELT LIKE WE HAD ALOT MORE YEARS TOGETHER SHE WAS ONLY SICK FOR 2 MONTHS THAT HOW FAST CANCER TOOK HER AND BEFORE THAT SHE SEEM HEALTHY.THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO SAY TO HER BUT I CANT. I WAS NEVER THE PERFECT HUSBAND WISH I WAS BETTER I NEVER KNEW HOW MUCH I LOVE HER AND HOW MUCH I NEEDED HER UNTILL SHE GOT SICK. I JUST REALLY HOPE SHE KNOWS HOW MUCH I DO LOVE HER AND IM VERY SORRY FOR THE THINGS I DONE I TOOK CARE HER AND REALLY THOUGHT GOD WOULD NEVER LET SUCH A WONDRFUL PERSON LIKE HER DIE I MISS HER SO BAD MY LIFE JUST SEEMS SO EMPTY WITHOUT HER SHE WAS THE GREATEST PERSON I EVER KNOWN OR EVER WILL KNOW


Hello there. It's only been 2 months. Of course you are hurting powerfully, and you will. And i'm so sorry. She was so young, and you are still. She is the greatest person you have ever known. And you don't know about the future. Maybe you'll know someone even greater, although it's not a competition. I hope you know it's okay for you to be in your grief. It's too soon for you to 'get out there' if YOU think it's too soon. Okay? I just want to affirm that. You are the decider here.

 

You feel hollowed out, tearful. How can the world go on so nonchalantly when it is missing this very special person. It's one of those mysteries. I think that the following poem sums it up nicely:

 

W. H. Auden


Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. 

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. 

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good. 

 

What i hope for you is that you can forgive yourself somehow for being imperfect. No one is perfect. Truly, she knew (and perhaps still 'knows') that you love her. Forgive yourself.

Maybe write her a letter?  It might really help. Writing is a very healing thing. Years from now you can re-read what you wrote. Put it in words.  (I'm feeling very literary here...)  Another quote from a better writer than I: 

 

 'Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.'

 

That would be Shakespeare.

 

Your friends and family may become impatient with you, but don't let their impatience cut you off. You have a right to your feelings. If not one of them has been lucky enough to avoid the grief you are experiencing, think about contacting the bereavement counselor for a local hospice; those counselors can talk to you even if your wife didn't have hospice care. There might be a group, or one to one counseling might be possible. Just a thought.

 

Losing a spouse is one of the hardest things a human can experience. Losing a kid is horrible, too. I wish you for you healing. You will survive this. Write more about her to us? Or start a journal of good memories while they're still fresh?  Or just sit and cry; that's okay too.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. All the best and a big virtual hug,

Jane

 

 

 

Report Inappropriate Content
Highlighted
Info Seeker

Re: Grief means love

723 Views
Message 3 of 5

I JUST LOSS MY WIFE IN AUGUST 11 2017 OF 21 YEARS TO BRAIN CANCER.IT HAS BEEN SO HARD I CRY ALL THE TIME AND I HAVE NO DESIRE TO DO ANYTHING ANY MORE. FRIENDS AND FAMILY HAVE MOVE ON AND THEY EVEN THINK I SHOULD GET OUT AND START DOING THINGS BUT I FELT LIKE I DIED WHEN SHE DIED. I AM TRYING TO FIND WAYS TO LIVE WITHOUT HER BUT RIGHT NOW EVERYTHING I DO REMINDS ME OF HER. SHE WAS ONLY 53 AND IM 51 I FELT LIKE WE HAD ALOT MORE YEARS TOGETHER SHE WAS ONLY SICK FOR 2 MONTHS THAT HOW FAST CANCER TOOK HER AND BEFORE THAT SHE SEEM HEALTHY.THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO SAY TO HER BUT I CANT. I WAS NEVER THE PERFECT HUSBAND WISH I WAS BETTER I NEVER KNEW HOW MUCH I LOVE HER AND HOW MUCH I NEEDED HER UNTILL SHE GOT SICK. I JUST REALLY HOPE SHE KNOWS HOW MUCH I DO LOVE HER AND IM VERY SORRY FOR THE THINGS I DONE I TOOK CARE HER AND REALLY THOUGHT GOD WOULD NEVER LET SUCH A WONDRFUL PERSON LIKE HER DIE I MISS HER SO BAD MY LIFE JUST SEEMS SO EMPTY WITHOUT HER SHE WAS THE GREATEST PERSON I EVER KNOWN OR EVER WILL KNOW

Report Inappropriate Content
Frequent Social Butterfly

Re: Grief means love

1,243 Views
Message 4 of 5

ae9301 wrote:

Hello Group,

 

I lost my husband May 30th. It's been just past 60 days, I was a newlywed of only six months. I asked myself when would I overcome this pain, and hurt. I have cried every day for the last 60 days, my poor eyes became infected, and I had to go to the ER for treatment. When the nurse asked me why had I cried so much every day, I told her about my husband died suddenly. The nurse said to me, "I know you loved your husband dearly, and you will grieve more, grieving means love, because had you not loved your husband, you would not grieve."  I knew in my heart, I had never loved anyone the way I loved my husband.My late husband used to tell me,  that I loved hard straight from my soul. I came home from the ER and sit down, and realized all the pain I feel is because of my love for him.

 

Imagine the emotional and physical pain Jesus felt when he sacrificed his life for us.   

 

Blessings!

 

 

 

 


Oh dear one,

 

I am so sorry. Your love for your husband has carved a huge hole in your heart where he used to reside, and now you ache. The nurse who treated you in the ER was so kind and so very right. What a great love you had with him. "Died suddenly" is such a horror!  So abrupt, so terrifying.

         Have you read the book "The Year of Magical Thinking" by the amazing writer Joan Didion? She really nails the feeling of grief that is palpable, like wearing a heavy itchy wool cloak all the time regardless of weather. I don't know if you want to read something about grief while you are grieving, but i can imagine that one effect is that you feel just a wee bit less alone.

         I do hope that you have loving people around you, in family or friends or in  a faith community or all of the above. You may not feel like you are any 'fun' but for people who love you, just being with you is a treat for them, and you can just sit and be present. I hope that is true for you.

         What did you and your husband love to do together?  Would you like to write about the day he died?  Sometimes getting the story of the death 'on paper' is catharctic, and it saves the event as one of your stories, like a journal. Write it, post it, then print it out. Someone else may find it one day.

         Thank you for writing. I am so sorry. I am here as are others and we may not post everyday but your posts get read and we do reply.

         With respect and kindness,

                  Jane

Report Inappropriate Content
Info Seeker

Grief means love

1,270 Views
Message 5 of 5

Hello Group,

 

I lost my husband May 30th. It's been just past 60 days, I was a newlywed of only six months. I asked myself when would I overcome this pain, and hurt. I have cried every day for the last 60 days, my poor eyes became infected, and I had to go to the ER for treatment. When the nurse asked me why had I cried so much every day, I told her about my husband died suddenly. The nurse said to me, "I know you loved your husband dearly, and you will grieve more, grieving means love, because had you not loved your husband, you would not grieve."  I knew in my heart, I had never loved anyone the way I loved my husband.My late husband used to tell me,  that I loved hard straight from my soul. I came home from the ER and sit down, and realized all the pain I feel is because of my love for him.

 

Imagine the emotional and physical pain Jesus felt when he sacrificed his life for us.   

 

Blessings!

 

 

 

 

Report Inappropriate Content