AARP’s "Prepare to Care: A Resource Guide for Families" can help make the job more manageable. Here’s how to receive a free copy.

Reply
Conversationalist
1
Kudos
3415
Views

Re: Grief Never Departs

3,415 Views
Message 1 of 9

"Cry not because it is over, smile because it happened"

Report Inappropriate Content
1
Kudos
3415
Views
Conversationalist
1
Kudos
3417
Views

Re: Grief Never Departs

3,417 Views
Message 2 of 9

"Cry bot because it is over, smile because it happened"

Report Inappropriate Content
1
Kudos
3417
Views
Regular Social Butterfly
0
Kudos
3610
Views

Re: Grief Never Departs

3,610 Views
Message 3 of 9

@wc44958802 wrote:

In 2007 I lost my beloved son, a police officer died in the line of duty by saving a young girl threatening to jump from a roof. He was 37 and was doing the thing he loved most, serving others. At the funeral which was unbelievable with Police and Marine honor guards, I was in a "coma" not knowing what was really going on, just following my five daughters...I did not weep, moan or express any emotion but I had a pain in my throat which threatened to stop my breath. In 2012, in the middle of the night, I awoke crying! Not just weeping but a bellowing, tragic gush of tears and sound which I had never heard nor could I control. It was as though another force had taken over my emotions. I have never been one to cry(Big Boys Don't Cry).


Thank you for sharing this heart wrenching experience you had. Your loss that is more than a 'loss'-- a tearing out of your heart. You write beautifully. Five years after his death, a gush of grief. It needed to come out. I hope you felt some healing. Although you are absolutely right. It never departs. It only becomes a tiny bit easier to bear.

 

What a giving young man your son was. You raised him to be that. Thank you for the gift of your son to the world. I know he would have given so much more had he had the chance.

 

Jane

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
3610
Views
AARP Expert
2
Kudos
3776
Views

Re: Grief Never Departs

3,776 Views
Message 4 of 9

Yes, thank you for sharing your story so that others may benefit from it. I'm Barry Jacobs, a psychologist on the AARP Caregiving Advisory Panel. In my career, I've treated many individuals who's lost children, as well as those who have lost spouses, parents and best friends. I agree with you that the sadness never goes away completely but, with time (1-2 years, generally), it stops dominating our lives and becomes more a part of the backdrop to our days. We don't forget our loved ones and we never stop loving them. But their deaths no longer take all enjoyment of living away. At least that's my hope for you and others.

Report Inappropriate Content
2
Kudos
3776
Views
AARP Expert
0
Kudos
3917
Views

Re: Grief Never Departs

3,917 Views
Message 5 of 9

@ct7021 wrote:

I lost my son too though no trady just a natureal Death I no i will never be whole because i fine water coming from my face at any given , Youe son was a good soul , and my son was a good soul , this is the frist time i really talk about his death becuae it was to painful and i would start to cry all the time i do bleave it can get better and it could get worst 5n10n15,20 there will always be a never ending m never better thing happing to me i just want to smile without feeling i not faitful to him, am i allowed to cry and smile and be happy in the long run this happen to me most recent a year god nows its painful thanks so much for given me an out let as well , i did have 11 and now i have 9, missing the most inportant part of me.


Hi ct,

 

I think it's fine to 'smile without feeling i am not faithful to him'. Of course, you are allowed to 'cry and smile and be happy in the long run.'  I would think that your son would deeply, completely want you to smile and be happy. And you know (as well as he MIGHT know) that you will never forget him.  

 

It IS strange that we feel this betrayal feeling. Even when we loved so deeply.

 

Jane

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
3917
Views
AARP Expert
0
Kudos
3923
Views

Re: Grief Never Departs

3,923 Views
Message 6 of 9

@wc44958802 wrote:

In 2007 I lost my beloved son, a police officer died in the line of duty by saving a young girl threatening to jump from a roof. He was 37 and was doing the thing he loved most, serving others. At the funeral which was unbelievable with Police and Marine honor guards, I was in a "coma" not knowing what was really going on, just following my five daughters...I did not weep, moan or express any emotion but I had a pain in my throat which threatened to stop my breath. In 2012, in the middle of the night, I awoke crying! Not just weeping but a bellowing, tragic gush of tears and sound which I had never heard nor could I control. It was as though another force had taken over my emotions. I have never been one to cry(Big Boys Don't Cry).


Hey, wc, 

thank you for sharing your experience of loss, and the cathartic release of grief in tears. I like what gazellen said in response: " Personally, I think the biggest boys are the men who do express their emotions. It is healthy to do so.  Although grief never departs, the quality and intensity of that grief is possible to change through time..."

 

Given that it's been a few years, i'm wondering how you've helped the people around you carry the loss of your son. Your wife? Did your son have brothers and/or sisters?

 

My sister lost her first born son, and every year she and i (and his father), remember his birthday, and then 3 months later, we remember the day he died. And it's been 23 years. We still remember. And the fact that i remember, too, helps her, some.

 

Thank you for your thoughts.

 

Jane

 

 

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
3923
Views
Info Seeker
0
Kudos
4333
Views

Re: Grief Never Departs

4,333 Views
Message 7 of 9

I lost my son too though no trady just a natureal Death I no i will never be whole because i fine water coming from my face at any given , Youe son was a good soul , and my son was a good soul , this is the frist time i really talk about his death becuae it was to painful and i would start to cry all the time i do bleave it can get better and it could get worst 5n10n15,20 there will always be a never ending m never better thing happing to me i just want to smile without feeling i not faitful to him, am i allowed to cry and smile and be happy in the long run this happen to me most recent a year god nows its painful thanks so much for given me an out let as well , i did have 11 and now i have 9, missing the most inportant part of me.

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
4333
Views
Info Seeker +
1
Kudos
4420
Views

Re: Grief Never Departs

4,420 Views
Message 8 of 9

Thank you so much for sharing your story.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and through your story, you demonstrate that grief can stay latent, and then arise after 5 years. One thing is clear, you raised an amazing son who gave of himself to the world - you must have instilled such strong values in him.

 I"m wondering if others in this community have had similar experiences? For me, when I smell certain foods that my grandmother used to bake especially for me at certain holidays, I choke up and revisit her memory. Our loved ones stay alive through the stories we tell of them. Personally, I think the biggest boys are the men who do express their emotions. It is healthy to do so.  Although grief never departs, the quality and intensity of that grief is possible to change through time.. Can you share another story of your beloved son? 

Report Inappropriate Content
1
Kudos
4420
Views
Bronze Conversationalist
5
Kudos
4443
Views
8
Replies

Grief Never Departs

4,443 Views
Message 9 of 9

In 2007 I lost my beloved son, a police officer died in the line of duty by saving a young girl threatening to jump from a roof. He was 37 and was doing the thing he loved most, serving others. At the funeral which was unbelievable with Police and Marine honor guards, I was in a "coma" not knowing what was really going on, just following my five daughters...I did not weep, moan or express any emotion but I had a pain in my throat which threatened to stop my breath. In 2012, in the middle of the night, I awoke crying! Not just weeping but a bellowing, tragic gush of tears and sound which I had never heard nor could I control. It was as though another force had taken over my emotions. I have never been one to cry(Big Boys Don't Cry).

Report Inappropriate Content
5
Kudos
4443
Views
8
Replies