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Regular Social Butterfly

Re: Faking it but not making it

Message 1 of 3

Oh Tammy. I am so glad you wrote. Also so very sorry that you are so sad. It makes sense that you are sad, missing your Davy, and feeling like you don't know where your place is in the world, in the universe of people. Very glad you have your dog. Nothing, NOTHING, like a pet to bring one out of oneself if only to keep them going, so they can keep you going.


What i'm thinking of as i ponder your post is that you are looking for a sense of PURPOSE. You've been blessed to have had two loves in your life, two marriages. You have a caring mother, and a daughter. You knew a life of physical independence before this new life came along, which you would not have chosen. And here you are, with your wits about you, but perhaps you are missing a sense of what you can contribute now, what you, uniquely, offer.


Astraea has a great point: volunteering can really help draw one out of oneself. But it is hard to figure out how to offer your services, skills, etc. Especially when you find it hard to get out of bed in the morning, emotionally. 


Have you heard of the Blue Zones Project? I just learned about it. These researchers figured out the characteristics of people who live unusually long and happy lives. One of the qualities that sets them apart is PURPOSE.   That's a page about the project. I am intrigued by this. I live in a county to the east of one of the sites for the project and i went to one of the workshops, in Klamath County Oregon. So i share the link with you. 


I'm also reminded of a book i found very helpful during a period in my life when i was very lost. It's called the Artists Way by Judy Cameron. The thing i did that really helped was called Morning Pages, in which one gets up and the first thing one does (actually the third for me, after peeing and getting coffee!) was to write whatever was on my heart without judgment or editing, for 20 minutes. Interesting stuff came to light. It was a rich and fruitful experience.


It's Thanksgiving morning and i will be checking back later today, because i have a special place in my heart for people who grieve or ache during holidays, and if you write some more, i'll read it and respond. I want you to know that even during busy times of year like holidays, there are many people in this community that read, and pray, and reach out. Our riches are each other. Even when we feel poor in spirit.


Your grief is present and first and foremost, and i also know, from your writing, that you have many gifts and talents, a smart head on your shoulders, and wisdom.  So do write some more, okay? Are you a person of faith? Do you have a craft or hobby that you enjoy? Do you love to read novels, or watch movies? Do you have a rare and wonderful talent, like singing in Russian? Tell us more. And know that the many people in your life give thanks for YOU on this day of Thanksgiving. Including your doggie.



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Treasured Social Butterfly

Re: Faking it but not making it

Message 2 of 3

I'm so sorry for your situation; a young cousin of mine just lost her husband about a month ago .. it was totally unexpected.


Have you checked out any grief or window & widower support groups near you, that you could attend regularly?


It may seem strange, but just as your little dog motivates you, maybe you could think about getting involved in organizations that help others, and you'll be around supportive like-minded people a few more hours each week.

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Info Seeker

Faking it but not making it

Message 3 of 3

Hello, my name is Tammy.   My husband died a year ago September 3rd.   We had been together for 16 years.  He was my best friend, lover, caretaker, my everything.   Six years ago I got hurt and ended up permanently disabled and in a wheelchair.  Everyone thought he was a saint by sticking with me.  He was.  He did everything from laundry, to shopping and cooking.  When he died everything happened so quickly.  My Mother took charge and made things so that I could stay in my home.  I can travel through the regional transport handicapped bus - they pick me up at my home.   I have cleaning people, a groomer who comes to my home for my dog.  Groceries are delivered and I now have an electric wheelchair.  From the outside it appears as if I am moving forward and dealing with the loss.  The old saying fake it until you make it.   The problem is that I know I'm really not making it. My Mom, who will turn 80 next year, calls me every morning and evening.  Sometimes she can tell I'm having a bad day but she sort of brushes it off.  Almost every night I cry.  I don't sleep a lot or all I do us sleep.  Things are complicated by my chronic pain and all the medication I take.  My daughter has her own life.  If I were to be asked what I want from them I don't have an answer.   All I know is I feel like there is no place for me, and no reason for me to be here.   I miss my Davy so much.  I adopted a little dog five months after Davy died.  If not for having to get up to feed her I probably wouldn't get out of bed.  I know I'm depressed.  I'm almost afraid to voice how I really feel because it's seems so hopeless and if I stop faking it things will fall completely apart.   This is the second time I've been widowed.  I was 31 the first time and I know how lucky I was to find another love of my life.  I'm not looking for that.  I know there's no time table for grieving.  I feel like I'm on a tightrope and any little thing could unbalance me.  I can't see the bottom and my biggest concern is that the person who is keeping me balanced is my mom.   I live in fear of something happening to her.  What I'm doing would not be defined as living.   I'm barely just surviving, but no one knows any of this but me, and now any of you who are reading this.

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