AARP Online Community and Discussion Forums - Beloved Mom Passing

CaligirlOler84 · ‎11-12-2017

This is my first time posting and I am totally off balance because my earthly rock is gone from my site. My mom was 91 years old and had been diagnosed with Alzheimers and Vascular Dementia in 2016 but she was doing well and in the 1st stage at the time of her passing. She had a massive head bleed on the 29th of October and never woke up from her coma. We brought her home in hospice and she passed on October 5th. My siblings and I took turns being with her because she had to have somone with her 24/7. When I wasn't at work or shopping for groceries I was the one who was with her. My mom had 7 children and 3 passed before she did. She was divorced and raised 6 children by herself and only had a 8th grade education. My mom was truly a remarkable woman, she had nothing but love, kindness, and pure heart toward her fellow human beings. She was a woman of deep faith!!! I am grappling with anger because she was taking medication to control her high blood pressure so I don't know why nor do the doctor's know why she had a bleeding in her brain. Regret and feelings of guilt because the night before everything happened I didn't say good night because my sister who was coming from out of town to watch mom for a couple of weeks was there and by the time I came downstairs both of them had gone to bed. Also, guilt because sometimes I would get frustrated with some of the things should would say. There is such emptiness inside me without her and I feel so lost. My siblings & I loved and adored her that words could not adequately describe what she means to us!!!!!! She had the kindest heart of any person I have ever known!!!!

KathleenW79511 · ‎01-26-2018

My heart breaks for you, I understand your pain. I have lost both my 19 year old son and my Mom. The pain and grief is unbearable. That old saying that time heals all wounds is not true. As time goes by you will learn how to accept your sorrow and live with it. My husband, who has lost both parents and of course as I said, our son, together we try to remember the good times and we talk about our son and our parents a lot. We believe it's a good thing. Of course, sometimes I cry, a lot, still. You will too, go with it you have the right to hurt. Birthdays and anniversaries of deaths are never forgotten at our house. We always talk to our daughter on the phone too. You will find your own way to cope. Whatever way works for you will be the right way. May God be with you is my prayer.

CaligirlOler84 · ‎01-27-2018

I am so sorry for the loss of your son and mother. You are so right in saying that time does not heal all wounds! My mom's birthday is next month and I am going to take that day off work to honor & celebrate her life and what an extradordinary mother/person she was/is (I say is because her beautiful spirit is still with me). My heart is so sad and God gives me Mercy & Grace each day.

Thank you so much for taking the time to give me words of healing.

agoyer · ‎11-17-2017

@CaligirlOler84 I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss! SO so so hard to lose your mom. I lost my Mom 4 yrs ago and I still ache for and miss her so. Your love for her is so apparent. Sending you a big warm hug and comfort for your aching heart. I know how that grief and aching can feel physically. Our hearts literally ache...

Please know that the questioning, guilt, "what ifs" and everything you are feeling do happen to so many. These are "normal" reactions (I know nothing feels normal right now). It's all part of the grieving process - and grieving isn't a straight line process, it's cyclical and curvy and sometimes it will be all over the place. You'll think you're past a certain stage or feeling and then something will kick it in. There is no one right way to grief or deal with loss - it is a very personal and individual process so there is no need to put pressure on yourself for how it all feels. Unfortunately we can't really skip it or go around it (it eventually comes up and taps us on the shoulder) but to go through it I find to be most helpful. Just allow it.

I regret that on my Mom's last night at home I said good night to her in the bathroom instead of waiting until she was in bed and tucking her in and kissing her as I usually did. I was so tired. I get it. But over time that feeling has faded and what I remember more are all the tons of times I tucked her in, told her I loved her, sacrificed doing other things to be with her, made sure she was comfortable etc. Over time I hope you'll be able to focus more on all the good things you did for her as her daughter and all the love she received from you - which in the end is really what matters. She knew you loved her.

When you are ready, you might do some things to memorialize her - channel your energies that way. Do things in memory of her. Support a cause she loved. And talk to her - if you feel ok doing that. I feel my Mom with me all the time and that comforts me.

We also lost my sister just after Thanksgiving, and my niece a few days after New Year's. Mom died in October. The fall holidays are hard for us. But I am trying to honor them by doing the holiday things they also loved...

Here is are some articles I wrote for AARP about grieving - especially grieving through the holidays - that might help you I hope - it's a tough time of year to be going through this...

I hope this offers you a bit of comfort. My heart goes out to you! Big warm hug going your way. Let me know if I can be of further help!

Take care,

Amy Goyer

AARP Family & Caregiving Expert

CaligirlOler84 · ‎12-05-2017

Thank you! I am going to print this out to read often and I will visit the links you shared. I am so very sorry to hear of your many losses. You are so kind to take the time.

With Gratitude,

Wilma

SIMPLEGAL · ‎12-27-2017

Wilma aka CaligirlOler84,
May you find peace and comfort.

nyadrn · ‎11-13-2017

@CaligirlOler84 wrote:
This is my first time posting and I am totally off balance because my earthly rock is gone. There is such emptiness inside me without her and I feel so lost. My siblings & I loved and adored her that words could not adequately describe what she means to us!!!!!! She had the kindest heart of any person I have ever known!!!!

@CaligirlOler84

I inderstand your feelings. Not a day goes by that myself and my siblings do not miss my parents.

They know us well and certainly knew how much they meant to us just as your dear mother does. Remember the good times and keep her in your heart ❤️

Life's a Journey, not a Destination" Aerosmith

CaligirlOler84 · ‎11-13-2017

Thank you. I will remind myself of the good times and will treasure the memory of her in my heart.

candyvil · ‎11-12-2017

Caligrl, my heart goes out to you. My mother passed along 10 years ago, and I thought I'd never get over it. You.will always miss her, but the pain will lessen as time passes....and slowly, you'll begin to remember her as she was, with love and gratitude for the time you had together....you'll notice with surprise that when you and your family are together, and someone says "remember when Mom did.....,or said.....-and you'll share loving laughter instead of tears. You'll never forget her...she's still an important part of your life! Just know that the pain you're feeling now will fade and be replaced with wonderful memories of times you shared together.