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Re: Grown child living at home - need help!

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Message 21 of 35

With prices the way they are it’s tough for some kids to make ends meet. I have one myself who has bounced back home a few times. I found that charging rent was a good incentive to start looking at places. As prices go up, so does the rent. You could also put some of the rent money aside to be given back and used as their first month’s rent (or security deposit) on their new place.

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Re: Grown child living at home - need help!

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Message 22 of 35
Speaking from the other side of the fence. I am now 57 years old but did not move out of my Mothers house until I was 36. Twenty-one years later I am happy to say I lead a normal life and things couldn't be better. My mother never wanted me to move out of the house and there was never any pressure to do so. Was my situation right/wrong? It is hard to define because everyone has a different situation. Am I angry or hold a grudge against my mother for enabling me to move out on my own? Heck no. I have no regrets. Just want to add that I too suffered from depression and didn't have any friends. Now, I have friends, live on my own and I'm successful in my career. So I guess what I'm saying is maybe you should give your son a little more time, (unless he is an absolute deadbeat), and see where it goes. Hopefully, things will turn around for the both of you. Best of luck to you and your son.
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Re: Grown child living at home - need help!

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Message 23 of 35
I've gone through this too a couple of times. When I charged her rent and made her do chores, somehow she then found money enough to move out. Your son can get an additional job if need be. When they have to pay you rent then moving out seems like a good idea even when your rent is lower. You can start low and have it increase each week or every couple of weeks. This works!
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Re: Grown child living at home - need help!

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Message 24 of 35

Hi when I went through this with my 3sons and my little girl I told them that if they were in school they were free to stay at home, but they had to help around the house a little. Done school get a job pay some rent not a lot heck didn’t cover the cost of food 

and still help out this worked for me The girl well she was in college 4 years and then she finished gave her a year to get on her feet then asked her to pay her way to the house bill s

3 months after she moved out with my son and renting a house only been a month since she left its nothing like I was growing up heck turned 18 moved into a little efficiency place then traveled to Florida got my own trailer 

lived there and would still be there if dad didn’t get sick. Moved back to Pa got a place took care of dads grass and help him out 

24 met my wife 28 had a son and a House now in 50’s disabled and have to pay for all work on home car’s ext. ya life has changed kids do not care about us like we did heck 

God help us with this 

generation well I pray for everyone and this sick world Peace ✌️ all the best 

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Message 25 of 35

Another way to look at this:  Why not let them stay?  In other countries, extended families live together and many generations together under one roof.  There would need to be some ground rules, like they need to pay rent and buy their own food.  it can not be a situation where they are just sponging off of you.  However,  if they are working full time and living a productive life and pay their own way in your home, it can be a positive living arraingement, even after they get married and have children of their own.  i currently live with my daughter,  her daughter and boyfriend in a condominium. We are quite comfortable and happy

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Message 26 of 35

Some kids need more time adjust to independence. At 29, it seems definitely there needs to be a plan. Seriously check any possiblitity that the adult child is disabled, if not a plan towards eventual independence is required.  This helps keeps both parties working together towards the same goal.  It is best to have a graduated step say every six months.  It may be the case that the adult child cannot afford to live where the parents live.  You would be showing them how to make six month plans towards acheiving this somewhere in their future.  I could not afford a big house like my parents at eighteen.  I settled for sharing a one bedroom.  That is called growing up and appreciating the niceties of maturity. All in all, all adult children are different and will need different plans.

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Message 27 of 35

Hi Denise and everyone else reading this thread!

 

Denise, thank you for your prayers. As you say, no one solution works for everyone, and I am working towards finding the best one for my family. 

 

I am happy to report that I have had three productive conversations - or maybe I shoud call them "car"-versations - with my son, and I am seeing some forward progress. Heck, he even said that he has been considering learning to drive! After three learner's permits and a near disaster I thought I would never hear those words! He also has been looking at housing - but this is the big problem I knew it would be - everything in this area is so expensive!

 

So, it may be very faint, but there may be a light at the end of this tunnel! Thanks you all for your insight and suggestions!!

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Message 28 of 35

You remind me so much of myself I can't believe it. Lets face it....woman love their families and would rather cut off an arm than turn their back on them. Years ago I had a husband and two children that finally "had to go". I loved them dearly. However, years of trying to communicate, keep the family together, begging and bleeding for something better ended up with me getting sick from all the stress. I also had a career and was trying to "do it all". I'd plead for a little more  help from the family to keep us happy and together as a family. They just looked at me like I was getting on their nerves. Finally, one day, I stopped talking and communicating. I began to feel physically better. The stomach pains were beginnnig to go away. Nothing changed from the family but I felt better. I moved out and got a wonderful apartment...just for me. I'm not sure they knew I was gone ! I finally heard they continued to not speak to each other or shown concern for each other.  I don't think they understood what a tragedy this is for a family. However, I decided that I needed to live ....so I did. There is no "one answer fits all". I will pray for you to have the wisdom and courage to do what is best for you and yours.   

 

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Message 29 of 35

Hi! You make very good points, but I cannot do what your son-in-law did. I wish I could, but it would cause me more stress than the current situation.  There is a lot more to this than I have said, and ultimatums do not work well with my son. I know for most people they do, but like I said, more to the story.

 

However, you are right that he probably is resentful and unhappy being so dependent on us for so long.  I know that when he sees the money he has saved he is thrilled and knows that he "did that" and is proud of himself. I truly appreciate your prayers - they mean a lot to me!

 

I do try to stay in perspective too, since I have two friends with sons about the same age dealing with worse situations - one is a former drug addict and in recovery but not working and living at home, and the other is bipolar and was not able to live on his own (he tried) because he did not take his meds and lost every job he had. So, as much as I will work towards changing our situation, at least I am not dealing with those extra issues! Thanks again!

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Message 30 of 35

I have thought about this a lot, and will start with conversations with him in the car going to and from work. He reacts poorly to "we need to have a talk" and shuts down and does not listen. So, I think if I start with a more casual conversation, about his vision for the future and plans, I will get answers rather than a wall of silence. You know, you made a good point that probably he is not happy with his life either - other than his job. I wsihhe had a betterpaying job because that eliminate some of the problems with this situation, but it is what it is. Anyway, thanks again for your thoughts and support!

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