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Re: Grown child living at home - need help!

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Message 21 of 27

Hi! You make very good points, but I cannot do what your son-in-law did. I wish I could, but it would cause me more stress than the current situation.  There is a lot more to this than I have said, and ultimatums do not work well with my son. I know for most people they do, but like I said, more to the story.

 

However, you are right that he probably is resentful and unhappy being so dependent on us for so long.  I know that when he sees the money he has saved he is thrilled and knows that he "did that" and is proud of himself. I truly appreciate your prayers - they mean a lot to me!

 

I do try to stay in perspective too, since I have two friends with sons about the same age dealing with worse situations - one is a former drug addict and in recovery but not working and living at home, and the other is bipolar and was not able to live on his own (he tried) because he did not take his meds and lost every job he had. So, as much as I will work towards changing our situation, at least I am not dealing with those extra issues! Thanks again!

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Re: Grown child living at home - need help!

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Message 22 of 27

I have thought about this a lot, and will start with conversations with him in the car going to and from work. He reacts poorly to "we need to have a talk" and shuts down and does not listen. So, I think if I start with a more casual conversation, about his vision for the future and plans, I will get answers rather than a wall of silence. You know, you made a good point that probably he is not happy with his life either - other than his job. I wsihhe had a betterpaying job because that eliminate some of the problems with this situation, but it is what it is. Anyway, thanks again for your thoughts and support!

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Re: Grown child living at home - need help!

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Message 23 of 27

Hi....Obviously you are a loving and caring mother. I am a few years older than you but have learned somethings through experience. Whether our children change or not the real issue is that parents have to change.  Your child became an adult at age 21. As such you are under no legal or moral obligation to continue to take care for his basic needs.  This sounds very cold and unfeeling but that is the truth. You have a home and life that you earned. He must now do the same. Our children begin to resent us when we do too much by NOT treating them as adults. Some kids even turn on their parents.  Why ? because it goes against human nature to be dependent too long on parents when they are capable of caring for themselves.  God forbid if something happened to you and your husband....what would he do then ??? When my grandchildren reached 25 years old my son in law put a calendar on the wall then circled the date the boys had to be moved out. I was horrified because he meant it. I was worried about what "my beautiful wonderful grandsons sleeping in the streets ".  They found jobs, moved out and completed their education - all on their own. If it was up to me they would still be living at home. They are so grateful to their father for making them be men. I'll say a prayer for your family. In the meantime let him know when he has to go. That is the day his things will be put out and the locks changed.  Then sit back and try and enjoy your time and the stress that has been eliminated. You will live longer and be happier - you earned that !      

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Re: Grown child living at home - need help!

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Message 24 of 27

Medium love could work!  It sounds like there are already a few things on the horizon that will work in your favor.  I know that depression is difficult because you don't want to push too hard but you don't want to be guilty of inaction either.  I do hope that things get better after the family meeting.  That's a great start.

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Re: Grown child living at home - need help!

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Message 25 of 27

Thank you so much for your reply! I guess I have known in my heart this what I need to do, but I guess I also needed to read it. A do truly apprecaite your words. 

 

A little more background to put my inaction in perspective - he is taking anti-depression meds, and up until recently was also doing talk therapy. He told her at his last visit in December that he did not have anything more to say and wanted to stop. Back in the beginning of this, one day he disappeared and we had no idea where he was, and I freaked out. He always had a flair for the dramatic, but recently he told me that he was seeing what it would be like to be homeless, since life was too overwhelming for him. This is why I have been hesitant to try tough love, but clearly soft love is not working. Maybe medium love is what I need to use.

 

He does plan to move out, and good news, he is splitting his salary each two weeks between savings, "future rent", "room and board," and checking. Room and board is going towards health insurance and any medical expenses. Despite having a college degree, he got further training and is working as a dog handler, making just above minimum wage. This was the only job he could find, and actually the job itself is a good fit. But, we live in an area where rent is out of sight, and he would not be able to live somewhere else without having multiple roommates and as I said, he has no friends. I do not think he realizes how expensive it will be for him.

 

But, I see my  marching orders. We need to have a family conversation, although hubby is not one to like these types of talks,  and fully discuss these things. We have talked about them a bit, but not enough.

 

Again, my thanks for your words and kind wishes!

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Re: Grown child living at home - need help!

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Message 26 of 27

This is such an overwhelming situation and I sympathize with you.  I don't really know where to start, but I don't want to ignore your plight.  Have you tried to talk to your son to let him know that this can no longer continue?  If not, why not?  Silence is not the answer here.  It's possible that your son needs help that you can't provide, like counseling.

 

I know that he is probably dissatisfied with how his life has turned out but that is mostly his own doing. There is a difference between empathy and turning a blind eye.  I would be firm in telling him that he can't live there for an undetermined amount of time.  I would talk to him and ask what his plans are.  I would insist that he do specific chores around the house and that he puts away some money for a new apartment that hopefully is close to a bus stop.

 

Don't allow yourself to become a martyr.  Yes, you created this situation by allowing things that you should not have.  That doesn't mean that he gets to continue to behave this way.  If you don't stop it, how will it ever stop?  You have to be firm and consistent.  You have to stop letting him get away with this.  Do not cook for this grown man.  If things weren't so easy for him, he would be more motivated.  

 

Things will not change overnight.  He's had years where he hasn't had to be accountable.  I'm not being unsympathetic to his depression either.  He can get help for that and regardless at some point, he needs to take responsibility for his life or you should be prepared to deal with this situation for another 29 years.

 

I hope that you take this in the spirit in which it was offered.  Sometimes, we need a little tough love.  This has gone on long enough.  You deserve to be free.  You've raised him.  Now, it's his turn.

 

Good luck to you!

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Grown child living at home - need help!

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Message 27 of 27

Hello! My child, age 29, is still living at home. After college, he was unable to find a job, for years, and sunk into depression. He is finally employed, but his salary is not enough for him to move out. Plus, at this point, he has no friends, and does not drive.

 

I am finding the situation becoming increasingly toxic, as once home from work he goes straight to his room and is on the computer until dinner, then after dinner until bedtime. He contributes nothing in the way of chores or help.

 

I know this is my fault, but we are in established behaviors now, and I need help breaking the bad patterns. Can anyone offer me advice? Thanks in advance!

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