Reply
Highlighted
Conversationalist
0
Kudos
1333
Views

Re: Dealing with a difficult elderly mom

1,333 Views
Message 1 of 10

thanks 

 

i am dealing with alaawyer on other family issues.    my brother says mom is ok. 

 

i think he just shuts down.     right i am dealing with finding out my dad 's estate info He recently past.

 

i can only do so much.    

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
1333
Views
Highlighted
Info Seeker
0
Kudos
1407
Views

Re: Dealing with a difficult elderly mom

1,407 Views
Message 2 of 10

Seems to me there are two separate issues. One Mom is difficult and two "you don't know anything." I can tell you from personal experience this is a deadly combination. So first of all Mom is difficult. Whatever the "causes" of that are it is what it is. Therefore you can only do what is reasonable for you. At the end of the day if you can look at yourself in the mirror and say I did what I could then that is a winning situation. Remember Mom will never say that to you so don't hold your breathe waiting for her approval.

2. As a family member you have the right and obligation to know what is going on with Mom. How is her money being spent, does your brother have the legal rights to be handling all situations. Shutting one family member out creates the perfect opportunity for other family members to take advantage. I do not know if this is your brothers intent, probably not, but it is good to remove that temptation from all family members yourself included. I would push pretty hard to get the information from your brother. If he is not forth coming I would consult a lawyer. 

Above all else remember you are only responsible to do what you can do NOT what others expect you to do. 

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
1407
Views
Highlighted
AARP Expert
0
Kudos
1661
Views

Re: Dealing with a difficult elderly mom

1,661 Views
Message 3 of 10

@1elfin wrote:

 i don't know her health issues mental or physical.  i don;t know if there is dementa.  

 

yes my brother givs no information. when i have contacted him he sees no concern.  

 

I just don't know whats going on with anything.     

 

I will do what i do ,mine my own  business.   

 

I  can't  ever satisfy her.    


Hello Diane,

Do what you do, and try to satisfy yourself, too. Take care of yourself. As you would care for someone you love deeply and cherish.

 

Feel free to share, any breakthroughs or successes. We all need to hear those. And also, any more tribulations. You are being kept out of the loop. Be careful.

 

Jane

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
1661
Views
Highlighted
Conversationalist
0
Kudos
1686
Views

Re: Dealing with a difficult elderly mom

1,686 Views
Message 4 of 10

 i don't know her health issues mental or physical.  i don;t know if there is dementa.  

 

yes my brother givs no information. when i have contacted him he sees no concern.  

 

I just don't know whats going on with anything.     

 

I will do what i do ,mine my own  business.   

 

I  can't  ever satisfy her.    

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
1686
Views
Highlighted
AARP Expert
0
Kudos
1707
Views

Re: Dealing with a difficult elderly mom

1,707 Views
Message 5 of 10

@1elfin wrote:

I assume my brother has poer of attrony, i'm sorry i don;t know anything.   I am the the family outside.

my brother won't give any info either.  

I m looking into seeing a social worker. i need some who cam meediate between us.

 

 i don't arfgue, pointless with a narcassist.     

 

The HIPPA act really is bad in situations like this.   She can dr shop and bs them, and i am 

powerless to get into.  I am looking to see if their is family acceptions. 

 

This is too much for me. I know i am not the best interaction.  makes it even harder.  

is what is.  do what i can

 diane


Hi Diane! That was quick!

 

I'm a little confused. Your mother is in independent living; is she also dealing with dementia ?  Is your brother making decisions for her, and excluding you specifically?  You also mention HIPAA: yeah it can be really inconvenient. But, if you go with her to the doctor, they aren't going to exclude you from the examining room unless your mother says you have to leave. 

 

Are you concerned that she isn't getting good care, or that your brother is taking advantage of her in some way? 

 

Narcissists are really hard to deal with. Yes, it is what it is. And i'm glad you're talking to a social worker. She or he will hopefully be helpful to you.

 

Keep us in the loop, okay? We learn from each other!

 

Jane

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
1707
Views
Highlighted
Conversationalist
0
Kudos
1711
Views

Re: Dealing with a difficult elderly mom

1,711 Views
Message 6 of 10

I assume my brother has poer of attrony, i'm sorry i don;t know anything.   I am the the family outside.

my brother won't give any info either.  

I m looking into seeing a social worker. i need some who cam meediate between us.

 

 i don't arfgue, pointless with a narcassist.     

 

The HIPPA act really is bad in situations like this.   She can dr shop and bs them, and i am 

powerless to get into.  I am looking to see if their is family acceptions. 

 

This is too much for me. I know i am not the best interaction.  makes it even harder.  

is what is.  do what i can

 diane

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
1711
Views
Highlighted
AARP Expert
0
Kudos
1720
Views

Re: Dealing with a difficult elderly mom

1,720 Views
Message 7 of 10

@1elfin wrote:

my mom is in indepwndent living.   We hve always had a strained relationship.  

 

She is diffcukt to talk too. She brings up important info out of the blue.  

 

She is very secertive.    She is verbally abusive at times.    

 

I am alone, and my brother is not helpful.   He is in coohoots with mom. 

 

I don't have any idea what her situation really is.   

 

How can i talk to her with out an arguement?

 

 

 


Hi Elfin. You posted your issue a couple of months ago, and it's a thorny problem you've got. There is a caregiver's forum on this aarp site and there are lots of difficult relationships between adult-caregiving-children, and cranky parents. And so many sibling disagreements, i wish i had a dollar for everyone. I could retire.

 

She's in independent living. You have a brother and he's in cahoots with your mother. When you see her, she brings up important things that catch you by surprise, it sounds like. And before long during a visit, you both are arguing. Or she is? Does not sound pleasant.

 

So, you 'don't have any idea what her situation really is.'  Which, maybe, includes, how well she's doing in independent living, whether she might additional help, how her health is, for how long she can afford it... Has she named either you or your brother health care power of attorney, so in case she, say, has a stroke, one of you would make decisions on her behalf, and only AFTER she's made clear whether she wants to be kept alive on machines, or not. I'm guessing that either she hasn't done the legal or financial planning, or she has but you don't know about it.

 

Is she secretive because she's afraid someone is after her money, and/or, she's afraid she won't be in charge of her affairs any more if she reveals that she's forgetting things, or falling now and again?

 

So let me ask the touchy question. Why do you need to know more about her situation? Your brother may have it all in hand, and in any case, you are out of the loop. Yup, she's your mother. But... she's being cared for by your brother. You two argue. Let him deal with her.

 

Perhaps in response you'd say, but she's my mother. And my response back might be, so? You can care about your mother from a distance. Emotionally. But, if it's hard to be with her or to try to get involved, there's no law that says you have to. You can honor your mother and father from a distance. 

 

Is it inheritance that is the issue, or an issue? Eek. Well then, i'd talk to an elder law attorney. Just to see if there's some way to get involved to protect your eventual claim. 

 

I'm being provocative here, but i'm trying to get at why you want to get involved or become more involved. 

 

Here's another thought. If your mother hasn't named your brother over you as health decision maker, you can find out how she's doing by talking to the director of nursing, the social worker or activities director. You can tell them you just want to know how she's doing? 

 

If you want to improve communication between the three of you, is there someone that all of you know who could help? Like a minister? You'd like to have a family meeting to find out how she is and what the next steps might be if she needs more care or is running out of money or something, and The Rev. so and so can help. Are there any other siblings, or trusted aunts or uncles? She might be nicer with someone else present besides your brother and yourself.

 

Lotta ideas I've thrown out here. What do you think? It's been a while, but maybe you've figured this out on your own already, in which case, do enlighten the rest of us! We all need all the creativity we can get!

 

Jane

 

 

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
1720
Views
Highlighted
Conversationalist
0
Kudos
1904
Views

Re: Dealing with a difficult elderly mom

1,904 Views
Message 8 of 10

i have looked for help , i am no where.

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
1904
Views
Highlighted
Contributor
0
Kudos
1927
Views

Re: Dealing with a difficult elderly mom

1,927 Views
Message 9 of 10

Wow I feel like I was the one that wrote this. I am going through the same thing. I wish I had an answer for you, but I need one myself. Just didn't want you to feel along in this situation. Stay strong. I hope someone can give us a answer. 

 

Same boat......:

 

 


 

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
1927
Views
Highlighted
Conversationalist
1
Kudos
2028
Views
9
Replies

Dealing with a difficult elderly mom

2,028 Views
Message 10 of 10

my mom is in indepwndent living.   We hve always had a strained relationship.  

 

She is diffcukt to talk too. She brings up important info out of the blue.  

 

She is very secertive.    She is verbally abusive at times.    

 

I am alone, and my brother is not helpful.   He is in coohoots with mom. 

 

I don't have any idea what her situation really is.   

 

How can i talk to her with out an arguement?

 

 

 

Report Inappropriate Content
1
Kudos
2028
Views
9
Replies
cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 
Users
Announcements

AARP Coronavirus Call-in Event

AARP will host a weekly, live Coronavirus Information Tele-Town Hall on Thursdays at 1 pm (ET). Learn more on AARP's Coronavirus Tele-Town Hall page and join us each week for the latest information.

Calling is toll-free. During the 90-minute live event, government experts will answer your questions and address health concerns related to COVID-19.