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teen age son abusing his Mother-what to do?

Any ideas on what I can do? I looked at hotlines listed with the police department. Which should I call if that's the best resouce?

 

Our 15 year old son yells at his Mother when he is asked to do his chores (wash his clothes, clean room, etc) and to stop electronics (video games, movies, phone use, etc.) He yells in a threatening manner until his Mother is in tears. He does this when I'm not home (his Father) and I'm often called to come home. He will stop when I'm at home, however he's too old and strong for any punnishment and goes on "strike" meaning not doing any chores and sometimes not doing schoolwork. 

 

are these any I should call? 

Elder Protection Abuse Report Center Hotline? 800 922 5330

Departement of Children & Families? 913 826 7300

Johnson County Mental Health? 913 782 2100

 

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@DaivdW94563 wrote:

Any ideas on what I can do? I looked at hotlines listed with the police department. Which should I call if that's the best resouce?

 

Our 15 year old son yells at his Mother when he is asked to do his chores (wash his clothes, clean room, etc) and to stop electronics (video games, movies, phone use, etc.) He yells in a threatening manner until his Mother is in tears. He does this when I'm not home (his Father) and I'm often called to come home. He will stop when I'm at home, however he's too old and strong for any punnishment and goes on "strike" meaning not doing any chores and sometimes not doing schoolwork. 

 

are these any I should call? 

Elder Protection Abuse Report Center Hotline? 800 922 5330

Departement of Children & Families? 913 826 7300

Johnson County Mental Health? 913 782 2100

 


Hi there. 

 

I'm a psychotherapist and i see people from the age of 8 or so up to the very oldest folks. I recommend that you and your wife see a therapist, and then bring the son in at a second session. His behavior is a failure of parenting, and perhaps something in his nature, but all three of you need help to be a healthy happy family. He's behaving like this for a reason and a punative, law enforcement 'scare' is not going to help. 

 

And why are you not backing up your wife? When you get home, you both offer him consequences for his behavior. 

 

If there's a parenting group on this web site, i think this scenario might be aired out there.

 

My 2 cents. 

 

Jane

in rural Oregon

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It may seem tempting and deserved, but please refrain from calling the police. There are so many factors that go into this type of behavior and unfortunately the shock and awe of an encounter with the police will be short lived and he will only be resentful. I doubt they would take him to jail and you really don't want that. Family counseling may be an option, however, this is it's own quagmire as you try to determine if the professionals/advocates are actually invested in "resolving" issues or milking the insurance. It could also spawn ideas about sending him to a "facility"...not good. Most of the time, kids simply need to age-out of this tempermental rollercoaster. Try reducing his exposure to video games, keep supporting and guiding him while utilizing well-planned disciplinary action as a united front. If he has no history of depression, special needs, etc., he is likely just a normal teen testing the bounds, while he still craves the security of strong parenting. Mom may have to suck it up.

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I'm sure every situation is different but I didn't have a Husband when my oversized teen began his rebelious stage. Agree with the suggestion of not calling the Police unless there is no other choice. What I did was called one of his Uncles that lived near by. This Uncle was sort of a big tuff guy that people would think twice about confronting. My Son had already put his fist through a wall by this time. The Uncle walked in and ordered my Son age 15 outside. Then he very firmly chest to chest stated " Boy, if you think you can take me, go for it. Other wise get in there and appolizise to your Mother"

THat seemed to work fro a while. I year or so later there was another episode when my Son got out of control again. This time I was in my room (across from his) and he was standing in my doorway shouting about something. I told him he needed to calm down and back away from my door. If he needed to discuss something then we could sit down and talk. Since I did not just jump up from what I was doing at that moment, he he shouted "NOW!" I said "Young man , you need to change your tone with me" So he answers "Or what, you'll call uncle Uncle Phillip again ?" 

I answered "No , I believe I will handle this myself this time" As he chuckled I set my 120 lb body into attack mode and barreled into him full force. It caught him off guard and knocked him from my door into hisand on the floor.Then I calmly walked back to my room and continued what I was doing. I guess he was in total shock because it took him a few minutes before he appeared in my doorway again, this time very calmly he said " Okay, I shouldn't have yelled at you.Can you show me how you did that? I replied no, not until you learn that you are not in charge here. When you are grown and move to your own place , it will be your turn to be the adult in charge. But for now, you will have to be content with being the Son"

My Son never challenged me again. He's 45 yearsold and a very polite and helpful person living on his own.. He is also a best friend.

 

Norma Jean Ray
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I apologize, @DaivdW94563 , but I have a question regarding your post. Why did you just join our forum to post this?

 

The fact that there is physical abuse involved but you advised you did not want the abuser to suffer consequences is questionable. Why shield an abuser, no matter the relationship? If my brother abused his wife or children I would intervene with all the actions the law allows. If my sister-in-law abused her husband or children I would intervene with all the actions the law allows.

 

I'm confused with your apparent refusal to protect someone you love...


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@WebWiseWoman , I have to admit to some confusion with your post, can you clarify please?

 

You said "...there is physical abuse involved but you advised you did not want the abuser to suffer consequences is questionable"

 

I had an entirely opposite understanding of the original post (and followup). I read that there was no physical abuse (so far, at least). And I also read (post #3) that the OP had a desire to call the police and "would like him [his son] to spend a few nights in jail"...this latter again being the opposite, in my mind, of your point of OP not wanting "the abuser" to suffer any consequences. 

 

Am I reading these posts incorrectly?

 

I pondered whether I should even say anything, I'm sure the OP can answer for himself. But then that may be part of the problem these days...that people don't seem to speak up for others and don't want to get involved, so that thought changed my mind and I decided to say something.

 

Also, the OP's son is a child. 15 years old but still a child, not an adult. The situation, in my view, is very different from an adult abusing their parent, spouse, or child. Entirely different. This is not to say that OP's family situation is not serious, this kid certainly needs some help and the family needs to be kept safe.

 

It sounds as though you think the OP is uncaring and refusing to care for his family. I view it as a loving father and loving husband seriously concerned about his family and needing and pleading for help...a lifeline. Anything.

 

 

 

 


@WebWiseWoman wrote:

I apologize, @DaivdW94563 , but I have a question regarding your post. Why did you just join our forum to post this?

 

The fact that there is physical abuse involved but you advised you did not want the abuser to suffer consequences is questionable. Why shield an abuser, no matter the relationship? If my brother abused his wife or children I would intervene with all the actions the law allows. If my sister-in-law abused her husband or children I would intervene with all the actions the law allows.

 

I'm confused with your apparent refusal to protect someone you love...


 

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Hi. I agree with Fred. If your son can control his anger around you, he should be able to control it around your wife. 

Anger, especially in men and boys, can be a sign of depression. I'd check that first. 

I am NOT blaming your wife here, but there are some different parenting approaches that do help. I really don't want that to be seen as blaming. In her shoes (I have four kids 24 down to 13, and one is similar to your son), I would want all the tools I could have at my disposal.

 

This program is good. They give classes local to me, but they offer some online programs too.

https://pepparentonline.org/p/why-dont-my-kids-listen-to-me

 

If your wife likes to read, these books are good:

 

https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Teens-Will-Listen/dp/0060741260/ref=pd_sbs_14_5/136-0114213-8418634?...

 

https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451/ref=sr_1_4...

 

 

The second one is also a short audio book, if that's more appealing.

 

and finally, if he has a low frustration tolerance level, this book is helpful. 

https://www.amazon.com/Solving-Executive-Function-Challenges-Unstuck/dp/1598576038/ref=sr_1_2?crid=1...

disregard the fact it talks about autism and ADHD. It's helpful for any kid (or adult) with rigid thinking and low frustration tolerance. 

 

Good luck. I know it's rough. 

 

 

 

Silver Conversationalist

hi ManicProgressive.... Thank you for stepping in. Good thoughts you had.

 


@ManicProgressive 

 


 

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wow, what a horrible situation. Yes, you (and your wife. AND your son) certainly need help before this gets even worse.

 

I doubt the "senior abuse" hotline will be worthwhile, as I'm sure your wife is not old enough to be a "senior" (is she?).

 

If your son is in school I might call the school and speak to one of their student counselors, they may be able to give you some good guidance.

 

Best wishes...

 

 

 


@DaivdW94563 wrote:

Any ideas on what I can do? I looked at hotlines listed with the police department. Which should I call if that's the best resouce?

 

Our 15 year old son yells at his Mother when he is asked to do his chores (wash his clothes, clean room, etc) and to stop electronics (video games, movies, phone use, etc.) He yells in a threatening manner until his Mother is in tears. He does this when I'm not home (his Father) and I'm often called to come home. He will stop when I'm at home, however he's too old and strong for any punnishment and goes on "strike" meaning not doing any chores and sometimes not doing schoolwork. 

 

are these any I should call? 

Elder Protection Abuse Report Center Hotline? 800 922 5330

Departement of Children & Families? 913 826 7300

Johnson County Mental Health? 913 782 2100

 


 

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Thanks for the reply. A school counselor is a good idea that I hadn't considered.

For clarification, I'm retired and 64 years old, my wife is a homemaker and 54 years old. 

(I would like him to spend a few nights in jail-contacting the police on 911 for a domestic disturbance call and having a police squad car show up might set in motion events I would regrett)

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hi David, Thanks for the extra information (for what it's worth, I'm 67 and my wife is 55....sorta like you guys).

 

There could be all sorts of reasons for aggression and that behavior. It seems like it all stems from anger...but from what though, that's the question?! I did a quick search on Google "how to help teenager with anger and aggresion" got a lot of hits that are probably helpful, I suggest doing a search like that.

 

I'd try to get some help first before calling the police (hehe), that might just aggravate the situation ...although I really understand your desire and your frustration! 

 

Meeting yourselves, you and your wife, first with the school counselor, without your son, would probably be the way to start. They might direct you to a private counselor/therapist, again you'd probably go on your own first.

 

Another thought, there are so many forums on the internet now (like this forum) there must be some for how to handle kids with anger and aggression issues. I'd try to find a supportive one with that focused attention.

It's telling that your son can control his anger when you're around (at least he does so for now). So he can control this. He can learn to better control his behavior (and attitude) towards his mother.

 

Best wishes David.


@DaivdW94563 wrote:

Thanks for the reply. A school counselor is a good idea that I hadn't considered.

For clarification, I'm retired and 64 years old, my wife is a homemaker and 54 years old. 

(I would like him to spend a few nights in jail-contacting the police on 911 for a domestic disturbance call and having a police squad car show up might set in motion events I would regrett)




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