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Message 11 of 21
I tried that site,,but says nonexistent. I also many husbands caregiver. Just enrolled in Hospice, He has inoperable liver cancer, chirrosis of the liver and suffers from H.E. I gave no family support and could really "talk" to others with same difficulty, he is a vet. So I gave applied for aid and assistance over a month ago but no response yet. We are living off our social security..which we all know isn't enough. So if anyone knows how to get into a support group in Virginia,please let me know. Thanks forletting lettingme event. Good luck to all.
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Message 12 of 21

Thank you Jane!

 

That's my my middle name by the way! I am a live-in caregiver. My daughter thankfully has stepped in to alleviate some of the responsibilities of caring for my mom. Being a live-in and without a car makes it difficult to "make time for me" I'm glad there are options to not feel like you are in it alone.

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Message 13 of 21

@AngelaW998386 wrote:

I needed to add something to my complaints. Don't get me wrong! I love my mom. I do, as all caregivers, need to find a way to deflate. Caregiving is overwhelming. It does affect the person emotionally and physically and financially. So, understanding of resentment at times I believe is natural, unless you have a healthy financial platform! But, don't let it become permanent major thing to define you!  You are sure to experience a multitude of emotions, but knowing how to handle this is the key to a healthier relationship. I am thankful for Aarp to have this opportunity for caregivers to share their experiences!!  Heart


Hey, Angela, you are so right.

A couple of things will also help the resentment:

1. self-care, drawing boundaries, getting time off

2. Try to avoid martyrdom: find others to help, and/or help your parents to use their money to pay for more help.

3. Handling emotions does not mean sweeping under the rug! Or trying to be cheerful when you are furious or very hurt. Maybe take up journaling so you have a place to dump. And feel free to dump here.

4. Consider therapy. You can sort out your childhood and your caregiving role in the healthiest way. A two-for-one benefit!

 

That was 4 things not two.

 

So glad you wrote back. Keep it coming,

every day is fine!

Jane

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Message 14 of 21

I needed to add something to my complaints. Don't get me wrong! I love my mom. I do, as all caregivers, need to find a way to deflate. Caregiving is overwhelming. It does affect the person emotionally and physically and financially. So, understanding of resentment at times I believe is natural, unless you have a healthy financial platform! But, don't let it become permanent major thing to define you!  You are sure to experience a multitude of emotions, but knowing how to handle this is the key to a healthier relationship. I am thankful for Aarp to have this opportunity for caregivers to share their experiences!!  Heart

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Message 15 of 21

Good morning! I put the same link in my reply to you, too, and they work for me. Try this: google "aarp.org 

How can I find support groups for family caregivers?"

and that should work. 

Jane

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Message 16 of 21
Dear Jane, I clicked on the link you provided to Angela- https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/answers/info-2017/family-caregivers-support-groups.html and got a msg that the page does not exist. Perhaps a typo? thanks.
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Message 17 of 21

@AngelaW998386 wrote:

I've been a FT and now PT caregiver for my parents for almost 5 years now. I know the stress, disagreements, uncooperative situations caregiving can bring. I happen to have moved in to their home, while they could not stay without someone else here. My mom is diabetic, overweight, has problems with osteoarthritis and her blood pressure. She can be a bit extreme when it comes to her emotional health. She often will over exaggerate her conditions. Telling things like she is in a wheelchair. (not true) Or that she is being abused (definitely not true!) Me and my father who is a vet and also with dementia and fallen arch with his one foot caters to her "almost" every wish from the time she gets up til the time she finally decides to go to bed, which can be into the wee hours of the morning. I hate to think of them having to receive care in a nursing home. I do my best, great housekeeper and cook, giving bed baths. But, most of the time it just never seems to be good enough. You ever had someone make you feel that way? She doesn't realize the sacrifice of any social life or love life or vacation I make. SOOO... I am searching also for a support group here in NC. Smiley Frustrated


Hey there, Angela, 

For one thing I'm glad you are now PT caregiver. What changed? Did your parents hire professional caregivers, and/or did other members of the family pitch in? 

Sounds like your father, and maybe other members of the family, have catered to your mother and she has been 'enabled' to be a self centered person. I'm reading here between the lines, but it doesn't sound as though she was a particularly generous person before she became more disabled, but i could be wrong. 

 

Do look for an in-person support group, and try https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/answers/info-2017/family-caregivers-support-groups.html  if you like. 

 

I'd also enlarge the caregiving circle to other family if it all possible and develop a team approach. And my best advice is to find a therapist who can coach you through some new behaviors; because in order to stay sane in such an environment, you're going to have to act differently. And that takes practice. And support.

 

Tell us more....

 

Jane

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Message 18 of 21

@EllenR643118 wrote:

hello, I'm brand new here, and not quite sure how to use the forums. So I'll jump in. Is anyone in a caregivers support group?

I feel like I'm going to lose my mind if I don't have opportunity to talk about all the conflicting feelings arising from suddenly becoming partial caretaker of my father. I live in NJ.

Is this a place where people talk about their feelings?

I cannot be the only tormented person here.

I would like to share with people taking care of a parent or other loved one.


Hi Ellen, jumping in is the best way. You can start up a new topic or respond to an existing post, or simply tell your story with a theme, like, How do you all get siblings to help? Or, how come i'm so resentful of this new role of caregiving? It's all fair game.

 

My guess is that you were unexpectedly tasked with becoming 'partial caregiver' for your father. Since it was 'sudden.' And that you and your father have not always had a perfectly harmonious relationship. Perhaps the suddenness came from someone else dropping the responsibility of caregiving, or  maybe he had a sudden deterioration of his physical condition, like a stroke or a bad fall. And, I'm just guessing here, but if he is your typical male human being, socialized to be boss/Father/Independent & Self Sufficient man, he is none-too-pleased to NEED caregiving, however partial. 

 

So on top of whatever else you had going, job, family, your own health needs, you now have to add, or choose to add, 'partial caregiving' to the to do list. And that's another part time job, depending. Is he in NJ, too?

 

Support groups for caregivers can be really helpful.  AARP has developed some cool tools to help you: https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/answers/info-2017/family-caregivers-support-groups.html   

 

As for mixed feelings, I have relied on psychotherapists over the years to listen to me for 50 minutes so that i can sort out how i feel, and work through the resentments or old grief, or whatever, so that i can bring my best self to the task. NJ must have good resources. I live in very rural Oregon: i have to drive 2 1/2 hours to see my therapist so i go only once a month.

 

Tell us more and thanks for writing,

Jane

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Message 19 of 21

hello Angela,

you say, "it just never seems to be good enough. You ever had someone make you feel that way? She doesn't realize the sacrifice of any social life or love life or vacation I make."

I totally understand!

My father makes me feel the same way.

You are doing a lot.

I found the United Way in NJ to be helpful re finding one possible support group. Maybe see if there is a United Way near you.

 

good luck.

 

ellen

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Message 20 of 21

I've been a FT and now PT caregiver for my parents for almost 5 years now. I know the stress, disagreements, uncooperative situations caregiving can bring. I happen to have moved in to their home, while they could not stay without someone else here. My mom is diabetic, overweight, has problems with osteoarthritis and her blood pressure. She can be a bit extreme when it comes to her emotional health. She often will over exaggerate her conditions. Telling things like she is in a wheelchair. (not true) Or that she is being abused (definitely not true!) Me and my father who is a vet and also with dementia and fallen arch with his one foot caters to her "almost" every wish from the time she gets up til the time she finally decides to go to bed, which can be into the wee hours of the morning. I hate to think of them having to receive care in a nursing home. I do my best, great housekeeper and cook, giving bed baths. But, most of the time it just never seems to be good enough. You ever had someone make you feel that way? She doesn't realize the sacrifice of any social life or love life or vacation I make. SOOO... I am searching also for a support group here in NC. Smiley Frustrated

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