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caring for elderly parents

I am trying to figure out what is biblically correct. My mom was in a car accident on November 17 and has been hospitalized since. She went to rehab this week. They say she can't come home unless there's someone to take care of her full time. My dad is also in bad health and shouldn't be left alone. I have two sisters who both work and a brother who works. I have been out of work since I broke my hip in may. My husband and I have been separated most of the time since may die to marital issues. We've both wanted to work it out but one thing or another has called me away. I moved my things back in the week before Mom's accident. I feel I'm obligated to take care of them since I don't work and asked my husband about moving close to my parents but he won't even consider it. I basically have to choose between my parents and my husband and I'm so confused.

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Hi

Im 55. My parents are 86 and 87. I live 30 minutes away from them. Between the two of them they have many physical conditions which are slowing them down and making daily life difficult. They still live in the house they bought 55 years ago with several flights of stairs. They have made it known they will not leave their home. I have looked at all kinds of senior living situations and home care options. My problem is they will not even discuss anything. My mother becomes hysterical and my Dad just refuses. I'm sitting on the information but for how long do I wait?

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@p736153f wrote:

Hi

Im 55. My parents are 86 and 87. I live 30 minutes away from them. Between the two of them they have many physical conditions which are slowing them down and making daily life difficult. They still live in the house they bought 55 years ago with several flights of stairs. They have made it known they will not leave their home. I have looked at all kinds of senior living situations and home care options. My problem is they will not even discuss anything. My mother becomes hysterical and my Dad just refuses. I'm sitting on the information but for how long do I wait?


Are they taking their medications as they should? are they falling in their home

at all or worse, with some regularity? are they eating well (is the fridge almost empty)?  Is the house, particulary the kitchen and bathrooms, clean enough? 

 

Are you an only child? Could you and any other sibling take turns visiting and seeing to them? Offer to mow the lawn, spend an hour thoroughly scrubbing the bathroom? 

 

In my experience with my own parents and clients as a social worker, it takes a crisis to shift the willingness. A hospitalization due to a fall (broken bone or hip), a stroke, an infection like a UTI or pneumonia to which older people are susceptible.  That's when you start strategizing about what to do. You hire a gal you like and bring her over with you to the home, and the two of you start cleaning and then you say, now mom and dad, she's going to come twice a week to make sure things are okay.... Or one of them goes to rehab and the other is by him or herself and really needs tending to...

 

Are you alone in this? how much money do they have to hire people? how 'with it' are they?

 

keep writing. there's a lot of smart people here...

 

jane

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   That's exactly my dilemma. The Bible says when we marry, we become one, forsaking our parents and all others. It also says to honor your mother and father and take care of the elderly. My siblings work yes, but like everyone else these days they are struggling most of the time to just survive. Mom has exhausted all medical funding. I know my siblings should step up but they aren't going to and I feel that ultimately I'm not responsible for their actions only my own. So again do you forsake parents in need of medical help or stay with your husband?

Spoiler
 
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@t906342b wrote:

   That's exactly my dilemma. The Bible says when we marry, we become one, forsaking our parents and all others. It also says to honor your mother and father and take care of the elderly. My siblings work yes, but like everyone else these days they are struggling most of the time to just survive. Mom has exhausted all medical funding. I know my siblings should step up but they aren't going to and I feel that ultimately I'm not responsible for their actions only my own. So again do you forsake parents in need of medical help or stay with your husband?

Spoiler
 

You know your family better than i do, certainly, but... why is this ONLY YOUR PROBLEM?  Survival or no survival, they are struggling and you're trying to keep your marriage together. Helloooooooo?  I'm calling out to your siblings.

 

There are ways to find funding. Reverse mortgages can pay for help while your folks live there and when they die, the house goes to the bank. that is one of many ways. An eldercare lawyer can help you all look for options. Including medicaid. Are either of your parents veterans? there are options there as well. 

 

how about a meeting at her rehab facility with everyone coming to visit her and then gathering in a conference room and working out a plan?  there should be a social worker there who can help. 

 

does your husband have elderly parents? is he going to refuse to help them when the time comes?

 

 

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 Both parents are on social security and are renting  they do not have savings of any kind. Neither one is a veteran. My husband didn't have parents. He was raised by different relatives so he doesn't quite understand. Again it shouldn't only be my problem but I'm the only one willing to step up. I'm blessed that my five children stepped up when I broke my hip because my husband didn't take care of me

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Okay, well, help me out here, what ideas can you come up with to make this work? Why not have a family meeting? At least make it look like this is a situation that needs to be faced by the entire family. Jobs don't take up 16 hours a day 7 days a week. 

 

Are you questioning whether to move back out of your husband's home? He was no help at all? Just asking.

 

think outside of every possible box here...

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Spoiler
 

No my husband did not take care of me. My daughter's helped me with showers. He provided a little financially. But back to parents, they can't be left alone, I don't of any more funding at this point, and siblings aunt step up. There are no other available relatives. I would be able to T least get my one sister to take weekends and I could come home but my husband isn't accepting that either. I'm totally for a solution that would put someone there with parents so I could be at home

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@t906342b wrote:
Spoiler
 

No my husband did not take care of me. My daughter's helped me with showers. He provided a little financially. But back to parents, they can't be left alone, I don't of any more funding at this point, and siblings aunt step up. There are no other available relatives. I would be able to T least get my one sister to take weekends and I could come home but my husband isn't accepting that either. I'm totally for a solution that would put someone there with parents so I could be at home

 


With your parents' income so low, they may be eligible for Medicaid, which would hopefully cover home health aides for hours each day. It depends on the state, and the waiting lists. But the way to find out, and apply, is by going to eldercare.gov and entering in your parents' zip code, then make an appointment. i know for a fact that you'll need all your parents' income statements, which they just received as part of the end of the year mailings. and probably tax returns going back years. It's a real hassle, but very much worth it. Because a lot of benefits flow from it. 

 

i do hope the rest of the family will help out. this is what family DOES. whether they like it or not, like their parents or not, is inconvenient or not. 

 

i am glad to hear you have supportive adult children. what does your daughter think about your options?

 

Jane

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I do have a sister that takes care of the legal stuff and I'll put her on it. One of my daughters lost her job while taking care of me. Another daughter and her husband would be willing to uproot the children to go take care of her grandparents if necessary so she's totally supportive of me going and said she will help much as she can. The other three children are willing to take care of my husband to help me out since he won't move with me. He says he's willing to help but they have to move here. We live in a tent for one thing and another my mom isn't stable enough from the accident to be moved right now.

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@t906342b wrote:

I do have a sister that takes care of the legal stuff and I'll put her on it. One of my daughters lost her job while taking care of me. Another daughter and her husband would be willing to uproot the children to go take care of her grandparents if necessary so she's totally supportive of me going and said she will help much as she can. The other three children are willing to take care of my husband to help me out since he won't move with me. He says he's willing to help but they have to move here. We live in a tent for one thing and another my mom isn't stable enough from the accident to be moved right now.


Why does your husband need taking care of? is he disabled? Why are you living in a tent? Your mother is still in the rehab/nursing home, right? I'm glad your daughters are supportive. I hope you all know about the Family Medical Leave Act. Anyone's job can be protected with unpaid leave for weeks at a time with a doctor's letter, IF the place that you work at is larger than 50 people. I'm sorry your daughter lost her job. 

 

Please look up the agency in charge of eldercare in your area and make an appointment to see the social worker. Take your sister with you. www.eldercare.gov and enter your zip code. It seems all so very disruptive to your family, your marriage. 

 

You don't have to reveal any more than you want to of course on this community, but i am worried about you.

 

jane

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My husband is perfectly healthy except for a pinched nerve in his shoulder that we're dealing with. We live in a tent because it's what my husband wanted to do because of the hasslel we have finding a place to rent which will take our dogs which happen to be Rottweilers  since my last post, my mom has been readmitted to ICU in the hospital. She has developed pneumonia again as well as colitis and server sepsis. She is once again in very critical condition. I did check into Medicaid and they are 38 dollars over income from being eligible even though they only get income of 1500 a month and no other assistance. I will check into the elder care. My daughter worked at huddle house at the time with maybe 10 employees at most. Thank you for all your help and advice. It is truly appreciated. I'm holding up just trying to do the right thing and what's best for everyone

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@t906342b wrote:

. . . .. I did check into Medicaid and they are 38 dollars over income from being eligible even though they only get income of 1500 a month and no other assistance. I will check into the elder care. 


You said "they" - who is "they" ?

 

Medicaid for the elderly works differently than for others.  Different eligibility requirements which are looked at only for the individual applying for Medicaid program for the elderly.

 

Sounds like she will be a candidate for recooperation in a nursing home if she makes it that far - sounds like she not doing well.  I agree with Jane, a palliative care consult might be in order - what do the doc's say about her long term condition and recuperating ?

It's Always Something . . . . Roseanna Roseannadanna
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For Long term care medicaid, she can 'spend down' to eligility. Worth looking into. The social worker at the hospital, and its business office, might be able to help. You still have to gather a lot of documents.

 

I trust it's warm weather where you live. Tents can be quite wonderful, and i bet your dogs are happy. Glad you found a solution to affordable housing that meets your needs!

 

Mom sounds pretty sick. Perhaps ask for a palliative care consult? To make sure she is as comfortable as possible?

 

glad you are still writing and reading here. keep us posted and somehow take care of yourself

 

jane

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@t906342b wrote:

I am trying to figure out what is biblically correct. My mom was in a car accident on November 17 and has been hospitalized since. She went to rehab this week. They say she can't come home unless there's someone to take care of her full time. My dad is also in bad health and shouldn't be left alone. I have two sisters who both work and a brother who works. I have been out of work since I broke my hip in may. My husband and I have been separated most of the time since may die to marital issues. We've both wanted to work it out but one thing or another has called me away. I moved my things back in the week before Mom's accident. I feel I'm obligated to take care of them since I don't work and asked my husband about moving close to my parents but he won't even consider it. I basically have to choose between my parents and my husband and I'm so confused.


Well, there's honor your father and mother. And there are the vows you took when you married.

 

There's got to be a way to do both. Okay you have 3 siblings who work. That means that they are not completely broke. They can donate to your parents to pay for home health aides to come into the home. Sounds like family meeting time. What do you folks need? Do they have savings? THIS is the rainy day, folks; time to dip into the rainy day fund. How far are you away from them? How far are you siblings?

 

Family meeting time. right away. 

 

keep talking right here. let's work this out. i will look for your posts, and other wise folks will too. 

 

jane

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I live 3 hours West of my parents, a brother and sister live 3 hours north of them while another sister lives close to them. Again she works also and won't sacrifice for the parents

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