@MariaA751063 My heart goes out to you! You've taken the first step which is to identify your feelings - it's great that you are aware of that feeling of drowning. Now to get you some help. Since you are dealing with dementia with your mother in law (and possibly your dad too if he's giving his SS to an unknown woman overseas? Or do you think he's just vulnerable to scams?), I'd suggest you find a local Alzheimer's support group.
- Go to the Community Resource Finder at www.communityresourcefinder.org
- Click on "Alzheimers Association Programs and Events"
- Click on the little circle next to "Alzheimers Support Groups"
- Put in your zip code or city/state (use the two letter abbreviation for the state)
- That wlll then give you a list of support groups near you. Call and get the info and I'd suggest you make going to a mtg a high priority. You'll get emotional support, helpful information, other people who "get it" (like we do here 🙂
Since your life is a bit crazed I'm sure it will be/seem hard to get to a support group meeting. Make it that high priority and go whenever you can. But also stay involved here because we are here any time and you can post 24/7 and get a response as soon as we can.
I cared for my grandmother who had Alzheimers - she was sure I was stealing her things - especially she thought any needlework I was doing was hers - she had been a talented seamstress, needlepointer and quilter so in her mind if I was in her house and doing some needlework it was hers! I'd just give it to her and she'd set it aside eventually 🙂 She had a lot of difficult behaviors for a time, and then she would also tell me a was such a nice and precious girl. And I cared for my Dad who had Alzheimers and lived with me for 6 of the approx. 12 years I cared for him. He didn't have a lot of those tricky behaviors - I think because of all that I did to support him and manage them. Some things that might help:
Always remember that trying to reason with someone in the throes of dementia generally doesn't help. You of course need to use your own intuition and knowledge to determine when they can handle reasoning and when they can't. Much of the time it's best to validate and divert. Validate whatever it is they are feeling or expressing, even if it makes no sense whatsoever to you. So - when she says she's angry and crying and says you hate her, validate her feelings - try saying things like "you are really angry aren't you?" or "you must feel so frustrated". Let her know you hear her and are trying to understand. Then divert - for my Dad we could usually divert his angry or scared times with music, putting on an episode of Lawrence Welk, or just singing a song and he'd join in. For some a good diversion is pointing out the beautiful flowers or petting the dog or offering food or taking a walk, showing her a photo or video etc. - you'll know what might work for her. Try different things till it works. (Some diversions will work sometimes and not other times!)
How else can I help? Please know that your roller coaster of feelings are normal but that doesn't change how difficult they are. You are safe here - you can vent all you need to! 1:1 counseling might be helpful too. Another great resource is Teepa Snow - she is an expert at helping people care for those with dementia. She has lots of specific techniques.
You're doing a great job and you will be ok. You can do this. You may feel alone at times but I you are not without support!
Take care,
Amy Goyer, AARP Family & Caregiving Expert
Author, Juggling Life, Work and Caregiving and
Color Your Way Content When Caring for Loved Ones