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@LorriK799543 wrote:

Thank you for your reply Jane. I feels good to know someone is listening and understands. I know I'm not the only one going through this and I wanted to get a sense of community. 

 

My mother has a few friends in the area and they come to see her but not as offten as she would like. She also has a sister not to far away and she and my uncle will come and visit her as well. Her sister is actually older than her so it can be a little hard for her to travel sometimes to come and see my mother. She has made some friends at assisted living but, like a lot of people in assisted living, they are not always up to visiting or going places. 

 

She does activites and has some things she does on her own like weeding and growing herbs. The woman who plans the activities will ask her to help out when she is up to it as well. She stays involed as much as posible. She get frustrated that she can not jump in a car and drive anywhere she wants. I understand this is an adjustment for her and I don't want her give up on doing what she can but at the same time I feel she needs to accept she can not do all the things she used to. She enjoys cooking and shopping mostly. These are things she can no longer do on her own without someone else there. She has tried other things such a crocheting and can do some hand sewing. She does not enjoy them as much. 

 

I am the sole caregiver. The rest of the family is not that involved. She would not be able to move without my help. I need a little help with the stress on my end. 

 

Lorri

 


I used to visit my father in the nursing home he lived in for the 7 years he lived after a devastating stroke. It was a right brain stroke, so his left brain still worked pretty well, and he could talk to us and remember a fair bit. But the left side of his body didn't work at all. I would visit him about once a month, driving from DC to the philadelphia suburb where the nursing home was. He would always greet me the same way, "Janie, i want to go home." And I'd be sympathetic, briefly, and then we'd talk about other things. His beloved Redskins. Good movies he'd watched, or bad ones. I'd update on his grandkids. 

 

If your mother can't move without you, then she'll stay where she is and sometimes be happy and sometimes be miserable. I had a thought. (uh oh...) What if you asked her in all sincerity, what advice she can give you now about getting older. She's your mother. But she won't be on this earth when you will be facing your own aging process. So, ask her to be a mom and give you advice. And JUST MAYBE, she'll say something about facing your limitations with grace, while fiercely maintaining your independence... Might help her to hear her own words.

 

She's lucky to have you. And it sounds like a good place. Are you able to take care of yourself? Sounds so cliched, but you are juggling a lot...

 

Jane

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Hi Lorri:  I'm sure many of the folks on this board can relate to your experiences with your mother and to the stress of being a sole caregiver.   We are listening and are here for you!

 

Does your mother have a dementia/cognitive diagnosis, still recovering from her illness, or is she experiencing general age-related forgetfulness?  I agree with Jane whole-heartedly about getting your mom's medical providers and social workers at the ALF involved.  They can be instrumental in facilitating some of the transitions that, unfortunately, may just need to happen. 

 

Has your mother done her legal planning (for example, are you her Health Care Surrogate and named Agent through a Power of Attorney)?  You may wish to consult with an attorney in your area who handles elder law matters to talk about the options available to you and your mom as you're working through these conflicts.   Guardianship may be an option at some point.  Perhaps not now, as the general idea is to not restrict people from their independence and autonomy if we don't have to, but the day may come where it's a solid choice.  It's helpful to know how these things work in advance, instead of during a time of crisis. 

 

This is a tough dynamic and difficult from the perspective of both the parent and the adult child.  It's not easy to truly understand or place ourselves in the shoes of the older adult.  There are many resources that can help when you are communicating with your mom about these issues.   One I like is the book How to Say it to Seniors.  It provides multi-generational insight and gives scripts that you can use (including about some of the topics you've brought up in your post). 

 

Please keep us posted, Lorri, and take care!

 

 

Amanda Singleton
All posts are intended to convey general information only and not to provide legal advice or opinions. The posting and viewing of the information in this community should not be construed as, and should not be relied upon for, legal or tax advice in any particular circumstance or fact situation. The information presented may not reflect the most current legal developments. An attorney should be contacted for advice on specific legal issues. Nothing written in this community is intended to create an attorney‑client relationship. An attorney-client relationship may only be established through direct attorney‑to‑client communication that is confirmed by the execution of an engagement agreement.
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Thank you for your reply Jane. I feels good to know someone is listening and understands. I know I'm not the only one going through this and I wanted to get a sense of community. 

 

My mother has a few friends in the area and they come to see her but not as offten as she would like. She also has a sister not to far away and she and my uncle will come and visit her as well. Her sister is actually older than her so it can be a little hard for her to travel sometimes to come and see my mother. She has made some friends at assisted living but, like a lot of people in assisted living, they are not always up to visiting or going places. 

 

She does activites and has some things she does on her own like weeding and growing herbs. The woman who plans the activities will ask her to help out when she is up to it as well. She stays involed as much as posible. She get frustrated that she can not jump in a car and drive anywhere she wants. I understand this is an adjustment for her and I don't want her give up on doing what she can but at the same time I feel she needs to accept she can not do all the things she used to. She enjoys cooking and shopping mostly. These are things she can no longer do on her own without someone else there. She has tried other things such a crocheting and can do some hand sewing. She does not enjoy them as much. 

 

I am the sole caregiver. The rest of the family is not that involved. She would not be able to move without my help. I need a little help with the stress on my end. 

 

Lorri

 

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@LorriK799543 wrote:

Hello,

Does anybody have any suggestions or experience dealing with a stubborn parent? My mother is 86 and is in okay health but is at the point where she can not live alone any more. Currenty she is in assisted living and hates being there because she is used to living on her own. She was very sick for a while and is getting better but she still gets very tired and forgetful. She is insisting on moving out on her own again and will not admit she needs help. She can not drive any more. She has had many fender benders. She is very angry with me because I keep telling her she can not live on her own. She said she is willing to get some help but I feel she is just saying that so she will get her way. We have had several conversations about the subject and I try to reason with her but she just says I am holding her back and she will just go ahead without me. She tells me to stop living in fear. I explain my fear is justified based on past actions. Leaving things on the stove, not eatng right, her doctors calling me and telling me she keeps forgetting her appointments, fender benders, etc. This was going on before she got very ill. She denys all of these things. I want her to be happy but also safe. I have to work full time and can not take care of her all day and no one else in my family can help. Any suggestions? 


Hi, Lori,

How much time ya got?

 

I knew of an elderly, like 93 year old, retired attorney who showed up at his office and did nothing but figured he was 'working'.  And he drove with a roll of big bills in his pocket: everytime he hit someone he'd just roll out several hundreds of dollars and pay them off. 

 

Almost no senior citizen wants to give up independence. When a bit of dementia creeps in, it's even harder because they compensate and cover up, even from themselves. "Oh I'm just tired..." 

 

The doctor can order her to stop driving and notify the DMV. You can get out of that fight right now by faxing him or her something before her next appointment and then that will be that.

 

Here's one strategy to try. Join forces with the social worker there, the activity director, etc, and work with them to engage your mother. Don't go at her head on with 'you can't live by yourself.'  Help her be happy where she is. Bring her friends (does she have any left?) to visit and have them praise the place, and her apartment. She can't move without your help, right? The rest of the family agrees with you, right?  Change the subject. Make it a non-issue.

 

Toddlers don't like to be told no. And when they fall off the tricycle or the swing, they bounce right back up. Old folks break hips. But it is also true, unfortunately, that some old folks have to fail before they learn they can't. It's a hard lesson.

 

Tell us more about her. What does she enjoy?  Sewing, bowling, old movies? If her life is richer where she is, maybe she won't fight so hard to leave.

 

What do you think?  Tell us more...

 

Jane

 

 

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Hello,

Does anybody have any suggestions or experience dealing with a stubborn parent? My mother is 86 and is in okay health but is at the point where she can not live alone any more. Currenty she is in assisted living and hates being there because she is used to living on her own. She was very sick for a while and is getting better but she still gets very tired and forgetful. She is insisting on moving out on her own again and will not admit she needs help. She can not drive any more. She has had many fender benders. She is very angry with me because I keep telling her she can not live on her own. She said she is willing to get some help but I feel she is just saying that so she will get her way. We have had several conversations about the subject and I try to reason with her but she just says I am holding her back and she will just go ahead without me. She tells me to stop living in fear. I explain my fear is justified based on past actions. Leaving things on the stove, not eatng right, her doctors calling me and telling me she keeps forgetting her appointments, fender benders, etc. This was going on before she got very ill. She denys all of these things. I want her to be happy but also safe. I have to work full time and can not take care of her all day and no one else in my family can help. Any suggestions? 

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