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Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

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Message 81 of 282

No he keeps saying HE won't be around much longer, his ex wife died in April 2016 of a ruptured hernia I am his 3rd wife

GEH
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Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

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Message 82 of 282

Hey GEH,

I'm so glad you have your wonderful dogs to comfort you. You do have your hands full otherwise. Your parents have their own struggles, his sons are young men with lots going on and a thousand miles away. You have the NAMI app, thank goodness for that. 

 

You mentioned that your husband gets depressed and says that you won't be around for much longer? is that right? You are not his first wife, i take it. I can see how he might have a history of driving people 'crazy, and away.'  I have a friend who's second husband was like that. He is currently being cared for by his 2 children, each of whom have jobs and families. His 9th wife is divorcing him so that she can avoid being brought down, financially and otherwise, by his decline. He's much older, in his 80s, and a hot mess. But with a long history of bipolar alcoholic mental illness. Enough charm to attract 9 different women to be married to him. But now that he's falling apart, it's his 2 blood kin who are taking him on. Fortunately he's a veteran and is eligible for a bunch of help. This includes placement in a facility, which is the next step unfortunately. He flushes his drugs down the toilet... sigh. His own worse enemy.

 

I hope you have friends, even just one, who can listen to you and not pass judgment, but just be a loving presence and a pleasant distraction from your daily battle. 

 

After you cry (and crying is a great catharctic activity in my own life), what helps you keep going?

 

Jane

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Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

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Message 83 of 282
Another Poem
I shed Tears
Tears of Anguish
Tears of Anger
Tears of Despair
Tears of Frustration
Tears of Outrage
Tears of Pain
Tears of Sadness
GEH
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Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

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Message 84 of 282
My husband will NEVER willingly give me conservertorship I WILL have to go to get a lawyer and go to court to do it, That is one of or part of his mental health issues CONTROL, I chalk it up to the possibility he is feeling a sense of control of his life due to his mental health and subsequent addiction/Substance abuse issues. I am biding my time because I am feeling it is only a matter of time he ends up in hospital again and that is when I will act so that I can keep him in the hospital last time he was in hospital he left against doctors wishes.
GEH
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Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

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My Husband has 2 sons in Washington State but they are in their early twenties and are just not able to be of help they are young and immature they younger one has 3 daughters the oldest of which is 3 and is struggling to cope with parent hood, my parents do not know that I am married to this man but are aware I am trying to help care for him and my mother is facing her own issues with my father who is in his eighties and showing signs of some kind of mental issue he forgets things misplaces things and swings from amgry to happy in a new york second she has her own health issue and is recovering from a broken hip so I choose not to burden her with my issues. I have searched and searched for some form of support group and there are none, I did find NAMI AIR and have the app on my cell phone so I can go there to talk sometimes when husband is sleeping good I go sit outside with my dogs Big Red (Mr Hugs) and Shorty (Mr Kissy) and just cry big red will get on his hind legs wrap his doggie arms around my neck pull my head into his chest and give me a bug huge bear hug, to which he ussually does not want to let go, then Shorty takes a turn giving me lots of wet doggie kisses so much doggie love Iam a luck lady and I tell them that and most times it helps. 

GEH
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Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

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Message 86 of 282

I recently came upon this article in the Washington Post: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/inspired-life/wp/2016/08/30/i-was-my-husbands-caregiver-as-he-wa...

 

Basically, this wife really poured heart and soul, and 7 years, into caring for her husband, first by heroically searching for a cure for his cancer, and then by caring for him as he declined and passed away. She found the clarity of purpose and nobleness of effort that I've heard other caregivers speak of.

 

I'm wondering how caring for someone with, say, dementia, is different. There are more years involved. The hope for improvement, (let alone cure) is elusive. The family dynamics are difficult: is there anyone else helping? Are there relatives who are not helping but nevertheless critical?

 

I wonder if anyone out here in aarp caregiving land feels the way this woman does and did? My hat's off to her. I do feel she is unusual, though.

 

Thoughts?

 

Jane

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Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

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Message 87 of 282

@geh66 wrote:

Thank you for your words  and there is s Nami in Dallas unfortunately I am just not able to get there and there are no other support groups in GP TX, I am concidering going for concervertorship over my husband and his financial and legal affairs, I hate to step on his independence but am concerned about drinking and liver disease my be having on his mental faculties he is already showing memory loss. 

 


Hi GEH. I'm so glad you replied!

 

The liver is an amazing organ that does regenerate. I do hope for both of your sakes' that there is recovery and improvement possible. I'm so glad to be proven wrong!

 

Have you consulted with an attorney? Have you talked to your husband about this? If he is able to CHOOSE to give you power of attorney over his finances, then all you need is power of attorney form signed by him and notarized, and the easiest place to do that is the bank where his accounts are. More than one bank if he has accounts in more than one place. Banks have notaries. Signed, notarized, done. Or, you can put your name on the accounts and make them joint. He has to sign that change on the account, also.

 

If you don't trust his recovery from alcohol drinking, then it's a whole 'nother ball game. You'd have to have 2 physicians document his lack of 'capacity' and then petition the court for guardianship. A little memory loss isn't going to do it. 

 

You've probably already figured this out. It IS complicated.

 

I wish you could get out to a group. Is there no one who can hang out with him while you're gone for a few hours? 

 

Your poem says it all. You are sad, and you cry. I'm glad you get it out. I wish for more for you, though, too. 

 

Keep writing...

 

Jane

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Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

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Message 88 of 282

Thank you so much, these days all I can think about is what will I do without him. I wrote this poem

I CRY

I cry 

For my husband

About my husband

Over my husband.

GEH
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Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

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And I have the NAMI AIR app on my phone the liver doctor believes that there is still health and life left in his liver and he could have a reasonably long life if he stays off alcohol, liver doctor believes this because husband was so severely jaundice that the liver dr believed the jaundice would be permanent husband stopped drinking 3 months and the jaundice went away liver Dr was blown away.I also am concerned about depression because husband is always saying Ill be gone soon.

GEH
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Re: Is anyone taking care of a spouse?

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Thank you for your words  and there is s Nami in Dallas unfortunately I am just not able to get there and there are no other support groups in GP TX, I am concidering going for concervertorship over my husband and his financial and legal affairs, I hate to step on his independence but am concerned about drinking and liver disease my be having on his mental faculties he is already showing memory loss. 

 

GEH
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