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New here, in some trouble

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I don't know what I'm looking for here -- maybe just a place to write what I feel.  I'm 61, and I've had pretty severe depression and massive anxiety since childhood.  My whole life has been limited by my inability to cope with stresses that are normal to most people, and I'm on disability for memory and focus problems, as well as diabetes, mobility issues and several other infirmities.

 

And for the past seven years, I've been taking care of my mother, with whom I live.  She's 91 now and has dementia, but can mostly enjoy life with constant physical care and frequent reminders to help her stay oriented.  

 

But when she becomes really disoriented, she is so adamant... she cannot be reasoned with, and so I usually don't try -- but when she's determined to call a cab and go to the airport to go "back home," I have no choice but to stop her and explain gently where we are and what year it is and that the people she wants to go home to are no longer there.  I do this with all the love and patience I can muster, but it often leads to rage and threats and horrible accusations... it is becoming more than I can handle.  I often break down, and I sometimes get angry, which  is exactly what I don't want to do.  Everything is so hard, just trying to keep up with her needs and those of the cats and the house...ir's the hardest work I've ever done, and it's hitting me at the time in my life when I am weakest.  I've had to go into major debt to keep the house minimally functional, and we still desperately need some repairs.  And on top of it all, I still have to pay over $4500 on a car that won't run again without a new engine, and I have no money at all... so I've been walking everywhere for several months, and the ungodly heat of Texas in summer will soon make that impossible.

 

When I try to imagine the future, all I see is poverty, physical and emotional exhaustion, and a desperate effort to keep Mom safe and happy... and then eventually losing her, losing the house, and having only my tiny disability income to try to survive on.  And now Trump and his henchmen are plotting to eliminate that pittance, and my healthcare as well.

 

What do people do when they can't see how to go on?  Despite my many health problems, I've always managed to stay on the giving side, until these past several years -- I'm accustomed to being a resource for others. But now I feel so helpless.  It seems as if there must be an answer, some way to proceed that would keep us going, keep Mom well and happy, keep me functional enough to care for her properly...  but I don't have the experience or knowledge to figure out what to do.  I guess I'm hoping someone here has guidance for me.  Thank you for listening.

 

 

 

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