My mother doesn't care about me

[michwms]

My mother seem to not appreciate all i do to maintain our especially her well being. Her perception of me is horrible. I'm very sensitive and I try to stay focus and compassionate but someday its so difficult. If anyone has suggestions for me, I would surely would love to hear it. Thank you in advance. Michelle

[delsur]

Decades ago someone told me that the only way she had found to cope with her mother was to understand that what she wanted from her mother, her mother didn't have in her to give.  At the time, I didn't understand. 

There's even a saying for it:  You can't get blood from a stone.

Years later, I'm grateful to my co-worker for her totally unexpected admission.  I have found her solution is easier said than done - to stop wanting or expecting something that is never going to happen.  Hope you can manage it.  I haven't yet, but I'm still working on it.  

Please remember to take care of yourself right now.  And don't forget to make and keep plans for your future.  It will come knocking out of the blue and you need to be ready.

Taking care of you IS your number one job.  (Like putting the air mask on yourself first on an airplane.)  Taking care of mom needs to take 2nd place.  

If you care well for yourself, knowing deep down that you are worthy and deserving -- and you ARE -- you can get by without a loved one's caring about you, even if it never quite stops hurting, even when it surprises you again and again.  They are not the center of your life, you are.

[SusanneP780754]

My GMA has no clue whats involved in being a caregiver. I found if I give her negative behavior an audience she can perform. 

I walk away, tell her I understand and go in the other room to be alone.

It works and I'm more relaxed.

[JoshuaW271752]

I understand exactly how you feel. I am experiencing the exact same thing. I wish people had more concrete tips to deal with this phase. She is no longer good at caring for herself. We are both good people. I know this to be true.

[PollyH351655]

I actively sought out counseling while taking care of my Mother in the 3 years before she passed. It is a difficult time for you both. My mother was a very negative person and dealing with her anger and frustration at being in the situation she was in was at times exhausting. Know that there will be times when it is too much and you may say or do things you aren't proud of. As parents they said and did things they weren't proud of either. It's all part of the process....

[sunluvngal]

michwms wrote:
My mother seem to not appreciate all i do to maintain our especially her well being. Her perception of me is horrible. I'm very sensitive and I try to stay focus and compassionate but someday its so difficult. If anyone has suggestions for me, I would surely would love to hear it. Thank you in advance. Michelle

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Hi Michelle,

I'm so sorry you're feeling that way.  I have to say though, I don't know a Mom on the face of this earth that doesn't care about her kids.  Some have a difficult time and different ways of showing it, but I believe they still care.

I wish I had a suggestion, but having been through my own issues with my Dad many years ago I just don't. Seems to be something we have to work through ourselves. From my own experience though, hurts diminish over the years.  Take care and hang in there...I hope it gets better for you.

Be sure to take care of YOU...

[SusanneP780754]

My GMA & I co habitate. I know the feeling you have. Fear drives this as in my case, GMA feels I owe it to her to do everything. Depending on her mental state, you can talk to her. 

GMA's mental state is bad. I have come to terms with not arguing with her & not trying to get her to do things she will not do.

I let her eat what she wants, sleep when she wants. My GMA is a fall risk & I was constantly preaching to her. This prompted fights. Now I remind her if she falls, I'm not going to pick her up & hurt myself. GMA knows I'll call an ambulance and she'll end up in a hospital for a week.  

She doesn't want that and it works. She's more cautious now. 

I don't have children, but caring for an elderly family member is similar to raising a child.

Make time for yourself and don't forget to breathe. 

[meflip]

My issues were not with my parents but my siblings in the caretaking of our parents who are both gone to heaven now.  We are much more sensitive to our family members criticism, but remind yourself of all you do for your mother.  I found support through a Caregivers Support group sponsored by my County Department of Aging.  AARP has a support group I access through Facebook.  The most important thing I realized is that it is critical to have support at least emotionally (and some time off) if not hands on.  I think you've most likely heard this before, it is just as important to take care of yourself (the caretaker) as it is the ones we care for.