Solved: I'm not sure what I need to do?

BeverlyS764952 · ‎07-29-2019

My mom is 91 and lives with me. She's very alert for her age and pretty much takes care of her ADL's. The problem is that she's getting weaker, is unsteady on her feet, and now she's becoming incontenient. I'm not sure what to do? She doesn't want to do to the doctor, and I don't know if there's anything they can do. Are diapers the only answer?

I'm the youngest of 4 and the only one still working. If each of them would come over just one day a week to spend a couple of hours with her, it would be a huge help. But my siblings are too busy with their lives, and grandchildren. What are my options?

JaneCares · ‎07-31-2019

@BeverlyS764952 wrote:
My mom is 91 and lives with me. She's very alert for her age and pretty much takes care of her ADL's. The problem is that she's getting weaker, is unsteady on her feet, and now she's becoming incontenient. I'm not sure what to do? She doesn't want to do to the doctor, and I don't know if there's anything they can do. Are diapers the only answer?

I'm the youngest of 4 and the only one still working. If each of them would come over just one day a week to spend a couple of hours with her, it would be a huge help. But my siblings are too busy with their lives, and grandchildren. What are my options?

Hi Beverly!

You have lots of options, in my opinion. If you are working, who's with her during the day? She might respond to reminders, "Do you need to go to the bathroom?" Adult diapers are a good option, and i hope she won't complain about wearing them. Like most folks, she's probably having trouble holding her urine, but still knows when she needs to move her bowels. Wearing Depends surely beats doing more laundry and scrubbing the chairs.

So let me get this straight, you are the only one who works but your siblings are TOO BUSY WITH THEIR LIVES? I'm glad they have busy lives in RETIREMENT but, what the heck? How about a family meeting? Everybody take turns, people. If they hem and haw, then there's a tried and true trick: some saturday, make sure one of them is home, get mom ready, bring all the stuff she needs, and drop her off. She gave birth to them, too. Be sure to wave cheerfully as you drive off!!

Since she's unsteady on her feet, there are a number of things you can do to keep her from falling. Walk around the house and get rid of any rugs that are small and can be tripped over. Clear clutter, like piles of newspapers on the floor, or baskets full of stuff. Make clear the paths. If you want to, put grab bars where you wouldn't normally think of having them, like on a dresser. Watch where she walks and see what she grabs onto, and make that thing more steady.

You can get old walkers for free in your community, i betcha. Or get a snazzy cane, the kind that stands up on its own, and decorate it with her if she'd enjoy that.

Older folks really hate 'looking' old, and she might balk at using a cane or walker. But a broken hip is the difference between living at home and going into a nursing home. She might listen if you put it that way.

Same argument with going to a doctor. If she goes now, just for a 'well woman checkup', she can mention the incontinence, or any dizziness, etc. She might be dehydrated. She might have or get a UTI (urinary tract infection) and feel confused, which is weirdly common in older women. Going to the doctor means PRESERVING her independence.

Are any of these ideas helpful? Please write back. I'm just typing off the top of my head, but i was a geriatric care manager once, and these are the tips i used with my clients.

Thanks for writing and good luck!

Jane

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JaneCares · ‎07-31-2019

@BeverlyS764952 wrote:
My mom is 91 and lives with me. She's very alert for her age and pretty much takes care of her ADL's. The problem is that she's getting weaker, is unsteady on her feet, and now she's becoming incontenient. I'm not sure what to do? She doesn't want to do to the doctor, and I don't know if there's anything they can do. Are diapers the only answer?

I'm the youngest of 4 and the only one still working. If each of them would come over just one day a week to spend a couple of hours with her, it would be a huge help. But my siblings are too busy with their lives, and grandchildren. What are my options?

Hi Beverly!

You have lots of options, in my opinion. If you are working, who's with her during the day? She might respond to reminders, "Do you need to go to the bathroom?" Adult diapers are a good option, and i hope she won't complain about wearing them. Like most folks, she's probably having trouble holding her urine, but still knows when she needs to move her bowels. Wearing Depends surely beats doing more laundry and scrubbing the chairs.

So let me get this straight, you are the only one who works but your siblings are TOO BUSY WITH THEIR LIVES? I'm glad they have busy lives in RETIREMENT but, what the heck? How about a family meeting? Everybody take turns, people. If they hem and haw, then there's a tried and true trick: some saturday, make sure one of them is home, get mom ready, bring all the stuff she needs, and drop her off. She gave birth to them, too. Be sure to wave cheerfully as you drive off!!

Since she's unsteady on her feet, there are a number of things you can do to keep her from falling. Walk around the house and get rid of any rugs that are small and can be tripped over. Clear clutter, like piles of newspapers on the floor, or baskets full of stuff. Make clear the paths. If you want to, put grab bars where you wouldn't normally think of having them, like on a dresser. Watch where she walks and see what she grabs onto, and make that thing more steady.

You can get old walkers for free in your community, i betcha. Or get a snazzy cane, the kind that stands up on its own, and decorate it with her if she'd enjoy that.

Older folks really hate 'looking' old, and she might balk at using a cane or walker. But a broken hip is the difference between living at home and going into a nursing home. She might listen if you put it that way.

Same argument with going to a doctor. If she goes now, just for a 'well woman checkup', she can mention the incontinence, or any dizziness, etc. She might be dehydrated. She might have or get a UTI (urinary tract infection) and feel confused, which is weirdly common in older women. Going to the doctor means PRESERVING her independence.

Are any of these ideas helpful? Please write back. I'm just typing off the top of my head, but i was a geriatric care manager once, and these are the tips i used with my clients.

Thanks for writing and good luck!

Jane

BeverlyS764952 · ‎08-02-2019

Thank you...those are good suggestions.

ks97933806 · ‎07-31-2019

Jane had some good advice. My 91 year old mom lives with me, also, but she does have some mental deficits so it's almost impossible to reason with her about such things as the risk of falls. After much difficulty, and I take her to all her doctors' appointments to interpret medical speak to her and explain her to them, the doctor referred her to PT and they evaluated how her balance was. They may just recommend some PT for your mom which can be done at home to build up balance and strength. At the PT recommendation, we determined she really needs a cane indoors but has better stability outdoors with a walker. (They can help make that determination and there is actually some training for a cane to use it properly.) She disputes that less now but she did admit to a doctor recently that she does feel more stable with the walker. My mom also took a senior strength class for a while; good for socializing, too. After a while she gave it up, thinking she can use the "age " card to her advantage. I told her it's never to late to exercise and at 88 she was not the oldest one in class. I think that person was 91. I also work with the elderly as a homemaker. I had a client around 90. She used to complain (just a little) about her pain and lack of flexibility in both shoulders from assorted falls. The daughter was always after her for doing things she shouldn't. She had another fall that broke her femur and put her in rehab for a while. Then she came home and wasn't healing that well so she couldn't really put weight on that leg. The next step was wearing a bone stimulating machine wrapped around her leg 3 hours a day for 6 months! Then there was some improvement. But probably around 6 months after that she died from a stroke. But I couldn't help thinking - was all that careless action worth all the pain and aggravation she had in the last few years of her life? We are all living longer these days but I'd like to think I can have my body working properly as I age. And about the incontinence, you don't have to start with Depends. When my mother came to me she was using maxi pads but after trying some things, she seems to like Poise pads. We tried something like Depends when there was an issue of diarrhea but she's satisfied with her pads doing the job for her and she has enough anxiety about it that she does seem to take herself to the bathroom frequently. You can also protect the bed and other seats with waterproof pads to catch accidents. And caregiver support groups, live with real people, are good to share your thoughts and bring the siblings! Or they get to watch mom so you can go. Good luck!

Kathy