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Helping someone who shows signs of giving up?

Hi everyone, I'm new to caregiving, I started as caregiver for my mom after I retired early because of health problems of my own and soon became caregiver for my dad after he was taken ill. I have a sister who lived at home until recently when she moved out with her 6 year old daughter, and my daughter lives there and neither of them offers any help in caring for them. My dad is in a nursing home, he went in for rehab, now he's been in there since April and it would seem that dad has given up or feeling sorry for himself because he won't do the therapy so he can fome home. We have no men in our family and I can't lift him out of bed into a wheelchair, take him to the bathroom, put him back in the chair and put him back into bed. If he was to come home he would need 24 hour care and that would mean restraining the dogs all day. I don't know what I can do to help motivate him to want to come home. The other problem is that the insurance he has stopped paying for the therapy because he wasn't taking it and unless he gets worse or show signs of improvement they won't pay, so what can I do? I don't like nursing homes and especially that one, but what can I do?

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I feel for you.  My mom 91 lives with me.  She has AFIB, Congestive Heart Failure and COPD.  She frequently gets short of breath and has panic attacks.  From Oct. of 2017 to Dec. 23rd of @ 2017 she was in and out of the hospital and a rehab with breathing problems and an additional lung infection.  She even got a cold while in rehab. 

Every time, she goes into the hospital, the doctor reorders home health services for her.  Here in Texas you can get a CNA, a nurse and therapy to come.  They have told me that each time she goes in the hospital it requalifies her.  If your dad is a VET, I suggest you call the VA and get him on their program. It is free and you can get a lot more help for him.  If not, get in touch with Medicare and see if you can get a lift to get him in and out of the bath and bed.  You should be able to get the services I mentioned above and have the CNA to do the baths. 

The biggest problem is, these services don't come every day and don't stay more than an hour or so.  I find that I can't leave the house, because I can't leave mom home alone any more.   That is another issue, probably for both of us.   

 

AARP Expert


@Only-Child-1 wrote:

@I feel for you.  My mom 91 lives with me.  She has AFIB, Congestive Heart Failure and COPD.  She frequently gets short of breath and has panic attacks.  From Oct. of 2017 to Dec. 23rd of @ 2017 she was in and out of the hospital and a rehab with breathing problems and an additional lung infection.  She even got a cold while in rehab. 

Every time, she goes into the hospital, the doctor reorders home health services for her.  Here in Texas you can get a CNA, a nurse and therapy to come.  They have told me that each time she goes in the hospital it requalifies her.  If your dad is a VET, I suggest you call the VA and get him on their program. It is free and you can get a lot more help for him.  If not, get in touch with Medicare and see if you can get a lift to get him in and out of the bath and bed.  You should be able to get the services I mentioned above and have the CNA to do the baths. 

The biggest problem is, these services don't come every day and don't stay more than an hour or so.  I find that I can't leave the house, because I can't leave mom home alone any more.   That is another issue, probably for both of us.   

 


Hi Only Child! Great advice. It's not just Texas: Medicare is a federal program and so that home care that both your moms are eligible for comes out of national standards. Texas and every county everywhere might have additional services that you and your mom are eligible for. I used to go into Montgomery County Maryland and that county had a special Respite Services program that helped subsidize home health aides after Medicare runs out, and it was very popular. Consequently, it ran out of money every year, so i'd advise that folks apply in the first month of funding (July there.)

       Have you contacted your agency on aging? You can find it by putting your zip code into www.eldercare.gov and up pops a non profit that will advise you of options and services on the phone. 

       Are there any other family members like cousins that could give you a couple hours off on a weekend? The burden on an only child can be great. I hope you are taking care of yourself in the midst of this. Your mother is lucky to have you. 

 

Tell us more? and thanks for your wise response!

Jane

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@msNessa59 wrote:

Hi everyone, I'm new to caregiving, I started as caregiver for my mom after I retired early because of health problems of my own and soon became caregiver for my dad after he was taken ill. I have a sister who lived at home until recently when she moved out with her 6 year old daughter, and my daughter lives there and neither of them offers any help in caring for them. My dad is in a nursing home, he went in for rehab, now he's been in there since April and it would seem that dad has given up or feeling sorry for himself because he won't do the therapy so he can fome home. We have no men in our family and I can't lift him out of bed into a wheelchair, take him to the bathroom, put him back in the chair and put him back into bed. If he was to come home he would need 24 hour care and that would mean restraining the dogs all day. I don't know what I can do to help motivate him to want to come home. The other problem is that the insurance he has stopped paying for the therapy because he wasn't taking it and unless he gets worse or show signs of improvement they won't pay, so what can I do? I don't like nursing homes and especially that one, but what can I do?


Hi there,

Is it Medicare paying? Because if he isn't meeting the criteria of skilled care, then he'd have to switch to private pay? Have you talked to the discharge planner and/or the social worker at this facility. You need more information.

 

This nursing home must have a medical director. Have you talked to her or him about an antidepressant? Your dad has experienced a lot of loss; i don't know the time frame here but his wife died and now his independence is severely limited. It is normal for him to feel sad and to have difficulty adjusting, and perhaps talk therapy and medication for depression could help. 

 

Have you and the entire family sat down with an accountant or an eldercare attorney and figured out what he and his assets can afford? Perhaps, with many family members chipping in their time, and you getting trained on using a home lift which allows one person to lift a person into and out of bed/wheelchair, etc, he could come home. But i'm not hearing in your post that there is a groundswell of support, or enough willing helpers. 

 

Is he eligible for Medicaid, long term care medicaid? In some states, Medicaid pays for nursing home care and ALSO for intensive home aide support at HOME. 

 

Sounds like family meeting time, and research time: what do all of you have to work with for either nursing home care OR at home care?

 

Does this make sense? Write more?

Jane

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