Double trouble...two Mom's under one roof...is it...

l405735s · ‎06-27-2017

I have been a care giver for my mom since 2003 when my father passed away, she is 89. We have a great relationship, and have worked out any kinks that there are between us. I am married, have two teenage daughters, 17 and 18, and several animal buddies. Recently my mother-in-law has moved in with us, she is infirm and was in a wheel chair, however is not any more. I guess I am just horribly depressed. I am a teacher and most the time am with young people, now with school out, I am taking over the caregiver responsiblities for both Moms. I have 3 siblings and my husband has two, but they are not willing to take a Mom, so we are the ones which is okay, however, I feel overwhelmed. Recently, my Mom has been tippy and has fallen, once in the house, and once in the yard, the falls were about 3 weeks apart. She broke her wrist in each fall, so now she has two casts and cannot do anything for herself. I don't have a problem helping her, but she is so independent, and a horrible invalid...I just feel really alone.

l405735s · ‎06-29-2017

Thank you for answering me....I feel very alone. Well it would seem that we have options with the family, however when you say dumping ground it really hit me, we live REALLY far away from everyone else....hmmm. I feel really like a horrible person even writing this. As far as my daughters go, one moved out early and has stopped talking to me, the other is struggling through her senior year. My husband works but he is really supportive. I am afraid the rest of the family won't kick in to help, I have asked, no one is interested, especially now that mom has two broken wrists. My mother in law was in a home before, but was kicked out due to her behavior. She does help out with the rent since she moved in, which is nice of her. I just am struggling.

JaneCares · ‎06-29-2017

@l405735s wrote:
Thank you for answering me....I feel very alone. Well it would seem that we have options with the family, however when you say dumping ground it really hit me, we live REALLY far away from everyone else....hmmm. I feel really like a horrible person even writing this. As far as my daughters go, one moved out early and has stopped talking to me, the other is struggling through her senior year. My husband works but he is really supportive. I am afraid the rest of the family won't kick in to help, I have asked, no one is interested, especially now that mom has two broken wrists. My mother in law was in a home before, but was kicked out due to her behavior. She does help out with the rent since she moved in, which is nice of her. I just am struggling.

I wish you didn't feel 'horrible' writing out your feelings about thissituation. I don't know how people can be uninterested. It's not about interest. It is not optional! What if you were disabled somehow, then what? I imagine that your younger daughter is seeing how overwhelmed you are. She's entering her senior year in high school? So its pressure for applying to college, and all kinds of social drama, i bet. I'm sorry your oldest isn't talking to you. My bet is that she'll come around. Ah, adolescence.

I'm glad your husband is supportive. How does that translate into action? It's his mother.

I was once hired as a geriatric care manager to find a new placement for a real crankster of a woman who'd pissed off entire shifts at her assisted living facility. Took me a while to ascertain why she was such a bear to help. But i did, and i found her a new place, and tacked up signs everywhere, i exaggerate slighty, that said things like "Do Not Touch Mrs. ____ Without asking first. She'll probably say no!" and " Do not call Mrs. ____ HONEY or SWEETHEART." Lastly "DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BARGE INTO HER APARTMENT WITHOUT HEARING HER GIVE YOU PERMISSION THROUGH THE DOOR. UNLESS THERE'S A FIRE... OR SHE HASN'T BEEN SEEN SINCE BREAKFAST...."

If your MIL was in an assisted living place, and she got asked to leave, i'm thinking she has enough money to hire someone to assist her, take her out, bathe her, whatever she needs. I'm very glad she helps with expenses. How about hiring help? Let your husband's 2 siblings chip in.

Where is it written that you have to do everything?

Does your mother have an income? Can some of it go to helping her get going each morning? An aide for 4 hours a day to get her up and bathed, dressed and fed, and maybe out for a walk/ride/ hair appointment? Her wrists won't work for now: time to call in the replacements!!!

See where i'm going?

Jane

Jen · ‎06-29-2017

@l405735s wrote:
I have been a care giver for my mom since 2003 when my father passed away, she is 89. We have a great relationship, and have worked out any kinks that there are between us. I am married, have two teenage daughters, 17 and 18, and several animal buddies. Recently my mother-in-law has moved in with us, she is infirm and was in a wheel chair, however is not any more. I guess I am just horribly depressed. I am a teacher and most the time am with young people, now with school out, I am taking over the caregiver responsiblities for both Moms. I have 3 siblings and my husband has two, but they are not willing to take a Mom, so we are the ones which is okay, however, I feel overwhelmed. Recently, my Mom has been tippy and has fallen, once in the house, and once in the yard, the falls were about 3 weeks apart. She broke her wrist in each fall, so now she has two casts and cannot do anything for herself. I don't have a problem helping her, but she is so independent, and a horrible invalid...I just feel really alone.

I agree with Jane - you need help! NOW.

Here is a good article by our caregiving expert, Amy Goyer, on how to form your caregiving team.

Please let us know how it goes.

AARPJen
Caregiving Concierge

JaneCares · ‎06-29-2017

@l405735s wrote:
I have been a care giver for my mom since 2003 when my father passed away, she is 89. We have a great relationship, and have worked out any kinks that there are between us. I am married, have two teenage daughters, 17 and 18, and several animal buddies. Recently my mother-in-law has moved in with us, she is infirm and was in a wheel chair, however is not any more. I guess I am just horribly depressed. I am a teacher and most the time am with young people, now with school out, I am taking over the caregiver responsiblities for both Moms. I have 3 siblings and my husband has two, but they are not willing to take a Mom, so we are the ones which is okay, however, I feel overwhelmed. Recently, my Mom has been tippy and has fallen, once in the house, and once in the yard, the falls were about 3 weeks apart. She broke her wrist in each fall, so now she has two casts and cannot do anything for herself. I don't have a problem helping her, but she is so independent, and a horrible invalid...I just feel really alone.

Hey, it's not okay.

I disagree: you said, "I have 3 siblings and my husband has two, but they are not willing to take a Mom, so we are the ones which is okay, however, I feel overwhelmed." It's not okay if you are overwhelmed. Seriously not okay. Yes of course you feel overwhelmed. Good Lord.

Time for a family meeting. You are a capable caregiver, given the wonderful care you take of your own mother, and so the extended family nominates you to take care of your mother in law? I call **bleep**

1. Time to figure out why your mom is falling. Too many medications? Dizziness? Does she need to start using a walker? (When her wrists allow her to grab one?) This falling business needs to be addressed. (Great, one more thing on your to do list. But, seriously.)

2. All the siblings need to help out. Let's see, that's 5 siblings altogether. Everyone take a day. Take care of one or other mother for one day a week. Can't do that for whatever reason? Then cough up some money and hire an aide, no not you, the sibling who can't take a day. I'm serious. They do not get to sit on the sidelines and tsk tsk. They need to jump in.

3. It IS summer. Perhaps MIL (mom in law) can spend a week with the other siblings. Rotate. She'll enjoy visiting with her 3 children.

NOTHING is off the table to discuss. ALL OPTIONS should be considered. Of course you are overwhelmed and depressed. If i were you i'd also be angry. Your home is not a dumping ground

And having raised two kids into their early 20s, i know they need you, too. Now is the time to cherish them while they explore their goals, their hopes for a future, their sexuality, their life skills, before you lose them to the great wide world. They need their mommy right now.

I'm angry enough for both of us.

So write us back. Tell me i'm overreacting. I feel the injustice of your situation. You are a kind and generous person. Those qualities do not equal DOORMAT.

Please write more.

Jane