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Re: Caring for loved ones at home?

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Message 1 of 27

@jasmardavis It sounds like you are in such a tough position - I'm so sorry for the stress and heartbreak you are experiencing. @JaneCares had some very good thoughts for you, I might just add that if you don't know someone who who might help mediate a conversation, there are eldercare or family mediators who have a great deal of experience helping families mediate situations like this. You can find an eldercare mediator by contacting your state bar association, asking for a referral from the area agency on aging (AAA) - you can go to the Eldercare Locator to find your local AAA, or searching online or in the mediate.com mediator directory. 

 

Keep us posted! 

 

Take care,

Amy Goyer, AARP Family & Caregiving Expert

Author, Juggling Life, Work and Caregiving and

Color Your Way Content When Caring for Loved Ones

 

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Message 2 of 27

@jasmardavis wrote:

What about when your daughter moves her husband and son in my home , and tries to take over like its her house? Its a cruel world. I had my physical in June and I'm healthy. Dr. Said I needed to get back on track at the "Y". Im doing that now .  I had other grandchild issues so I wasn't hitting the gym. Now Im going the the gym just to stay away from argueing with my daughter. I loaned them $10,000.00 for a business adventure. Well, that was a bust or a lie just to get the money to pay for 2 MERCEDES cars. So they could move in and take my house. She wants to put me in a nurseing home. 


Wow, that's awful, @jasmardavis! Gracious!  Good for you for getting to the gym: it helps you in dozens of ways!  Meanwhile I'm wondering why your daughter thinks she can move in and take over your house? She's not on the title, is she? You still own it, right? She really has some nerve! To take your money for one purpose and then buy 2 mercedes???

 

Do you have other adult children who can come to your defense? Have a family gathering. Then everyone sit down and start talking about 'planning for the future,'  as in," so, daughter, you and your husband and son have moved in. This is temporary, right? What's your next step??"  Have the other adult children ask them what their plans are. The idea is that everyone in the room except your daughter assumes her moving in is TEMPORARY.

 

If you don't have other children or they won't get behind you to support you, is there anyone else who could mediate? Like a pastor? Your pastor? Bring him or her over for lunch some weekend day and then ask the pastor to talk to the daughter. 

 

I'd keep going to the gym, and fighting for your turf, even though it's now reduced, but its still your kitchen , your bedroom, your home.

 

tell us more? 

Jane

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Message 3 of 27

What about when your daughter moves her husband and son in my home , and tries to take over like its her house? Its a cruel world. I had my physical in June and I'm healthy. Dr. Said I needed to get back on track at the "Y". Im doing that now .  I had other grandchild issues so I wasn't hitting the gym. Now Im going the the gym just to stay away from argueing with my daughter. I loaned them $10,000.00 for a business adventure. Well, that was a bust or a lie just to get the money to pay for 2 MERCEDES cars. So they could move in and take my house. She wants to put me in a nurseing home. 

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Message 4 of 27

@JudyW66506 

 

You might try going through a VSO representative (Veteran Service Organization).

 

They are expert at muddling through all the VA paperwork and are knowledgeable about all their programs, benefits and eligibility requirements.

Their services are free unless there is some incidental which they may have to have, like a military record and then any charge is minimal.  They are NOT like accredited lawyers who work on legal matters.  VSO representatives just help you work thru and within the system - they know the paperwork, what you need and where everything to do with the claim is located.

 

Just make sure you use an Accredited one - there is a list on the VA website -

I have used the DAV (Disabled American Veterans) and the VFW (Veterans of Foreign  Wars) for Veteran Claims - there maybe some that are more specialized in claim filings for spouses and dependent - ask them.

 

VA Benefits.gov - Accredited Representatives - Veteran Service Organizations

 

I came back to add if you are trying to get '"Aid and Attendance" it is difficult if your mother is not the actual Veteran - seems they purposely make it confusing and I think the income eligibility for it floats rather than being a stationary income number.  It is much easier for the actual Veteran although no impossible for the spouse of a deceased eligible veteran.  

* * * * It's Always Something . . . Roseanne Roseannadanna
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Message 5 of 27

@JudyW66506 I can totaly understandand and empathize with your frustration! It took us a year to get my Dad's Aid and Attendance benefits set up. Here's what made all the difference for us though - his elderlaw attorney helped - really led - us through the process. There was still a lot of back and forth and they always wanted more information, but with the lawyer it was a buffer and they had a lot of experience with it and also they had contacts at the VA office they worked with regularly. Which helped. I agree with you that the the VA is dificult to work with but I have to say that I really urge you to get help and stick with it. In the end my Dad got more than $2000 a month  to help pay fo rhis care (he was a WWII and Korea veteran and he had Alzheimers). That help was crucial. The lawyer did not charge us for help (they cannot charge for that) and there are also other Veterans Service Organizations (VSOs) that can help. Click HERE is my AARP article about Veterans benefits with some links that can be helpful! 

 

The whole process with VA  health care benefits was also very arduous, and I gave up once but went back to it eventually and in the end it was 100% worth it, as we eventually got help every day with somone to come and help get Daddy out of bed, bathed, dressed etc,  plus we got addtional respite care (about 6 hours in a chunk almost every other week), and we got home-based primary care  -= which made ALL the difference, and once we were in that we got the social worker and others to come directly to the house and THEY helped us get through all of the other red tape - invaluable! 

 

So overall - I agree it's a process that shjouldn't be so hard and long. But for what it's worth, it was all completely worth it becuase the help we got (and ramps and medical equipment) were SO helpful! 

 

I hope this is encouraging for you! Let me know if I can be of help!

Take care,

Amy Goyer, AARP Family & Caregiving Expert

Author, Juggling Life, Work and Caregiving and

Color Your Way Content When Caring for Loved Ones

 

 

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Message 6 of 27

the VA is useless as far as helping people I have been working on a pension case for my mother for over a year and a half 4 times I have been misled about the paperwork that I needed to provide she's just gotten turn down again for the second time and told that I have to prove that her rent at the retirement place isn't that just rent and she needs to stay there for medical reasons originally I was told we needed a letter from her doctor stating she was not able to live alone this was what the VA employee told me that's not what I needed I needed a letter stating she had to stay in a protected environment and she had to stay where she was because of medical reasons I wasn't told this until you were turn down for the second time here's a word don't even waste your time with these people it's very clear to me that their job is to turn down everybody and drag it out as long as they can now because of this circumstance I have to bring my 91 year-old mother with dementia home with me she can no longer stay where she's been for the last two years and is entirely happy there the VA is nothing but a ton of paperwork with no reward at the end. The other time I was instructed to fax to the Lockport office the paperwork after the first time she was turned down on the fax cover letter I specifically said please call me if there's anything else you need I did not receive a phone call so I assumed which we both know what that means that everything was fine 3 months later I decided to call the VA much to my anger I found out they never received anything!!

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Message 7 of 27

Joey@2flowers wrote:

I would like to know if you are caregiving for family member are you qualified to be compensated in Georgia if the family member has Medicaid. Thank you


It is not normally that way in GA - there has to be some extenuating circumstances for this to happen.

 

This should answer your question - CCSP stands for "Community Care Service Program "

GA. Medicaid Elderly & Disabled Waiver - CCSP

 

If you think an extenuating circumstances applies, contact the Georgia  government division described in the above info.

* * * * It's Always Something . . . Roseanne Roseannadanna
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Message 8 of 27

I would like to know if you are caregiving for family member are you qualified to be compensated in Georgia if the family member has Medicaid. Thank you

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Message 9 of 27

Hey Andy,

Your posts have gotten responses of support, and it's been many months since you first wrote. I'm wondering how things are going now. Sounds like your husband and you have been trying to help your mother in law, and she was very sad, very discouraged, back in May when you described your situation. I also understand that you have your own relatives to worry about, as well. 

 

Any update for us? We all learn from each other. 

 

What i read into your posts from months ago was also some exasperation and resentment. Your mother in law was asking for more assistance, more tending to, and not doing much to help herself, and you perceived that she was acting entitled, as though she were a grumpy princess, and you two at her beck and call. 

 

Some people get depressed as they lose their independence, and becoming blind is a whopper. Doesn't mean that she has a right to treat you like a bellhop. But, there are antidepressants, there are strategies and ideas that help people adjust to the least fun aspects of aging and loss. And you need to care for YOU, and for your marriage, as you yourself get older, right? Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. 

 

Anyway, i would love to hear what's happening now. I think perhaps folks were reacting a little bit to the anger in your first post. It's okay to be angry. Help us out, and teach us all how things have evolved since May, if you choose. 

 

And all the best, regardless,

Jane

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Message 10 of 27
Hello and God Bless you for all you do for your love ones. If the person that is criticizing you and your work for your love one. They should think before they speak if they are not contributing any fund nor lending a helping hand to you should not speak out of terms. I have done care giving for years and it is not easy. It upset me to hear the thing that comes out of their mouth. Please you do you and take care of your love ones. That is a blessing all to it self. But remember one day they will get old and need someone I hope they can remember what they are saying when it comes to their term being a elder person.
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