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Re: Caring for a parent with dementia

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Message 21 of 46
Have not looked into that, but will. Thanks so much for your help, it is appreciated.
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Re: Caring for a parent with dementia

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Message 22 of 46

It's true what they say about safety in numbers, I know I feel better knowing there are others out there doing & feeling the same things I am.  Now maybe that sounds odd, but I think you will understand.  I do feel guilty when I'm not here, but know I need time away now and then. I have no siblings, so I don't have family to help, but it seems even some with siblings are in my situation also. I hope you are doing well, have a blessed holiday. 

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Re: Caring for a parent with dementia

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Message 23 of 46

I appreciate everything everyone has said, it is so helpful to know that I am not alone because it does feel that way some days.  I have not read the book "36 hours" but I am going to get ia copy as it sounds like a good read for me.  We've had a rough month but we're doing ok. Have a blessed holiday. 

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Re: Caring for a parent with dementia

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Message 24 of 46

@Mrdubious14 wrote:

After reading your post, I thought I had wrote it. Same situation here. I'm 56 and caring for my 85 yr. old mom with dementia. I do all the things you do and then some. I work full time and worry when I can't be here. I have two older siblings whom have proved themselves unreliable. At least I can sleep at night with a clear conscience.My life is not what it use to be. I have no social life and when friends call I have to pass. The past 9 years have been a bit challenging ( dad passed 2012). Dad had health issues mom had difficulty helping him so I stepped in ( moved in) to help mom. Brought us closer as a family. Wish I could say the same for my older brothers. We do what the day requires us to do. Cause we are good people and hope that someone will be there for us when we need help. Take care!


What a great name, Mr. Dubious!

And what a great son you are.

The uneven 'helping' of adult children for a needy elderly and frail parent is such an issue, so common, that i dare say it's almost universal. The cop outs by siblings are so numerous. Too busy. Can't stand to see mom like that. I'm too far away. Blah Blah Blah. It is hard to confront family members who are shirking. What have you tried?  Sometimes it helps to have a gathering (and holiday time can help). Then ask a trusted uncle or someone all the siblings respect (is there a clergy person among the cousins?) who can say, so, how are you all taking turns to help your mother? I understand Mr Dubious is doing the lion's share. Let's come up with a plan for you all to give him respite!  

 

I also want to encourage you to get help. If she can afford it, you can pay for help. An aide can help feed her dinner and wash her up and tuck her into bed from 5 to 9pm one night a week and you can go out for dinner and pick up some groceries and get home by 9. Or find out what your area provides for free by typing in your zip code into eldercare.gov. The agency it will list has social workers you could meet with, again for free (your tax dollars at work) and advise you: do you think she'd benefit from day care? Would Meals on Wheels help with nutrition and expense? Pick her brain.   If she is a veteran, there's something called Aid and Attendance which provides grants to families caring for a veteran at home.

 

Reach out. Don't be a martyr. Do be dubious. Keep sharing! What helps you?

 

Jane

 

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Re: Caring for a parent with dementia

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Message 25 of 46

After reading your post, I thought I had wrote it. Same situation here. I'm 56 and caring for my 85 yr. old mom with dementia. I do all the things you do and then some. I work full time and worry when I can't be here. I have two older siblings whom have proved themselves unreliable. At least I can sleep at night with a clear conscience.My life is not what it use to be. I have no social life and when friends call I have to pass. The past 9 years have been a bit challenging ( dad passed 2012). Dad had health issues mom had difficulty helping him so I stepped in ( moved in) to help mom. Brought us closer as a family. Wish I could say the same for my older brothers. We do what the day requires us to do. Cause we are good people and hope that someone will be there for us when we need help. Take care!

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Re: Caring for a parent with dementia

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Message 26 of 46

@nmclane wrote:

It is comforting to see the responses of all the people that are also dealing with &/or living with a loved one with dementia. It really helps to know you are not alone.  It has been extremely rough recently, mom has had back to back UTI's and she has been so confused and out of it.  I know that is how she shows symptoms of UTI now, because she has them often.  I had to reduce the caregivers to 3 days a week, the days I work, so I'm back to pretty much full time duty when I'm not at work.  I feel like she is getting to a point where she needs more care then I can give her and I am having a really hard time figuring out what to do.  I have no siblings, so the decision is mine and I am struggling with making one.  Anyway, I just needed to get that off my chest, thanks for letting me vent.... 


Vent away!

 

Have you talked to an eldercare social worker? You have free access to one when you look up the 'area agency on aging' that serves the are you live in. Www.eldercare.gov and put in your zip code. Bingo, free advice. You might find out that she's eligible for respite care through the county. Is she a Veteran? There's a lot of programs for caregivers of veterans. Is there an alzheimer's association local chapter near you? Does she have any old friends who could visit one night once a month to give you a break? 4 friends and you'd have one night off a week!!

 

Just brainstorming here. What do you think would help?

 

Jane

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Re: Caring for a parent with dementia

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Message 27 of 46

It is comforting to see the responses of all the people that are also dealing with &/or living with a loved one with dementia. It really helps to know you are not alone.  It has been extremely rough recently, mom has had back to back UTI's and she has been so confused and out of it.  I know that is how she shows symptoms of UTI now, because she has them often.  I had to reduce the caregivers to 3 days a week, the days I work, so I'm back to pretty much full time duty when I'm not at work.  I feel like she is getting to a point where she needs more care then I can give her and I am having a really hard time figuring out what to do.  I have no siblings, so the decision is mine and I am struggling with making one.  Anyway, I just needed to get that off my chest, thanks for letting me vent.... 

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Re: Caring for a parent with dementia

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Message 28 of 46

@nmclane wrote:
I can only talk to her about childhood, pretty much everything else is gone. It is really hard to watch her mentally disappear.
I blog about my experience to share and for therapy.

http://nmclane1227.blogspot.com/2015/11/a-disappearing-view.html

I like what you wrote about in this one about hiring aides: http://nmclane1227.blogspot.com/2015_08_01_archive.html  

 

Glad to hear it helps keep you sane and provides good care to your mom!

 

Jane

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Re: Caring for a parent with dementia

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Message 29 of 46
I can only talk to her about childhood, pretty much everything else is gone. It is really hard to watch her mentally disappear.
I blog about my experience to share and for therapy.

http://nmclane1227.blogspot.com/2015/11/a-disappearing-view.html
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Re: Caring for a parent with dementia

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Message 30 of 46
I have both my parents living with my husband and me. Mom is 79 and lost her hearing and Dad is 87 with Dementia. I do speak to him about when he was a kid. Surprisingly he remembers things and even tells me stories of his youth I think he would probably keep to himself if I had asked 10 years ago.
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