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Re: Caring for a parent with dementia

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Message 11 of 46
I agree! My 82 yo mother has trouble even forming comprehensive sentences but when I talk to her about her past life she's a different person & does remember.
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Re: Caring for a parent with dementia

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Message 12 of 46
Both of you just confirmed what I was feeling. My Mom is 85 years old. Her short term memory is basically gone. She does know me and my daughters and grandchildren. She is so sad about not remembering current events. She is the child now. And I'm the adult. No siblings. Just my Mom and me.
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Re: Caring for a parent with dementia

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@da2027 wrote:
Hello, I care for my 87year old mom. She is constantly packing and hiding everything. She thinks people are stealing from her all the time. So exhausting for both of us. I feel so bad for her. She is feeling so confused and frustrated. She has dementia with lewy body. Have been working with great doctors and have started her on a med that will help calm her down at night . Just wanted to vent. Thanks for all the useful information everyone!!!!! Nice to know I'm not alone. Such a sad disheartening disease.

Is haloperidol one of the drugs her doctors have prescribed? that drug will help with paranoia.

 

jane

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Re: Caring for a parent with dementia

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Message 14 of 46
Hello, I care for my 87year old mom. She is constantly packing and hiding everything. She thinks people are stealing from her all the time. So exhausting for both of us. I feel so bad for her. She is feeling so confused and frustrated. She has dementia with lewy body. Have been working with great doctors and have started her on a med that will help calm her down at night . Just wanted to vent. Thanks for all the useful information everyone!!!!! Nice to know I'm not alone. Such a sad disheartening disease.
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Re: Caring for a parent with dementia

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@sw74357207 wrote:

Hello, everyone!

I have a slightly different problem than the previous stories. My mom is 94, has dementia, and a severe anxiety/depression/panic attack kind of thing going. She only feels safe with me being at home with her. All the time. Literally. 

My daughter died almost 5 years ago, so I am raising her now 10 year old son. He has adhd and is dyslexic, so he needs me to be there for him, too. 

I have one older sibling that lives close by,  but she and my mom have "issues" (well, she and I do, too). So she doesn't come around much. I understand, but I am battling the feeling of resentment that she cannot just work through her own problems with our mom and just help. 

I feel stuck; my mom has a hard time waiting for me to get home with my grandson when I pick him up at school. She says that when she is in full panic mode,she feels as if someone might crawl in her window and kill her. I feel so bad for her! She cannot control these feelings of fear. Her geriatric psychiatrist has taken her off of her Atavan and similar meds for fear of increasing her fall risk. So she takes gabapentim, which helps a little. 

I would love to take my grandson places again. To the movies, bike riding, ice cream after school. I would also like a life of my own. But I love my mom so much; she raised me with love. I feel that I have to return the favor. 

I have (thankfully) started back into therapy. 

Thank you all so much for reading this.


Hey sw,

Goodness, that's a tough situation. So you're retired? Living on social security and savings? And you have your mother's income, however modest. And a very active 10 year old boy. You have a lot going on!

 

Has her geriatric psychiatrist tried haloperidol? Or Seroquel? Or Respirdal? There are other medications for anxiety, panic, paranoia.  I sure as heck am not a psychiatrist but as a medical social worker, i've learned that there are many options for treating her kinds of distress. And i don't mean to second guess you or the psychiatrist. Just hoping there are things that haven't been tried that will help.

 

I'm also thinking, yeah i agree, your sibling needs to pitch in. Can you go see her and talk about your need for help? everyone has issues with parents and kids. still, family helps family. 

 

does your mother trust ANYONE else? A pastor or priest? An old friend or former coworker? She needs to expand her repertoire, expand the caregiving circle. 

 

Have you tried the local mental health association? there are other families struggling with similar situations. And you are the very definition of 'sandwich generation', having to parent your grandson.

 

i'm so sorry about your loss of his mother. that pain must still be present.

 

what helps you keep going?

 

jane

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Re: Caring for a parent with dementia

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If your Mom was not a veteran, was your Dad? If your Dad was a veteran and your Mom's assets are $80,000 or less, she may be eligible to receive funds to help I paying for a caregiver. Check with your local Veteran's organization. I'll be looking further into this soon for my Mom.

Mary
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Re: Caring for a parent with dementia

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Message 17 of 46

Hello, everyone!

I have a slightly different problem than the previous stories. My mom is 94, has dementia, and a severe anxiety/depression/panic attack kind of thing going. She only feels safe with me being at home with her. All the time. Literally. 

My daughter died almost 5 years ago, so I am raising her now 10 year old son. He has adhd and is dyslexic, so he needs me to be there for him, too. 

I have one older sibling that lives close by,  but she and my mom have "issues" (well, she and I do, too). So she doesn't come around much. I understand, but I am battling the feeling of resentment that she cannot just work through her own problems with our mom and just help. 

I feel stuck; my mom has a hard time waiting for me to get home with my grandson when I pick him up at school. She says that when she is in full panic mode,she feels as if someone might crawl in her window and kill her. I feel so bad for her! She cannot control these feelings of fear. Her geriatric psychiatrist has taken her off of her Atavan and similar meds for fear of increasing her fall risk. So she takes gabapentim, which helps a little. 

I would love to take my grandson places again. To the movies, bike riding, ice cream after school. I would also like a life of my own. But I love my mom so much; she raised me with love. I feel that I have to return the favor. 

I have (thankfully) started back into therapy. 

Thank you all so much for reading this.

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Re: Caring for a parent with dementia

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Message 18 of 46
@mjhaverly wrote:

I've been reading some of the posts here and have added a book title or two to my list of anticipated reading.

 

I don't think I've seen anyone admit to this problem.  I do so with fear and trepidation but...my biggest challenge in providing extra support to my 82 year old mother with dementia is not with her behavior or personality.  

 

She has to be one of the easiest people to be around--especially for anyone but a daughter.  The painful thing is the history of our relationship doesn't include feelings of love toward her on my part.  I have no doubt that love is buried under a whole lot of junk, but because I don't have access to those feelings, I struggle to treat her as she deserves to be treated.

 

I have a fair amount of knowledge re. dementia and I've applied it when working in nursing homes with other people's mothers and fathers but what I know to say and do and what actually happens are not in sync. here in the home we share.  I'm meditating, listening to online encouragement, and have begun seeing a therapist--again.  Decades of family dynamics aren't going to change quickly, but I'm feeling pretty desperate for a change to come soon.  My insides don't feel good at all!  I don't want the stress that's my near constant companion to make me sick, nor do I want it to affect my ability to be loving and kind.

 

Any resources anyone knows of to add support?

 

Thanks,

Marilyn


I gave you a Kudos because of your candor. 

 

Here's a link to an article about caregiving for someone you dislike: http://www.aplaceformom.com/blog/10-13-14-caring-for-family-you-dislike/

 

It's amazing how people closest to you can hurt you over and over again. 

 

I think the best thing you're doing is seeing a therapist. Awesome gift to yourself. Keep going. It's worth every penny

 

My mother was very difficult, and i saw a therapist AND went to Alanon to try to stay in there with her AND keep my sanity/ detach from her corrosive hurtfulness.  She passed away 24 years ago. We did the best we could, and I have no regrets.

 

Thank you for posting. Keep writing. 

 

Jane

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Re: Caring for a parent with dementia

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Message 19 of 46

I've been reading some of the posts here and have added a book title or two to my list of anticipated reading.

 

I don't think I've seen anyone admit to this problem.  I do so with fear and trepidation but...my biggest challenge in providing extra support to my 82 year old mother with dementia is not with her behavior or personality.  

 

She has to be one of the easiest people to be around--especially for anyone but a daughter.  The painful thing is the history of our relationship doesn't include feelings of love toward her on my part.  I have no doubt that love is buried under a whole lot of junk, but because I don't have access to those feelings, I struggle to treat her as she deserves to be treated.

 

I have a fair amount of knowledge re. dementia and I've applied it when working in nursing homes with other people's mothers and fathers but what I know to say and do and what actually happens are not in sync. here in the home we share.  I'm meditating, listening to online encouragement, and have begun seeing a therapist--again.  Decades of family dynamics aren't going to change quickly, but I'm feeling pretty desperate for a change to come soon.  My insides don't feel good at all!  I don't want the stress that's my near constant companion to make me sick, nor do I want it to affect my ability to be loving and kind.

 

Any resources anyone knows of to add support?

 

Thanks,

Marilyn

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Re: Caring for a parent with dementia

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@nmclane wrote:
Have not looked into that, but will. Thanks so much for your help, it is appreciated.

Keep sharing! We learn from each other!

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