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Re: Caring for a neglectful parent

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At any time, was your mother-in-law's married to someone who served in the military?  If so, she COULD be eligible for "aide and attendance" through the VA, which would supplement or make up the difference needed to get your MOL into an assisted lliving facility.  

It can be a struggle to get qualified.  But, the local county should have a community VA office to help you through and sometimes the assisted living facility has a social worker who can help you with paperwork or putting you in touch with the right office to get things started.  

Good luck.  Hope this helps.

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Re: Caring for a neglectful parent

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Here is a good article to get started on hiring in home help. Please let us know how it all works out for you! 

Jen

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Re: Caring for a neglectful parent

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I agree with GaiL1 and JaneCares - I dont know what means you have, but if you can afford to pay for a caregiver to give you a break, it will be money very well spent, for you and your hubby's health. You guys are already over the stress limit. Even if you have to ask for a volunteer to come sit with her. The respite care can take her into the hospital for, I think a week or 2.

I know all the paperwork and understanding all the laws can be frustrating, but the sooner you get it done, the sooner your problems will get better. Write down all the tasks you need to do on a tablet, include a calendar for your meeting & phone call appointments, then break it all down into sets of tasks you can work on daily, so you dont get overwhelmed with too much at a time - your stress level will not tolerate being bombarded with too much in one day.

As one of the others mentioned, take her to a doctor, tell him the situation, because there might be something that she has not been "officially" diagnosed with, something from her medical records, that will help her to qualify for faster or additional benefits.

A few years ago, In an emergency situation, I helped a friend get his wife qualified for Medicaid and into a nice facility within 2 weeks - the thing that helped was that we brought her to her doctor , told him the problem and why it was an emergency, and he said she currently did not qualify because of a lack of a diagnosis, even though she had Alzheimers, so he looked through her medical records, found out that during a previous doctors visit, he notated that she had a symtom -less, non life threatening heart arrythmia that qualified her for Medicaid. We then took the info to a Medicaid rep, told her our issue, she worked extra fast to get her placed, and the facility was very nice. He only needed his wife to be there temporarily, due to his own health problems & surgery, but she ended up staying there permanently, because after his major surgery was over, he realised it was better for him to not be caring for her himself, it was very hard on him.

Let us know what you find out - take one step at a time, knowing this does not have to last for much longer.
Good Luck to you!

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Re: Caring for a neglectful parent

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I wish I had some answers to share with you to aid in your situation,  but I my self feel your pain. 

 

My mother has been living with my husband and I for approximately 3 years now and the lack of 

( to say the least )  motivation for anything except Jeopardy and cooking programs has become a much harder challenge then I ever expected it could be. 

 

My mom also denies not washing her hands before or after any task including using the facilities.   My life is engrossed with trying to keep my home liveable and free of germs, and if I even mention it to her, well let's just say the claws come out.  I have Crohns Disease and my immune system is very poor so keeping up cleanliness is important for my health, and mom thinks I am just being over the top about the situation.  

When we go to the Dr she is this sweet little elderly lady that agrees with everything he or she recommends and no sooner are we home and she is right back to sitting on her bottom and refusing to walk, when 30 minutes prior she told Dr that she will walk at least twice per day and would not make excuses.  

So, please know that although I can not recommend anything to aid your situation starting today I am Including you and your family in my prayers.   Also, thank you for letting me vent.  You can email me anytime if u need to vent or rant or if you just need to talk.  God bless. 

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Re: Caring for a neglectful parent

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nyadrn wrote:

GailL1 wrote:

 >>

It is never easy to care for someone whom you don't know well or perhaps even like - if they end up in your home, it is extremely hard to accept.  Remember ALL of your lives have been turned up side down.  

 

Doesn't sound like you or your husband want to the actual hands-on caregivers so if there is no money to self-pay for what might be needed, then you must spend time researching the system, seeking advice and direction from government agencies as well as an eldercare attorney to make change happen for both you and her. She can't do it on her own.

 

Good Luck - your post will probably get moved to the Caregiving board and then more folks will see it and offer more.

 

And yet another in the hundreds of posts about this type of situation where the person needing the assistance has made no plans.  But I have a question about this. What if the son and his wife would not take her in.  Refused.   What would be done?  You say it is extremely hard to accept that someone that you do not even like ends up in your home.  That does not just happen??


In this situation, the person needing care was just dropped into their laps - how this happened, I don't know.  The person that sent her to them, evidently had contact info.

 

Now if there was refusal to take her or if there was no one to take her for whatever decisions have to be made, then she would have become a ward of the state and the courts would have appointed a guardian for her, if her decision making days are over.  Pretty much like orphan children - they just get caregivers  and someone to arrange for care and monitor their situation and make decisions if needed.

 

 

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Re: Caring for a neglectful parent

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GailL1 wrote:

 >>

It is never easy to care for someone whom you don't know well or perhaps even like - if they end up in your home, it is extremely hard to accept.  Remember ALL of your lives have been turned up side down.  

 

Doesn't sound like you or your husband want to the actual hands-on caregivers so if there is no money to self-pay for what might be needed, then you must spend time researching the system, seeking advice and direction from government agencies as well as an eldercare attorney to make change happen for both you and her. She can't do it on her own.

 

Good Luck - your post will probably get moved to the Caregiving board and then more folks will see it and offer more.

 

And yet another in the hundreds of posts about this type of situation where the person needing the assistance has made no plans.  But I have a question about this. What if the son and his wife would not take her in.  Refused.   What would be done?  You say it is extremely hard to accept that someone that you do not even like ends up in your home.  That does not just happen??

Life's a Journey, not a Destination" Aerosmith
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Re: Caring for a neglectful parent

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What Gail said.

 

In addition, get some counseling for you and or your husband. I'm thinking you both would benefit from psychological help. You for your resentment and exhaustion, him for the wounds that are being opened, and also resentment, exhaustion. If neither of you are paupers, it would be worth your time to get some therapy AND hire an aide for a few hours at least once a week, to save your sanity and your health. 20 bucks an hour for a 4 hour minimum would be awesomely helpful. 

 

See the attorney, see what can be done to get on Medi-Cal. See if you can get aides to come to the home to care for her, paid for by MediCal. In addition to an elderlaw attorney, you can also type in your zip into www.eldercare.gov and see who is the agency in your area. those social workers are paid for by your tax paying money and you have a right to get their help.

 

You two need to grow a couple of spines. She maybe wants to be the center of the universe but it takes 3 to tango. Be firm. She can scream. Let her. Like a toddler throwing a tantrum, she'll stop throwing one if she doesn't get what she wants.

 

What do you think of our advice so far?  Please write back. There's a great depth of wisdom here. I've benefitted greatly myself.

 

Jane

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Re: Caring for a neglectful parent

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 I am trying to find a person in need of home care or memory unit care.  I was with a wonderful Lady for 6 years that had dementia.  I enjoy giving them a little smile..  I am having a hard time finding an individual that wants private (not business) care.  It's good for me so I can connect with the person and it's cheaper on the family.

Please let me know if  you can connect me 

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Re: Caring for a neglectful parent

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I guess she has made no provisions for herself before it got to this point.

Do you (or your husband) have her POA and/or Healthcare Directive, are you or your husband her Social Security Representative payee?  If not, have you or your husband been appointed her guardian?

These things would just make what you might have to do a little easier.

 

Some of the things which you mentioned sound like some dementia but that could also make some of her existing personality disorders stronger.  Has she seen a local doctor since arrival.  That should be a priority since they can evaluate her.  I hope that she is on traditional Medicare because if she has a Medicare Advantage plan, it will have to be changed to one in your area.

Make sure the doctor that she sees is covered by her plan.

 

 Most people don't live out their remaining years under their idea of perfect conditions.  I knew very early on that my mother and I could never live under the same roof even though I handled everything for her from afar but still in the same area - she was deaf and had a lot of mental issues.  I made changes to her life on a step basis - but I was firm in getting her to do these changes or forced it because I had guardianship - when she could no longer care for herself in her own home, I moved her to a very nice independent living senior facility.  She lived there for 12 years, then she moved to an assisted living facility and during the year that she was there, things progressed downward rapidly where her care level was pretty much 100%.  The assisted living facility told me that she had to leave there because of safety issues.  With the help of Hospice, I found a great personal care home for her remaining days.

Course, she was self-pay -

 

Working with Medicaid (Medi-Cal) throws more rules at what is available to you - eligibility and what is available.  She does not sound like she is a candidate for a nursing home but I think California Medi-Cal should have a Home and Community based care program where help will either come to your home or they may have some assisted living / personal care homes also in the mix for community based care.  Sounds like she needs somebody to take care of her personal need rather than actual medical help.  These type HCBC programs under Medicaid cover these type things as well as helping with medical care and cost.

 

It does not sound like she is far off from meeting some of the income eligibility for Medi-Cal if that is all she has in income and assets.  It might help if you and your husband asked about "spend down" - sometimes consulting an eldercare attorney helps because they know the system and what it takes to qualify.

 

Here is another website that could also offer some resources.

HHS - Eldercare Locator.gov

 

It is never easy to care for someone whom you don't know well or perhaps even like - if they end up in your home, it is extremely hard to accept.  Remember ALL of your lives have been turned up side down.  

 

Doesn't sound like you or your husband want to the actual hands-on caregivers so if there is no money to self-pay for what might be needed, then you must spend time researching the system, seeking advice and direction from government agencies as well as an eldercare attorney to make change happen for both you and her. She can't do it on her own.

 

Good Luck - your post will probably get moved to the Caregiving board and then more folks will see it and offer more.

 

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Caring for a neglectful parent

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2 months ago we were contacted by friends of my mother-in-law saying she, 89, can no longer continue living alone in her small senior apartment. It was terribly filthy and maggots found, she and apt smelled of urine. She lived out if state.  3 yrs prior we were alerted, flew there to get her. She was angry and refused.  Now her friends flew her to us. No other options as my husband is only child, as am I.

My mother-in-law, while not a bad person, has been a life-long narcissist. Never an ounce of parental love or affection was shown to my husband. Everything has always been about her. I would call her through the years to check on her. Wouldn't ask about him, his children or great grandchildren. Barely knows their names. Thinks she is special and has to be the center of everyone's attention.....thinks young men like her too! Has stories of them being polite which she misinterpreted.  Anyway, we've had her now 2 no and are losing our patience.  She has great long term memory but not short. She refuses to shower or wash hands. She says she does but dies not, rather tries to fool us. I could go on. We are confused as she seems so lucid, plays jeopardy and wheel of fortune with accuracy,  etc. But can't recall implicit health related instructions. Eating is her main focus,  sleeps a lot and watches Animal planet type shows. Refuses to watch tv in her room, nope has to watch ours in family room. So we watch ours in our room. We've told her no, by she takes over. So consistent with her narcissism.  My husband was so emotionally neglected as child. He has no affection for her, can't help it. Her being here is opening up deep wounds in his heart. I do mist all the caregiving and all her business. I'm so disgusted trying to get assistance from ANY elder organization.  Thought we were accepted on Medi Cal, but she was not, only why card and part B payment for medicare.  She was denied because she had a small life insurance policy for 3000 to a charity. Had a cash value if 2000, which disqualified her. Couldn't believe it. She had paid on it 19 yrs(foolish). I had to cancel it in order to be reconsidered.   She is low income, cannot go into assisted, self pay. Has to have medi cal...but no openings anywhere I try.

She simply must go to a Home. My husband is 71 and I, 67. We both have health/pain issues which only make our nerves worse.  We feel alone and trapped. I have reached out to organization for Respite Care. I hope they call back..and soon.

We are exhausted physically and emotionally. We are worried one if us will gave a stroke or heart attack. 

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