Are you as smart as a high-tech car? Take this quiz and test your knowledge.
Reply
Info Seeker
1
Kudos
210
Views

Re: Caregiving turn you into a different person?

210 Views
Message 1 of 6

Thank you everyone for the advice. Especially not taking the frustration s personally and taking time for myself. 

 

Jane - I moved my mom and I out of my father's house since he let it go and is up for foreclosure soon as we were gonna live without heat one winter. I pay everything in our new home except what her benefits pay for for food and then I pay for food when that runs out. She wouldn't want a home aide since she gets along just fine and I do take her to her brothers every now and then. She would at times do things specifically to get me mad like chewing obnoxiously even after all the times I tell her to knock it off and make other noises that she found and uses at the end of the night before I go to work. I've even looked into Fear.obligation.guilt because at times that is the reality. I do feel I may work too much working nights and two weekend days so perhaps I'm just less tolerable towards it but I workout almost regularly. I don't feel appreciated in some sense but maybe I am expecting too much. It just feels like both of us would find a reason to get mad at another so we depart to different areas of the house. She for the most part goes on social media talks to family does leg raises and such in her room cleans and cooks when she feels up to it. Otherwise she is homebound and she doesn't want to do rehabilitation since she went through it.

Report Inappropriate Content
1
Kudos
210
Views
Social Butterfly
0
Kudos
235
Views

Re: Caregiving turn you into a different person?

235 Views
Message 2 of 6

∙ 

♥ Shelties are not my whole life ∽ but they make my life whole ♥
Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
235
Views
AARP Expert
2
Kudos
247
Views

Re: Caregiving turn you into a different person?

247 Views
Message 3 of 6

@SamH558233 wrote:

I caregive for my mom who lost her left hand function from a stroke. I also seperated her from my father since he allowed our house to decay and forced us to leave without a working furnace in the home prior to the severe winter before I moved us.

 

I do all our shopping, her meds, cook etc. 

The one thing is she continues to push my buttons where she knows I'll get mad.

Constantly bring up things I've told her I had enough of. 

Complain about our leaving arrangement since its not as big as her brothers home.

Most recently talking more about her husband who doesn't do anything for her.

 

I am going crazy at the idea that I am the only one doing anything for her and yet she gets to complain while Im the only one working two jobs and having to hear about a father who eho doesn't do anything for her.

 

I am having anger issues and at times would push her when I had enough.

 

I am ashamed for this and I am hoping for advice on how to space myself from this all.


Hey Sam,

I know a lot of female 'Sam's' so whatever your gender, i'll just say, I am so glad you wrote. 

 

For you and for Mary, both, there is hope. You really don't have to be a martyr, and yes it is startling to learn that you can lose your cool with this woman who gave birth to you and changed your diaper. Now you know that you are capable of getting fed up, and consequently you will have more understanding and compassion for other people in the same pickle. And hopefully, some compassion for yourself. 

 

You and your mom need to look into more options. There are many, whether you are broke or wealthy. It's all about figuring out how much money she has and therefore what she is eligible for in terms of help, and what you can afford to do to hire help, or oversee help if she IS eligible for free home health assistance. First step: put her zip code into the search site, eldercare.gov, and find the agency who's sole purpose of existence is to help you and your mother. This will take work, but it will be worth it. You need to gather her income information: her social security check deposit, any pensions, any income. If you can find her tax return from 2017, that is excellent. Gather all that stuff and make an appointment. Is she eligible for long term care Medicaid?  If so, get that ball rolling. If not, is there another program, like a respite care program, that would give respite to you and care for her at a free or subsidized rate?  Are there other services she can benefit from? Is she well enough to go to adult day care even just one day per week? Meals on wheels? Transportation options?  Is she a Veteran? 

 

If she has savings, assets, money in the bank, it is time for her to spend some of this on herself. TODAY IS THE RAINY DAY, so time to tap into the rainy day fund. Hire a home health aide, maybe start with one day a week. She'll probably protest, but in so many situations, i've found that the care recipient learns to love and appreciate the aide. And so of course will you. 

 

And there's always the need to reach out to other family. They're 'too busy'?  Dress her up, gather he meds, and drop her at their door for an afternoon. 

 

What the heck, you need help. Time to get some!

 

What do you think? Please write some more and thank you for being so candid.

 

Jane

Report Inappropriate Content
2
Kudos
247
Views
Info Seeker
0
Kudos
290
Views

Re: Caregiving turn you into a different person?

290 Views
Message 4 of 6

Hi Sam,

I feel ya.

And of course she pushes your buttons - she's your mom.

I'm an only child and take care of my supersenior (92) mother. 

I can't tell her gently that I already told her something - she snaps at me that I'm lying. But if I try to be understanding and just give her the information, it's 'why didn't you tell me!' 

Basically it's no-win. I've learned that if I can't 'suck it up' and be prepared to be the incompetent child who she gets to boss, I'm better off staying home. If you're getting to the point of pushing her - you're better off staying home. 

You want her to get the message, so do I. But she's past that now. So you have to deal with the new reality, which may include you getting some free time. Because yes, having to play the incompetent child every day is indeed going to make you feel like you have lost yourself. Me too.

I know it doesn't help that other people think she's amazing - or that she is so nice to everybody else. But IT'S NOT GOING TO GET BETTER. She isn't going to 'get' what you are saying. You have to figure out how to make the best of it and, when you can't, what and when to avoid her. 

I'm in the same boat, there are good days and bad days, and it's hard not to think about the last 15 years of caregiving and waiting to be your own person again...it's not like you can stop now. I have no answer other than getting  a sense of humor about it, cutting yourself some slack about not always being there for her, find some friends, join a gym...try do so some things for yourself and if her feelings get hurt, so be it.




























'

Report Inappropriate Content
0
Kudos
290
Views
AARP Expert
2
Kudos
382
Views

Re: Caregiving turn you into a different person?

382 Views
Message 5 of 6

Dear Sam,

 

     It is clear that you are a good son and that your mother is lucky to have you in her corner--even if she doesn't say that to you. I suspect that she is frustrated with the deficits she has from her stroke and with her loss of independence and that she is taking her frustrations out on you. Is that fair, especially considering all that you are doing for her? Absolutely not. Yet this is very common in family caregiving: The people who are making the most sacrifices and doing the most work are often the same ones who become the targets for frustration.

 

     So what should you do? Try not to take your mother's complaints personally. They are more about her blowing off steam than real criticism. Down deep she does probably appreciate what you are doing for her. Secondly, I suggest you find other family members who are willing to step up and pitch in with the caregiving. (Easier said than done, I'm sure.) Third, have you considered a family caregiver support group? By attending one, you will hear others who are experiencing similar feelings and can validate your emotions. Finally, figure out what you can and can't do. Saying no to certain tasks is more than okay; it's a survival tactic.

 

     I wish you luck on this difficult journey with you Mom.--Barry J. Jacobs, Psy.D., co-author of AARP Meditations for Caregivers

Report Inappropriate Content
2
Kudos
382
Views
Highlighted
Info Seeker
2
Kudos
487
Views
5
Replies

Caregiving turn you into a different person?

487 Views
Message 6 of 6

I caregive for my mom who lost her left hand function from a stroke. I also seperated her from my father since he allowed our house to decay and forced us to leave without a working furnace in the home prior to the severe winter before I moved us.

 

I do all our shopping, her meds, cook etc. 

The one thing is she continues to push my buttons where she knows I'll get mad.

Constantly bring up things I've told her I had enough of. 

Complain about our leaving arrangement since its not as big as her brothers home.

Most recently talking more about her husband who doesn't do anything for her.

 

I am going crazy at the idea that I am the only one doing anything for her and yet she gets to complain while Im the only one working two jobs and having to hear about a father who eho doesn't do anything for her.

 

I am having anger issues and at times would push her when I had enough.

 

I am ashamed for this and I am hoping for advice on how to space myself from this all.

Report Inappropriate Content
2
Kudos
487
Views
5
Replies