AARP Online Community and Discussion Forums - Caregiving and our responsibilities

nyadrn · ‎02-03-2018

Not everyone should be a direct caregiver. Not everyone is physically, emotionally, financially or otherwise capable of sucessfully taking on this responsibility.

No one should be bullied into accepting a responsibility that they do not want and cannot provide. Each adult has the right to say yes or no. Sometimes other options must be explored.

It is the responsibility of each adult (us) to make arrangements well before we need care. To talk to our families, to determine what is possible and to make arrangments. It is not their jobs or unquestioning responsibility to take on our care. We should not assume that our children or other family members should or can, take on direct caregiving responsibilites, move to our location, give up their lives to take care of us if we have been too irresponsible to make arrangements ahead of time.

Honor your parents has inherent responsiblites for the parents as well as the children. There is no guilt or shame for any adult children to expect responsibility from their parents.

It is too easy to say it does not matter what has gone on over the course of adulthood. It does matter. If we expect love and assistance from our children and or family members then we need to provide that same love and understanding in what we are asking.

Life's a Journey, not a Destination" Aerosmith

JaneCares · ‎02-05-2018

Hey there!

Tell us how you really feel!

It would be lovely if every adult felt as you do, that it is our responsibility as adults and parents to take our own affairs and organize, plan ahead, save the exact right amount of money required for our future disabilities... Even if we don't make enough money to pay for our decline, we can make it clear to our children what we want and most especially what we don't want in terms of health care at end of life, who we want to have make decisions, etc. Just that part would be FABULOUS.

I think you are right in large part. I also feel differently: that people do have some obligation to care for a parent or other family member to our best extent, because not everyone is so organized. Or someone had a stroke early and didn't have time to put everything in place. Or your parent worked in social justice and never made much money. Or ... there are lots of circumstances that are hard to anticipate.

I'm curious where your philosophy comes from and would love to hear more. Could you list the steps that you recommend we all take? What steps have you taken?

It would be great for everyone to be responsible.

I also think it would be great if big corporations, say, Exxon, paid more taxes to fund a truly comprehensive long term care system that would fund everyone, whether they are organized and wealthy, or bat-poop crazy and poor as a homelss person. If we are human, we deserve humane care as we get less able. Don't you think?

I eagerly await your thoughts. 🙂

Jane

nyadrn · ‎02-06-2018

JaneCares wrote:
Hey there!
Tell us how you really feel!
It would be lovely if every adult felt as you do, that it is our responsibility as adults and parents to take our own affairs and organize, plan ahead, save the exact right amount of money required for our future disabilities... Even if we don't make enough money to pay for our decline, we can make it clear to our children what we want and most especially what we don't want in terms of health care at end of life, who we want to have make decisions, etc. Just that part would be FABULOUS.

I think you are right in large part. I also feel differently: that people do have some obligation to care for a parent or other family member to our best extent, because not everyone is so organized. Or someone had a stroke early and didn't have time to put everything in place. Or your parent worked in social justice and never made much money. Or ... there are lots of circumstances that are hard to anticipate.

I'm curious where your philosophy comes from and would love to hear more. Could you list the steps that you recommend we all take? What steps have you taken?

It would be great for everyone to be responsible.
I also think it would be great if big corporations, say, Exxon, paid more taxes to fund a truly comprehensive long term care system that would fund everyone, whether they are organized and wealthy, or bat-poop crazy and poor as a homelss person. If we are human, we deserve humane care as we get less able. Don't you think?

I eagerly await your thoughts. 🙂

Jane

Hi

I pretty much always say what I think. It is much easier.

My points pertain to everyone unless they are incapable in a physical or mental way in my opinion of course. What I said assumes that your wishes correspond to reality in terms of your finances and other support systems. Obviously if your wishes are impossible it is not reasonable to list them as realistic wishes from either financial or other stand points. Until you discuss your wishes with the other people needed to make them possible they are only wishes not plans. You need to know and understand the difference. You need to take a good long hard look at your options and then start the conversations. If you want to stay in your own home for instance it is only possible given certain circumstances. Your physical and or mental condition your financial situation and your potential caregiver options. Don’t make plans using resources you don’t have or that have not been committed to you. This is common sense.

To be continued. 😀.

Life's a Journey, not a Destination" Aerosmith

JaneCares · ‎02-10-2018

@nyadrn wrote:
@JaneCares wrote:
Hey there!
Tell us how you really feel!
It would be lovely if every adult felt as you do, that it is our responsibility as adults and parents to take our own affairs and organize, plan ahead, save the exact right amount of money required for our future disabilities... Even if we don't make enough money to pay for our decline, we can make it clear to our children what we want and most especially what we don't want in terms of health care at end of life, who we want to have make decisions, etc. Just that part would be FABULOUS.

I think you are right in large part. I also feel differently: that people do have some obligation to care for a parent or other family member to our best extent, because not everyone is so organized. Or someone had a stroke early and didn't have time to put everything in place. Or your parent worked in social justice and never made much money. Or ... there are lots of circumstances that are hard to anticipate.

I'm curious where your philosophy comes from and would love to hear more. Could you list the steps that you recommend we all take? What steps have you taken?

It would be great for everyone to be responsible.
I also think it would be great if big corporations, say, Exxon, paid more taxes to fund a truly comprehensive long term care system that would fund everyone, whether they are organized and wealthy, or bat-poop crazy and poor as a homelss person. If we are human, we deserve humane care as we get less able. Don't you think?

I eagerly await your thoughts. 🙂

Jane
Hi

I pretty much always say what I think. It is much easier.

My points pertain to everyone unless they are incapable in a physical or mental way in my opinion of course. What I said assumes that your wishes correspond to reality in terms of your finances and other support systems. Obviously if your wishes are impossible it is not reasonable to list them as realistic wishes from either financial or other stand points. Until you discuss your wishes with the other people needed to make them possible they are only wishes not plans. You need to know and understand the difference. You need to take a good long hard look at your options and then start the conversations. If you want to stay in your own home for instance it is only possible given certain circumstances. Your physical and or mental condition your financial situation and your potential caregiver options. Don’t make plans using resources you don’t have or that have not been committed to you. This is common sense.

To be continued. 😀.

I hear you. Realistic planning and wishing is hard work, and i do wish more folks would take on the challenge. AARP has so much information and tools. There are free agencies that focus on the needs and rights of older people and offer tons of information. In my experience, i find that 'everyone wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.' We all want to live in freedom and dignity to the very last moment. But tending to the steps that need to be taken to insure that (as best as any of us can insure anything).... that work gets procrastinated upon more than just about any other.

If you feel like it, it would be a service to readers here if you shared any of the steps you've taken that you wish to share.

As for me, I have designated my partner and sister to have my health care power of attorney. I am a social worker and know the medical system pretty well, and i will apply for certain benefits as soon as i am old enough (I'm 58) if i need them. Like, if i am not with my partner for any reason, i will need subsidized housing for older people, and there are long wait lists, so if i apply as soon as i am able, i might have a shot at a one bedroom apartment by the time i need one. Otherwise, i have few assets and i plan to give most everything i own away long before the 5 year period that Medicaid looks back to provide long term care. In other words, if i figure i'll be out of funds and need Medicaid funded assistance, if i look ahead 5 years, then i need to give away the family silver now. I don't think i'm making sense but i know what i mean. 😉 I figure that i'll keep letting my two kids know what i want, and teach them to be advocates for me in whatever system i end up in. And i will hope for the best.

How about you?

Jane