Hi, my dad had a basal ganglion stroke 18 months ago, and I don't want to take him for extended periods when my mom visits California. I wouldn't mind if my parents would consent to getting in home care for Dad while I'm at work, but they expect me to find a way to leave him alone all morning and into the afternoon, ostensibly for months at a time, because they hate paying for care and are concerned that my sister could be developing post partum depression.
My sister lives in California, is an amputee, is married to a very needy man, and is very needy herself, so my parents are still in a caretaking relationship with her. They just returned from helping her out for two weeks, but she doesn't like how her in-laws are helping and needs her mom.
Ironically, they moved to my area this October in part to make it easier for my mom to stop helping my sister so much, because they resented how she treated them between crises.
The worst part of all this is that my parents have always taken for granted that my husband and I would care for them, and I want to do my duty, but I never realized that this care could become necessary while Mom and Dad were still taking care of my sister! I know she's disabled, but I am feeling very used by the way the whole family refuses to consider our needs at all.
We went through 4 years of fertility treatments to have our son, and we want to enjoy him without my grouchy, anxiety prone dad dominating every free minute for months at a time. If it's necessary, of course we'll take care of him, but this just doesn't seem to fit that definition.
I suppose my question is, how much do I really owe my parents, because they'll never be satisfied with what I do, so I have to have an inner sense of what is right. I know there will always be another crisis with my sister. The question is, when can I say that it's up to them to take care of each other first, not her?