@robinmarie05156 wrote:
I live in VT an they still live in their home dad is soon to be 90 I drive each weekend to CT to check on them. I have a brother who lives there in CT but says theres nothing I can do. Needless to say Im alone. My dads stubborn and wouldnt accept any help. Last week he was snowblowing the driveway. My dads not computer savy. My mom has a cell phone but will she call if she got lost?? I tell her please dont drive.. I love you...she says i think you love me to much?? who says that??I dont think my dad will allow anyone in the house.Ive discussed this with my mom she said Im not ready yet maybe another year.. But she doesnt remember 2 minutes ago.. and my dad is right behind her...Im scared..I live 150 miles away..watching this alone is heartwrenching im taking meds so I dont have a heartattack
There's nothing you can do? Your brother is wrong, and he has no right to abandon you AND your parents. There are several things you can do despite your mother's dementia and your father's dementia.
At the same time, i am worried about YOU. How can you take care of yourself through all of this? You sound so distressed. This is a distressing situation, but you are not going to be able to help them if you are nearly incapacitated by worry. What can you do for yourself? Do you have a therapist? A minister? Someone you trust? Some venting and unloading needs to happen. Even a best friend. I hope you are getting some support because it sounds like you really need it.
Hard as it is to think this way, 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.' Your job is to offer help to your parents, and your father's job, even if he is somewhat impaired, is to let him choose what he does. And let the chips fall where they may. I'm mixing my metaphors here, but even if Adult Protect Services swooped in and took over everything, the social workers of APS cannot force your parents to do anything. The trick, the real skill of intervention here, is to offer services in such a way that the person who needs the help isn't scared, isn't insulted, doesn't feel like his independence is being taken from him. No small task. I was a geriatric care manager, and spoke through a locked door to a paranoid client for weeks until she opened the door.
What i'm trying to say is that something will give, something will befall your father or your mother, and then you and your brother will be able to make some changes on their benefit. Your father will have a medical issue, or your mother will, and you'll have a hospital and a team, and a social worker/discharge planner to work with, and some leverage because... someone broke a hip... one of them had a heart attack (NOT YOU.)....
Before disaster truly falls, your brother and you can make an appointment with a social worker at the area agency on aging that serves your father's area. If they are in Connecticut, there's an excellent tax base there, there will be good services. Find out which agency by typing in the zip code of your folks' home into eldercare.gov and call them up. Make an appointment. Drag your brother. Find out what you can do to intervene.
1. Take care of yourself
2. Meet with your brother and go to a social worker who knows the laws and services of Connecticut.
3. Prepare and wait for the inevitable disaster.
Does this make sense? Please write back. I'm sorry it's taken me 'til saturday morning to reply, i was hoping others would have advice, but listen to me and move forward, okay? And write back.
With all sincere respect and caring for YOU,
Jane