@p221538r wrote:
Hi Demetria
my name isPatti and I live in Pennsylvania with my 93 yr young father who has dementia and doesn't think anything is wrong with him until he has a bad morning and can't get out of bed. Thank God that is only once in awhile. My father is like your mother, stubborn and doesn't want anyone helping or in the house but me. Then on a bad day he doesn't even want me here. He asks me often "why are you here"? I stopped saying "to help you, or take care of you" because I always got a smart mouth answer, so I just say " so that you can stay in your own home and keep doing the things you like to do". It is odd that he doesn't want me here, but when I go to the store or an appointment I have (I am 62 and have arthritis and osteoporosis and fibromyalgia so I have lots of dr appointments myself ). He gets mad when I have to go food shopping and could be gone 3 hours. We live in a rural area so I have to drive half he to get there. Or when I take 4 hours on a Sunday to spend time with my boyfriend which consists of helping me shop at the stop and we stop at our favorite restaurant to have an hour together. Then when I get home I get yelled at like I'm a teenager. I get lots of verbal abuse and meanness from my dad and it is difficult to take. We did have a psych nurse come out once a week for over a year but it got to friendly and all she was really doing were the vitals because he wouldn't listen to her anyway. He is the only one who is right about everything and everything. I work full time from home for my employer of almost 18 yrs. but the caretaking has taken a toll on my health physically and mentally mostly mentally. I try so hard to make him happy and entertain him he doesn't appreciate it one bit by the way I get treated. I just went on short term disability at work, I have to try and wean myself off of Cymbalta because it is giving ME memory and cognitive impairment and I am jeopardizing my job. Meanwhile I have pain all over my body and am still the caretaker and housekeeper. I have only my boyfriend who is my rock but he lives an hour away. My sister abandoned us because my dad wouldn't go move in with her and she thinks I lied to her about me moving in with dad when it was a spur of the moment think and she wouldn't listen to the real truth. Turns out she was only gold digging my dad. She hasn't called him or come around for 2 years almost. You can cry or complain to me or ask questions I will be here to listen😍 Thanks for hearing my story
Hey Patti!
There are a number of caregivers here that have harsh, ungrateful, even abusive care recipients, and your dad sounds like one. I think that you can stand up to him and cut some of that off. Takes practice, and sometimes it takes a therapist as a coach to give you ideas about how to get him to stop that behavior. Some people are always right. I am rolling my eyes. So irritating. but when you live with them, and you are dependent on each other (you care for him, you live in his house) then it really does pay to work on the quality of the interraction.
If he starts bellyaching about your taking hours to shop and (oh the nerve!) have lunch with your boyfriend, you can say, I was shopping for us both, Dad, you're welcome, and then walk out of the room, or put on earphones. You don't have to be listening to anything, although perhaps playing some nice mellow music might be great. He can shout: LISTEN TO ME and you can say, if you're nice to me. I do a lot for you and for us, i don't have to listen to mean talk.
Cut him off at the knees.
If you stop taking it he might stop dishing it out. And if he doesn't stop, stop listening. On go the headphones.
I also hope you have a good doctor.
Hooray for your supportive boyfriend, and flexible job.
I live in a rural area, too. an hour away from a grocery store. Oh the miles i'm putting on my rig.
Write some more. What are you trying? Does anything i say make sense? Thanks for sharing!
Jane
