57yo Temper tantrums post stroke

karenj151797 · ‎10-21-2017

6years ago my husband suffered a stroke which affected his executive decision making and forced him to retire at 52. The affect on the brain has caused his behavior to mirror that of a 3yo with foul language. His behavior has me hating my name, dreading coming home, wonder if or how anyone else deals with this? The man I love is no longer to think of anyone but himself and it hurts. I feel like I’m dealing with an out of control child and after 6 years an exhausted. How do others keep smiling?

DrBarryJJacobs · ‎10-23-2017

You are in rough waters. Your husband sounds quite disinhibited and unable to empathize with you. You have few options:

--You could ask his physicians to use medications to decrease his reactivity to some degree. I suspect you've already gone down this path. This is no med known to science that can replace the frontal lobes. But medications could suppress him somewhat.

--You could go into marriage therapy with a therapist fully conversant with neurological issues. Perhaps then you could focus on your patterns of interactions and identify means of shaping his behavior by attending to his appropriate behaviors and ignoring as much as possible his inappropriateness. This could ultimately improve his behavior and your relationship

--You could decide to maintain a distant stance from him, serving as a custodian for him rather than as a wife. This would not be the marriage you had or would want but would entail less emotional investment on your part and result in less disappointment.

--I hesitate to tell you but I have worked with many couples over the years dealing with frontal lobe damage whose marriages didn't survive. The well spouses simply couldn't resign themselves to lives of unending misery and loneliness. It is a very sad outcome but one that holds some hope for better.

I hope your efforts pay off to salvage some marriage worth having. Good luck.--Barry Jacobs, co-author of AARP Meditations for Caregivers

karenj151797 · ‎10-24-2017

Thank you. I’ve tried to get us into couples counseling but he doesn’t believe there is anything wrong. The last session he got up and went to the restroom and then didn’t come back. We went looking for him worried and he’s sitting in the hallway.

Meds, what med haven’t we tried. He’s currently on Zoloft he was on citalopram. Okay, I can’t spell all the meds. For a while he was on multiple antidepressants. The worst drugs was the anti seizure meds. They made him so mad and just an ass. I understand why you say marriages suffer. He’s alienated one of my daughters and grandchildren. I actually prefer if they don’t come around because he is so verbally mean to the kids. Breaks my heart. I don’t have friends come to my home. My normal is wake up to his yelling, cussing, ranting at our dogs, grandkids, my youngest daughter or the TV. If he disagrees with what’s on he doesn’t change the channel, he stands up, paces and yells. Then when I get home from work same stuff, different hour.

I’ve tried rewarding good behavior and ignoring bad. I’ve gotten to the point when I come home I sit in my chair and pretty much say and do nothing until he’s in bed. That way I can’t say or do anything to be yelled at.

Any books you can recommend?

GailL1 · ‎10-25-2017

@karenj151797

Has he ever been on a post-stroke antipsychotic med?

Haldol (haloperidol) or Risperdal ( risperidone) or something like those.

If you can get him a referral to a good neuropsychiatrist, they might be able to evaluate him for meds and/or special cogntive behavioral therapy and make things better for him and everybody else.

I am sure that these psychological changes are slowing down his rehab.

It's Always Something . . . . Roseanna Roseannadanna

JaneCares · ‎10-21-2017

@karenj151797 wrote:
6years ago my husband suffered a stroke which affected his executive decision making and forced him to retire at 52. The affect on the brain has caused his behavior to mirror that of a 3yo with foul language. His behavior has me hating my name, dreading coming home, wonder if or how anyone else deals with this? The man I love is no longer to think of anyone but himself and it hurts. I feel like I’m dealing with an out of control child and after 6 years an exhausted. How do others keep smiling?

Karen,

What do his doctors say? There are neuropsychiatrists who can take in his entire situation, give him tests both cognitive and psychological, and get to the root of why. Yeah his brain is damaged by whatever died when blood didn't get to that part of his brain, but, the brain he has left can be worked with. By medication, behavioral therapy, by occupational and speech therapy.

What have you looked into?

I hear your pain and frustration as well as your exhaustion. And i wish this hadn't happened, And i wish that you didn't have the burden on figuring out how to fix it. But there it is; tag, you're it. And now you can make a move so you don't have to suffer with this any more. Find out what can be changed about his brain.

And take care of yourself, too. Therapy? Breaks from him? How are YOU coping?

Thank you for sharing your situation. I hope others in a similar boat will respond to you. But i would not put up with this unless i knew there was absolutely no way to fix his brain. And if there IS no way to fix it so it works better (as stroke damage cannot be cured), then you can get help in therapy so you know how to train him. He can be trained. He yells at you? what do you do in response? you have choices.

what do you think about what i've said? i would desperately like you to have some hope!

jane

karenj151797 · ‎10-22-2017

Jane, thank you for responding. Yes, we have been through all the neurophysiology exams and that is how I know he is in the bottom 1% for executive decision making. He spent a year with a PhD therapist. As for his yelling I don’t accept it. I find myself scolding him like a child. His behavior has been so bad that I’ve refused going to stores with him. Inappropriate comments about others and his immediate hostile response to minor changes embarrass me and make me apologize to those around us. I go to therapy at least monthly. Thoughts and ideas are appreciated.