topic Re: Loneliness or alone-ness in Friends & Family

Loneliness or alone-ness

nelsjm — Wed, 21 Dec 2016 03:30:22 GMT

Would love to hear others thoughts on this topic...

I work full time as a nurse so I have a lot of social interaction there, but am not socially active with co-workers as very few are: 1. single and 2. over 50. I live out in the country, alone. I do not have children. And do many activities alone such as hiking, riding my motorcycle, camping.

I do not feel lonely, but I worry that I am isolating myself and may regret not being more social as I age. Particularly after I retire ( still 9 years away).I do have a few friends, but they don't live particularly close by, and I do make sure to get out with them 2 or 3 times a month. I am not religious and joining a church isn't an option for me.

What are you other single folks doing? Give me some advice! Thanks.

Jypsy Janet

Re: Loneliness or alone-ness

doglover52 — Wed, 21 Dec 2016 12:58:15 GMT

Hi Janet,I'm the only member of my family who chose to stay&live here in my hometown,Buffalo,NY because of my job,worked in local hospital as pharm tech part time for 27yrs.

Over the years,I've made friends,some of very close to me ,they are my 'Bflo family',I see them all the time,some are close 'church friends". I would be lost without them in my life.

When I was working,on my 2 days off,I would volunteer in the mornings,still continue doing it since I've been retired.I like to stay busy.

Aren't there any local clubs you could join? I think this would help you interact with others who share the same interests as you do,won't feel so isolated? Sue

Re: Loneliness or alone-ness

retiredtraveler — Thu, 22 Dec 2016 14:39:23 GMT

I can only give one anecdotal example from one of my relatives (i'm married so don't have personal experience). This is pretty much the same response doglover gave.

She ended up moving into a condo, back in a populated area. There is a local, large, health club with all kinds of classes that many seniors participate in. She has created a new circle of friends by going to the various classes. There is a group that go out together. Also, got into an art class and met some more seniors. Does volunteering at an animal shelter and met some more people.

You may have to examine where you live and make a change. I know, easy to say and I don't know anything about your background, or how difficult it might be to live in a less rural area. As I said, one example from someone I know.

Re: Loneliness or alone-ness

nelsjm — Fri, 23 Dec 2016 15:43:37 GMT

I have not totally discounted the notion of moving. I have to find the energy to do so though. Selling your home, keeping it "perfect" for the showings...packing up and moving...that takes lots of energy. I am working up to that I think and maybe needing to move closer to my sister and her family or looking at an over 55 community as another possibility.

Thank you for the story...it helps to know that others have worked through this successfully.

Re: Loneliness or alone-ness

SarahGH — Sat, 24 Dec 2016 12:42:33 GMT

Hi Janet, I can relate to your situation! I've lived on my own since the early 1980s .. about 35 years, and am happy with that arrangement. I've lived in a few suburbs in NJ, within commuting distance to NYC, where I worked. Because most of the employees were scattered, none of my work friends lived close enough to me, to socialize regularly. Before I moved to the shore, I thought my current location had more singles > 55, but 95% of the people I know are married, and even the the widows/divorcees are involved with children & grandchildren.

I'm an introvert, and am happier with a few very good friends, than a large posse of them (or "squad"). I wouldn't want to live in an isolated area though, because I do enjoy the theater, and attend a show at some regional venue about once a month. I've been involved in various organizations, but outside of their activities, there are very few who've become personal good buddies.

I like living in a single family home, rather than a development with restrictions. I would definitely consider downsizing, if I could find a place in a thriving downtown area, with everything in walking distance .. if such a place exists in NJ.

Re: Loneliness or alone-ness

nyadrn — Sat, 24 Dec 2016 12:46:06 GMT

I live close to my family and I do a lot of things with them, but like you most of my friend socializing is through work. After I retire I will look for more person involvement in volunteering. If I relocate which I may I will face the same issues as you.

Re: Loneliness or alone-ness

nelsjm — Sat, 24 Dec 2016 17:20:45 GMT

Thanks for your reply. Your situation sounds very similar to mine and reassures me that I am not such an odd ball after all!

I don't feel unhappy with my current situation, but do wonder if I can sustain it in the long run. Thanks again!

Re: Loneliness or alone-ness

nelsjm — Sat, 24 Dec 2016 17:26:31 GMT

I agree and thanks for your reply. I am currently exploring some volunteer opportunities too. It is amazing to me that even when I join groups and offer up my time, that often the leadership of the group does not take me up on the offer. Even volunteer groups are a bit clique-ey and hard to break into the inner circle. I thought that ended in high school! Apparently not.

A new group is forming in my community to support the trail system and I think I am getting in on the ground floor, so maybe I will have better opportunity to meet like minded individuals and make a difference about something I care about strongly.

Re: Loneliness or alone-ness

SarahGH — Sat, 24 Dec 2016 18:50:59 GMT

@nelsjm - Although you may click "reply" to a specific post, there's nothing automatically put into your response that identified the post or person to whom you're writing! Whenever there are multiple people posting to a thread, the best things to do if you are responding to a specific post/person, is to start with @theirname. As soon as you type the @, you'll get a drop-down list with the others participating in the discussion, and you can click on the one you want .. and don't have to worry about misspelling their screen name.

I've been involved with numerous organizations over the years, and they often don't have the best system of communications, nor are they very organized .. especially the small ones. If they have a website, responding to the "contact us" feature may not be assigned to a single person, and whoever reads it, doesn't necessarily pass the names of volunteers on to the right person. It may be worth a phone call .. or it can tell you whether you want to belong to a disorganized group or not, even if they do support a good cause. And yes, sometimes it can be very cliquish!

Re: Loneliness or alone-ness

SassiLady — Mon, 26 Dec 2016 12:38:31 GMT

@SarahGH

Oh wow! I got to this topic in a round-about way and glad now I did as this tip was great. I have been trying to figure out how to do this since they changed things, again.

I also have relocated for a second time and live in a rural area. In two years I haven't made any friends here and though I have always loved living alone I do need some social life. Alas! I don't see it happening.

Re: Loneliness or alone-ness

SarahGH — Mon, 26 Dec 2016 13:30:18 GMT

@SassiLady - I think there's a place where AARP put their tips on how to use Online Community, but it's not easy to find without searching, and I also think everything's just listed randomly, which makes it very time-consuming. 😞

Any chance you could move closer or into a town? Might be better to do it before inertia sets in.

Re: Loneliness or alone-ness

SassiLady — Mon, 26 Dec 2016 13:51:19 GMT

@SarahGH

Not an option, it's a long story, my mom would say "you made your bed, now you must lie in it". I am a 15-20 min drive to doctors, shopping etc. I pray every day that I can still drive myself and also asking Him to help me make the decision to move in with my youngest son and his wife, who have asked me. Right now I am living with my oldest and his female partner. They go their own way and I go mine. She is not sociable to me and if I had known how she was and her "issues" I would not be here. I paid for our place and put my son's name on it for reasons of making it simpler if anything happened to me. I wanted to save him the rent/mortgage as I knew it would be difficult for him financially. Now I am stuck in a situation that I cannot change, at least not immediately. I have told him that he lied to me by 'omission'. Which of course he denies. Well if he had been up front with me I would not be here now.

Right now I am dealing with a bunch of health issues and hoping they can come up with what is wrong with me soon. Perhaps then I will be able to make a decision.

Enough of my venting. How are you doing. I miss the stories so guess I need to go search them out. Thanks for your interest.

Re: Loneliness or alone-ness

SarahGH — Mon, 26 Dec 2016 15:15:57 GMT

@SassiLady - I hope that your screen name means that you're resilient, and continue to enjoy life, despite the situation you're in.

Yours isn't the first story I've heard about a parent being encouraged to move in with an adult child's family, where things didn't pan out the way they expected. When a widowed friend-of-a-friend sold her house, she gave her married child a big chunk of the money to "modify" their home, to create an suite for her. A non-driver, she moved from a walkable neighborhood in which she knew everyone after living there 40 years, to a car-required suburb, where she was alone all day while her child & their spouse worked, and her grandchildren were in school. She was expected to do the housekeeping & laundry, and then mind the spoiled children, until their parents came home.

It's an unfortunate object lesson for everyone else to note. No matter how much we love family members, and thing they respect & love us too, it's wise to run these sort of big dollar/life affecting options by an attorney .. even if it costs some money for their expertise. Getting unbiased alternatives to help us make good decisions, and having the documentation to protect us, is worth the investment!

Re: Loneliness or alone-ness

nyadrn — Sat, 31 Dec 2016 16:42:43 GMT

@SarahGH wrote:
@SassiLady - I hope that your screen name means that you're resilient, and continue to enjoy life, despite the situation you're in.

Yours isn't the first story I've heard about a parent being encouraged to move in with an adult child's family, where things didn't pan out the way they expected. When a widowed friend-of-a-friend sold her house, she gave her married child a big chunk of the money to "modify" their home, to create an suite for her. A non-driver, she moved from a walkable neighborhood in which she knew everyone after living there 40 years, to a car-required suburb, where she was alone all day while her child & their spouse worked, and her grandchildren were in school. She was expected to do the housekeeping & laundry, and then mind the spoiled children, until their parents came home.

It's an unfortunate object lesson for everyone else to note. No matter how much we love family members, and thing they respect & love us too, it's wise to run these sort of big dollar/life affecting options by an attorney .. even if it costs some money for their expertise. Getting unbiased alternatives to help us make good decisions, and having the documentation to protect us, is worth the investment!

Good points!!

Re: Loneliness or alone-ness

pvdugas — Fri, 12 May 2017 02:22:01 GMT

I can relate a little! I've been single for awhile. . I date but I enjoy living alone. I have a very full life with work and socializing with my friends. Volunteering is GREAT but it can have drawbacks as well. Once they know that you're single they think you don't have a life and your phone tends to ring a lot. You have to learn to say no sometimes. I like giving back. I've raised funds for causes, I'm a Project leader for the United Way, Find a cause that you believe in and give it your all. Someone stated breaking in sometimes be difficult. This is very true. There are cliques in volunteering but in time you'll find like-minded people who you'd enjoy away from volunteering. I wish you the best.

Re: Loneliness or alone-ness

Prosecco6247 — Fri, 12 May 2017 03:40:19 GMT

@pvdugas Welcome! It's very nice to see a new face and read a very positive and life-affirming post. I noticed you have also posted on the genealogy thread here as well. We look forward to seeing you on the other AARP discussion forums as you explore the various topics that interest you.

Please feel free to create a new topic here if you have a subject you'd like to explore with other singles.

If you'd like to respond to a particular poster, please use the @ sign and a drop-down menu will show up at the bottom of the dialogue box. It will contain the names of the members who have already posted on a thread. Highlight the name of the person you are responding to and it will show up in red...just as your name appears at the beginning of this post. This will simultaneously alert that poster that you've mentioned them in a post. That increases the chances that you will receive a response.

We hope you enjoy your conversations and the time you spend here!

Re: Loneliness or alone-ness

Calhounwoman — Fri, 12 May 2017 07:09:27 GMT

@nelsjm, Hi Jypsy Janet! As the oldest of 6, and as a teenager, it was an eye opening life lesson to experience loneliness (isolation) in a house full of people. I don't wish that kind of loneliness on anyone.

Do you plan on doing some type of volunteer nursing during retirement? Would you consider starting an annual excursion experience with like minded single nursing peers? There must be other single nurses your age at other workplaces--connect with them. Do you belong to any professional nursing organizations? Great way to meet new people with something in common; making new connections now, with a couple of people will make it easier when you do retire.

I have never married or concieved (on pupose). Since retiring a little over two years ago, I haven't had time to be lonely. As another poster mentioned, everyone seems to demand more of your time; it's as if my retirement is their retirement. "No" has become a very useful and effective recurring mantra for me.

I keep engaged by doing what I've always done: write, volunteer, travel, take courses of interest, etc. It's easy for me to meet people, but I prefer to keep my circle of confidants very small--less drama that way.

My most challenging retirement lifestyle learning curve has been to accept that my idea of what aging looks like is not in line with that of some of my family members, friends, and former peers. I have actually had to disassociate from some of them because they were simply too old in their mindset. My 60 is not my Mom's or my Grammy's. I will be "too old to be doing that" soon enough...but in my own way and my own time.

Let me know what you decide to do.

Re: Loneliness or alone-ness

Calhounwoman — Fri, 12 May 2017 07:28:11 GMT

@SassiLady,Hi, SassiLady! I just stumbled on this topic and wanted to know how are you doing.

Are able to use any senior support services in your area/community? Is AARP in your area?

Re: Loneliness or alone-ness

SarahGH — Fri, 12 May 2017 10:39:31 GMT

@Calhounwoman - I have considered going on a "volunteer vacation", but it bothers me that you live in spartan quarters, work hard at least 1/2 or 3/4 of the time you're there .. but you pay more for that "experience", than if you went on a conventional trip & stayed at a nice resort!

I've also considered going with a special interest group, like the Audubon Society, Smithsonian, or one of the classical music stations, but the price of their trips is prohibitive. They say they get special guest speakers, and get the group into places not normally open to tourists, and part of the price is a "donation" to the organization. I don't like when a "donation" is mandated like that. Oh, and they generally have a 30% extra charge for singles.

Re: Loneliness or alone-ness

SassiLady — Fri, 12 May 2017 14:53:29 GMT

@Calhounwoman

@SarahGH

I seem to still be stuck in the same old place. Unfortunately many health issues are keeping me busy, hmm, I would rather be doing things with friends, of which I have none in this area.

I am busy seeing doctors and having tests and we have made some progress but not as much as I would want.

I am still thinking of moving in with my youngest son and his wife but want to try and get my health issues settled before I have to go changing doctors since they live 250 miles from where I am, but in the same state. I stayed with them when I first moved here and they insisted they take me everywhere they went and my dil took me every where she went when my son was at work. I should have listened to him when he told me to keep my money in the bank and use it for myself. I know that she will be there for me to drive me when I can't drive myself any longer etc. She has been great. On the other hand the one I am living with thinks I can do things when it is convenient for him to take me if I can't drive myself. Stupid, stupid son and can't believe I raised him. Certainly not like this. Forget his partner as she does not like me. She thinks I should buy things for the house to save him money and all that while she sulks and pouts like a spoiled teenager until she gets what she wants whether he can afford it or not. I also firmly believe that she was NOT raised to do any type of housework at all. I am not obsessive but on the other hand I do not like living with a slob. Sorry but I had to vent.

All in all I am surviving and keeping my sense of humor about everything. I wish my youngest had been more forceful in what he said to me and also wish that I had had more interaction on this site before I made the stupid decisions that I made. Oh well they never promised us that we would get smarter as we got older.