topic Re: A good caregiver v. a great caregiver in Ask for a Caregiving Tip

A good caregiver v. a great caregiver

AARPMichaelP — Thu, 03 Jun 2021 21:14:22 GMT

What is the difference between being a good caregiver versus being a great caregiver?

In other words, how can one separate themselves in the caregiving they provide for their loved ones?

I would love to hear some helpful tips!

Re: A good caregiver v. a great caregiver

postman29 — Thu, 03 Jun 2021 23:45:10 GMT

In my personal experience a good caregiver is someone who does only what's necessary to help a loved one. A great caregiver is someone who puts the needs of their loved ones above all else, whether it be the caregivers own physical and mental health, finances, time, or lack of support from other family members. My wife and I are great caregivers and have been for 15 years and for both of our parents. We are beaten down emotionally and financially from all of the responsibilities of caregiving but in our hearts we are strong. We would never walk away like others have so they could enjoy their lives. Our parents deserved better.

Re: A good caregiver v. a great caregiver

GailL1 — Fri, 04 Jun 2021 16:19:51 GMT

@postman29 wrote:
. . . . A great caregiver is someone who puts the needs of their loved ones above all else, whether it be the caregivers own physical and mental health, finances, time, or lack of support from other family members. My wife and I are great caregivers and have been for 15 years and for both of our parents. We are beaten down emotionally and financially from all of the responsibilities of caregiving but in our hearts we are strong. We would never walk away like others have so they could enjoy their lives. Our parents deserved better.

What about the "wants" of the person needing care?

Personally, I would NEVER WANT or EXPECT my family to give me care at some detriment to their own lives - "especially their own physical and mental health, finances, time, or lack of support from other family members.".

Maybe they can make some arrangements, even make some decisions for me if they have to and I cannot - AS LONG AS THEY UNDERSTAND MY WISHES and abide by them.

So to me, the difference in a good vs great caregiver is one that verifies that the person getting the care is not suffering, mentally or physically, and they know the wishes of the person receiving care.

IMO, Hands-on has little to do with the caliber of caregiving - it can be done expertly just by a very watchful eye.

I want my kid to have a full life of their own - she owes me nothing except carrying out my wishes if she has to take over in my decision making about care.

Re: A good caregiver v. a great caregiver

postman29 — Sun, 06 Jun 2021 16:41:28 GMT

Well good for you. Maybe some people aren't as fortunate as you are. Sometimes health issues creep up as people age and they weren't as prepared as you are. We knew our parents wishes but so did other family members but NOBODY else wanted to step up and help. Don't insult me and my wife after taking care of my father for 11 years as he slowly faded away from alzheimers. Don't insult me and my wife for caring for her parents when they could no longer do basic things like groceries or even bathing. You also don't think you have to be hands on? Walk in our shoes before you pass your hate and judgement on my parents wishes and our dedication to keeping them happy, fed, and housed as they aged. You really shouldn't comment on something you really know nothing about. Stop responding to my posts with your hate.

Re: A good caregiver v. a great caregiver

GailL1 — Mon, 07 Jun 2021 14:22:17 GMT

@postman29 wrote:
Well good for you. Maybe some people aren't as fortunate as you are. Sometimes health issues creep up as people age and they weren't as prepared as you are. We knew our parents wishes but so did other family members but NOBODY else wanted to step up and help. Don't insult me and my wife after taking care of my father for 11 years as he slowly faded away from alzheimers. Don't insult me and my wife for caring for her parents when they could no longer do basic things like groceries or even bathing. You also don't think you have to be hands on? Walk in our shoes before you pass your hate and judgement on my parents wishes and our dedication to keeping them happy, fed, and housed as they aged. You really shouldn't comment on something you really know nothing about. Stop responding to my posts with your hate.

There was no insult or criticism intended; there is no hate or judgement, nor do I see any, even implied, in my post of 06-04-2021 12:19 PM. My post is only another viewpoint to the question at hand.

My viewpoint in this matter has nothing to do with fortune. It does have a lot to do with some planning with all family members involved before any adverse condition puts the plan in play.

I do not want my family - any of them - to take it upon themselves to do any of my daily needs - their home or mine - when and if there comes such a time especially if it adversely affects their family or their own lives - my kid does not owe me anything in that respect.

Just another viewpoint to the question at hand.

Re: A good caregiver v. a great caregiver

postman29 — Mon, 07 Jun 2021 19:25:19 GMT

I will just say this. Your stressing the words NEVER WANT or EXPECT and AS LONG AS THEY UNDERSTOOD MY WISHES did not need capitalization as they looked to me that you were saying that our parents put us in this position intentionally or that we didn't understand their wishes. We know our parents didn't EXPECT or WANT us to suffer for them but unfortunately life happened the way it did, and every one of our siblings on each side UNDERSTOOD THEIR WISHES but they walked away. And as far as not being hands on, I was just giving my opinion that when you have to physically take your parents to medical appointments, fill out all of their paperwork, do their shopping, do their laundry, help them shower, clean up after their accidents, and support them emotionally with love and companionship then that's what separates a good caregiver from a great caregiver.

Re: A good caregiver v. a great caregiver

AARPRachelA — Mon, 07 Jun 2021 19:55:56 GMT

Hi all, I wanted to remind everyone that your unique experience and opinion do not invalidate another person's experience and opinion. The original responses from both @postman29 and @GailL1 are welcome and provide valuable insight from each of you through your individual lenses. Please remember that online conversations lack tone and other biological communication cues, so it can be hard to decipher another person's intention. If your feelings are negatively impacted by a user's response, please do your best to communicate those feelings using I statements rather than you statements (example: I felt hurt when you responded this way because it diminished my lived experience. framework: I felt _____ when you responded this way because _____). This will allow for productive conversation. If your statements have offended another user, please know that impact is more important than intent. Even if your intentions were good, the negative impact needs to be addressed and an apology is necessary. Sometimes, it can also be helpful to take some time away from the conversation before posting a reply in order to ground and re-center yourself. The conversations we are having here are vital and sometimes hard and heavy. I hope these suggestions will improve the online community experience for everyone 💜

Re: A good caregiver v. a great caregiver

AARPMichaelP — Mon, 07 Jun 2021 20:07:38 GMT

Very well said @AARPRachelA!