topic RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY in Leisure & Lifestyle

SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 11:04:21 GMT

Joke deleted

SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 11:04:21 GMT

Joke deleted

Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 08:13:30 GMT

Two priests are in the Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them notices that the others penis has a Nicoderm patch on it ! He commented, "I believe you are supposed to put that on your arm or shoulder. The other replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

* If you laugh, you'll go straight to hell...."

Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 10:58:37 GMT

Frank always looked on the bright side...He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstances, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank coould find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?" He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself.! "

"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse.".....

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend. "Could it have been worse?"

"Well, " replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now.!"

Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 11:00:26 GMT

Welcome Shelby ! Thanks for my smile this morning... a ring of truth to that one huh!? LOL Have a nice day.

Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 10:47:38 GMT

An 8 yr. old says to his Grandma..... "Gram, you know how to make a tissue dance?"

"No, sweetie, how do you make a tissue dance?" asked his Grandma.

To this he replied, ..."You put a little Boogey in it !"

Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 08:52:41 GMT

In Response to SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A man and wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their kids, all very successful, all agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad" gushed son number one, a surgeon. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father, the important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad." I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.: "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you all for a long time."

"You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other, but we just never found the time to get married."....

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean were bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too!"

Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

J0yce1 — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 17:32:29 GMT

Two fellows from the deep South were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and have sex with your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."

In Response to SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 10:57:27 GMT

The kids filed back into class on Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30." she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny." said the teacher.

Eventually it was little Johnny's turn (you remember him don't cha?)

The teacher held her breath.........

Little Johny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk..."$2,467," he said !

"$2,467,!" cried the teacher. "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes." said little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town." said little Johnny, "and set up a chip & dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

"They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog s *** !"

"Then I would say, "it is dog s***. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something s***** for free, and then making you pay to get the s***** tase out of your mouth.:

Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 08:29:20 GMT

In Response to Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Maxine says :

A man without a woman, is a bachelor.....

A woman without a man, is a genius!

Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 08:31:00 GMT

In Response to Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Why is it after I push one for English, I still can't understand the person on the other end???

Looking for love in all the wrong places???

J0yce1 — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 12:15:01 GMT

In Response to: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her? husband??? was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered. He whispered back, "I found the remote

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Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 14:18:33 GMT

In Response to Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

AN ARAB STUDENT SENDS AN E-MAIL TO HIS DAD.....

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here... but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB, when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train...

Your son, Nasser

The next day, Nasser gets a reply from his dad.

My dear loving son,

Twenty million US dollars has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go get yourself a train too!

Love, your Dad

Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY- " I didn't know THAT!

J0yce1 — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 15:37:40 GMT

Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they say, "A little birdie told me." Did you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. - Thus, these creatures are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short.

These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend.

This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any given question is, "Huh?" Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE.

,<)

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 10:04:42 GMT

In Response to Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Twelve Itailan priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, nude model danced before them....

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction..

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests, until she got to the final priest, Carlos.... Poor Carlos, as she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest, and bent over to pick it up...... all the other bells started ringing !

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 10:31:20 GMT

In Response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"Their on sale, only $10. for 24 cans." he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," orders the wife. They carry on shopping....

A few aisles farther on, the wife picks up a $20. jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So does the 24 cans of Miller Lite, and it's half the price."

CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 25 !

Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY..Could be a catchy tune..??

J0yce1 — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 11:43:21 GMT

During a coup attempt by a number of rebellious nobles, King George I had a huge mahogany rack constructed to punish the leaders of the uprising. His advisers transported the rack to the upcoming battle site, at a precipice overlooking the valley containing the enemy encampment, by renting forty pachyderms and hiring an African engineer with reputed expertise in harnessing the huge beasts for productive labor.

Unfortunately, shortly after their arrival at the scene, the elephants stampeded, carrying the ramp with the African on it tumbling down the hill, rolling over the opposition, and virtually destroying it. One of the survivors painfully cried out, “What in creation was that?”

An anguished companion stammered, “I’m not sure, but it looked like a rambling rack from George’s attack and an elephant engineer.”

,<)

Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 10:40:07 GMT

In Response to Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

QUOTABLE QUOTATIONS

Sex is good, but not as good as sweet corn.

Garrison Keillor

Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 10:49:10 GMT

In Response to Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan!"

"This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.....

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.....

Then, slowly a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan, I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

BonnieC10 — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 07:14:31 GMT

In Response to Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

MAXINE SAYS:

Only on a cruise ship will you pay hundreds of dollars a day to sleep in a closet !

Most stress is caused by three things:

Money, family, and family without money.

I get my summer glow from a bottle. It says, "Zinfadel"...

Thanks to the internet, you can get hopelessly in debt without ever having to leave your house.