SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

[BonnieC10]

 Joke deleted

[dustbusterz]

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

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I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

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Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

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Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

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If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

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Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

[dustbusterz]

Always Pay Attention Otherwise…..:)) Good one

1st year students of MBBS were attending their 1st anatomy class.
They all gathered around the surgery table with a real dead dog.
The Professor started class by telling two important qualities as a Doctor.
The 1st is that NEVER BE DISGUSTED FOR ANYTHING ABOUT BODY,

e.g. He inserted his finger in dog's mouth & on drawing back tasted it in his own mouth.

Then he said them to do the same.

The students hesitated for several minutes.

But eventually everyone inserted their fingers in dog's mouth & then tasted it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said:
The most important 2nd quality is OBSERVATION,

I inserted my Middle finger but tasted the Index finger.
Now learn to pay attention.

Moral:
Life is tough but it's a lot tougher when you are not paying attention

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Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of
ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've
treated. The others all died".

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Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and
stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

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Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

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My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called
current affairs.

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BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

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BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

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GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

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GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

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Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.

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Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

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Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday

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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

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Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

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Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A real woman is a man's best friend.  This one is too funny ... LOL

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never let him down.

She will assure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do, to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room, and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.....

No wait......SORRY..

I'm thinking of Bourbon, It's Bourbon that does all that sh--.

Never mind.......

[dustbusterz]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

4,5,6    ha ha this is great . 

 Thanks for sharing

[BonnieC10]

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by dustbusterz

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution...When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.     

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say "99".

The old guy obeys and says, "99".

The pretty doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, "99".

Again, the old guy says, "99".

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly, I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say. "99".

The old guy begins, "One....Two....Three..."

[dustbusterz]

One-liners from Hollywood Squares

If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and its comics, these tidbits may bring tears of joy to your eyes!

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

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Marriage Problems

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."

[dustbusterz]

Fishing

A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout. The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret.

The successful fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and observe. So the next morning the two met at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see how it was done.

Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to surface.

Sam took out a net and started scooping them up. Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam.

"You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying every fine there is in the book!"

Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"