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Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,588
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2561 of 2,582 (3,175 Views)

When you think of it, God has to be the best inventor of all time.... He took a rib from Adam and made a loud speaker...   

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,588
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2562 of 2,582 (3,200 Views)

                            PONDERISMS

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire??????

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal !!!

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing....

There are two kinds of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle???

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

If corn oil is made of from, and vegetable oil is made of vegetables, then what is baby oil made from??

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,588
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2563 of 2,582 (3,245 Views)

In Response to Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

MAXINE SAYS:

Only on a cruise ship will you pay hundreds of dollars a day to sleep in a closet ! 

 

Most stress is caused by three things:

Money, family, and family without money. 

 

I get my summer glow from a bottle. It says, "Zinfadel"...    

 

Thanks to the internet, you can get hopelessly in debt without ever having to leave your house. 

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,588
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2564 of 2,582 (3,301 Views)

In Response to Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan!"

"This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.....

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.....

Then, slowly a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan, I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.    

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,588
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2565 of 2,582 (3,333 Views)

In Response to Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

               QUOTABLE QUOTATIONS

Sex is good, but not as good as sweet corn.

Garrison Keillor

Gold Conversationalist
Posts: 60
Registered: ‎01-26-2008

Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY..Could be a catchy tune..??

Message 2566 of 2,582 (3,388 Views)

 

During a coup attempt by a number of rebellious nobles, King George I had a huge mahogany rack constructed to punish the leaders of the uprising. His advisers transported the rack to the upcoming battle site, at a precipice overlooking the valley containing the enemy encampment, by renting forty pachyderms and hiring an African engineer with reputed expertise in harnessing the huge beasts for productive labor.

 

Unfortunately, shortly after their arrival at the scene, the elephants stampeded, carrying the ramp with the African on it tumbling down the hill, rolling over the opposition, and virtually destroying it. One of the survivors painfully cried out, “What in creation was that?”

 

An anguished companion stammered, “I’m not sure, but it looked like a rambling rack from George’s attack and an elephant engineer.”

 

,<)

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,588
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2567 of 2,582 (3,406 Views)

In Response to Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"Their on sale, only $10. for 24 cans." he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them," orders the wife. They carry on shopping....

A few aisles farther on, the wife picks up a $20. jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So does the 24 cans of Miller Lite, and it's half the price."

CLEAN-UP IN AISLE 25 !   

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,588
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2568 of 2,582 (3,428 Views)

In Response to Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Twelve Itailan priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, nude model danced before them....

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction..

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests, until she got to the final priest, Carlos.... Poor Carlos, as she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest, and bent over to pick it up......   all the other bells started ringing !   

Gold Conversationalist
Posts: 60
Registered: ‎01-26-2008

Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY- " I didn't know THAT!

Message 2569 of 2,582 (3,432 Views)
Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they say, "A little birdie told me." Did you know they probably aren't lying?  It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. - Thus, these creatures are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short.

These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend.

This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any given question is, "Huh?" Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE.

,<)
Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,588
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

Re: Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2570 of 2,582 (3,440 Views)

In Response to Re: Re: Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

AN ARAB STUDENT SENDS AN E-MAIL TO HIS DAD.....

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here... but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB, when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train...

Your son, Nasser

The next day, Nasser gets a reply from his dad.

My dear loving son,

Twenty million US dollars has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go get yourself a train too!

Love, your Dad