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Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,624
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2561 of 2,618 (1,123 Views)

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                  MAXINE SAYS:

 

"I could start my Christmas shopping now, but what would I do Christmas Eve?"    

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,624
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2562 of 2,618 (1,141 Views)

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game....

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I pay you $500." he says. This catches the seniors' attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends an e-mail to all his smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the cash and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes up the senior and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5. and goes back to sleep.   

 

 

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,624
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2563 of 2,618 (1,141 Views)

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

The last guy I went out with had a lot in common with the tires on my car....

Bald, unbalanced, and full of hot air !         

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,624
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2564 of 2,618 (1,139 Views)

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was estatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the the last one.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch gold on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too. But since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that the last five years, I've been a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought. Then he added, "You know it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."   

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,624
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2565 of 2,618 (1,163 Views)

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 

                             VERY PUNNY

A thief broke into the local Police station and stole all the toilets and urinals...leaving no clues..

A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."     

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,624
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2566 of 2,618 (1,172 Views)

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Handle every stressful situation like a dog....

Pee on it, and walk away..      

Gold Conversationalist
Posts: 517
Registered: ‎08-24-2008

RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2567 of 2,618 (1,188 Views)

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

If you're talking about me behind my back.....

You're in a good position to kiss my a$$  !

only Bonnie could come up with this onelove it  LMBO  

Gold Conversationalist
Posts: 60
Registered: ‎01-26-2008

True Mainers.

Message 2568 of 2,618 (1,194 Views)

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Hey, Bonnie,

Hope you had great vacation..I'm not certain where you could go that would be nicer than Maine?

I spent many happy summers Falmouth, Foreside until daugher returned to Michigan.

-----

 
The train was en route from Bangor to Portland. One of Maine's typical sons was stretched across two seats in the day-coach contemplating the rugged scenery. At a small station another male boarded the coach. The passenger had the eager, inquiring eye and the long prehensile nose of a certain sub-species of the genus Yankee, of which he was a perfect specimen.

As he slumped down alongside the sprawling one, the newcomer spied in the rack above their heads a stout, smallish wooden box, heavily corded, with augur holes bored in the sides and ends of it. Speaking in a gorgeous Down-East drawl the inquisitive party put his first question:

"Nice day?"

"Yep," said the other.

"Goin' fur?"

"Portland."

"Portland, huh? - live thar?"

"No, visiting."

"That your box up thar?"

"Yep."

"Looks kind of solid?"

"Is."

"Looks kind of heavy, too?"

"Is."

"Got holes in it, I see?"

"Yep."

"Whut's the holes fur?"

"Air."

"Whut you need air fur?"

"So it can breathe."

"So whut kin breathe?"

"What's inside."

"Oh!... Well, whut is inside?"

"Mongoose."

"Mon which?"

"No, mongoose."

"Mongoose, heh?"

"Yep."

"Whut the heck is a mongoose?"

"Small East Indian animal."

"Slick?"

"No, furry."

"Tame?"

"Not very."

"Would it bite you?"

"In a minute."

"Whut you want with a critter like that?"

The pestered traveler straightened up.

"Well," he said, "I'll tell you. A mongoose is an animal that lives off reptiles - snakes, lizards, toads. I've got an uncle in Portland. Fine man, respected citizen and all that, but he's got one weakness. Drinks. When he drinks he's bothered by snakes and lizards. I'm taking the mongoose down there to eat 'em."

"Yes, but gosh! Them varmints he sees is imaginary snakes!"

"Well, this is an imaginary mongoose." (By Irvin S. Cobb)

 

--------------

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,624
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2569 of 2,618 (2,779 Views)

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

First let me thank our members, new and old for sharing your smiles with us. 

 I hope everyone is having a terrific summer. I will be away for the remainder of the week and will not be posting.  I'll catch everyone when I return. In the meantime.....

"Keep on smilin' "      

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,624
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2570 of 2,618 (2,781 Views)

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Three little ducks go into a bar.....

"Say, what's your name?" asks the bartender to the first duck.

"Huey"... replies the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?" the bartender asks.

"Great ! Lovely day, had a ball . Been in and out of puddles all day. What more could a duck want?"   

"Oh, nice!" 

"What's your name ?" he asks the second duck.

"Dewey, and I've had a great day as well. In and out of Puddles all day, what else could a duck want?"

The bartender turns to duck number three and says, "Your name must be Louie?"

"No"......   she bats her eyelashes.......

"My name is.....

Puddles.