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Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,582
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2511 of 2,574 (1,031 Views)

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

The reason a dog has so many friends..

He wags his tail instead of his tongue.

 

Character is like a tree, and reputation like a shadow.

The shadow is what we think of it, and the tree the real thing.

Abe Lincoln

 

Grandad was reminicsing about the good old days....

"When I was a lad, momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar and I'd come back with 5lbs. of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 qts. of milk, a lb. of cheese , a packet of tea and a half dozen eggs...

You can't do that now, too darn many security cameras!     

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,582
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2512 of 2,574 (1,036 Views)

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 

                                  MORE TWISTED NURSERY RHYMES

 

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the King's horses,

An all the King's men,

Had scrambled eggs

For breakfast again.    

Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle

All over the bedside clock....

The little dog laughed to see such fun,

Then died of electric shock.    

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry....

And when the boys came out to play...

He kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.    

There was a little girl, who had a little curl,

Right in the middle of her forehead....

When she was good, she was very,very good.

But when she was bad......

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.   

 

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,582
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2513 of 2,574 (1,025 Views)

In Response to Jack and Jill went up the hill by nell2

 

Hmmmmmmm..........   LOLOLOLOLOLOL  !

Gold Conversationalist
Posts: 517
Registered: ‎08-24-2008

Jack and Jill went up the hill

Message 2514 of 2,574 (1,028 Views)

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell

Jack and Jill went up the hill,to fetch a pail of water.Jack had 2 dollars but when they came back- Jill had the2 dollars, do you think they went after water.... 

 

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,582
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2515 of 2,574 (1,067 Views)

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

As we age, our sense of humor changes along with other things...I'm sure that these are not politically correct in today's world....so what !

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered,

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little ....  darling  : )

Mary had a little lamb,

Her father shot it dead,

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,

To have a little fun....

Stupid Jill forgot the pill,

And now they have a son..

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon, to the pie man, "What do you have there?"

Said the pie man to Simple Simon....

"Pies, you dumb a$$  !!  "       

 

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,582
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2516 of 2,574 (1,069 Views)

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                               AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

 

iF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

iF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES, THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

 SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES, NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND HITTING THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT, BY USING THE SINK.

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,582
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2517 of 2,574 (1,069 Views)

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                  MAXINE SAYS:

 

"I could start my Christmas shopping now, but what would I do Christmas Eve?"    

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,582
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2518 of 2,574 (1,078 Views)

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game....

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I pay you $500." he says. This catches the seniors' attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends an e-mail to all his smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the cash and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes up the senior and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5. and goes back to sleep.   

 

 

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,582
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2519 of 2,574 (1,072 Views)

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

The last guy I went out with had a lot in common with the tires on my car....

Bald, unbalanced, and full of hot air !         

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,582
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 2520 of 2,574 (1,070 Views)

In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was estatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the the last one.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch gold on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too. But since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that the last five years, I've been a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought. Then he added, "You know it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."