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Gold Conversationalist

SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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Gold Conversationalist

A kind word never broke anyone's mouth..

 

A dog owns nothing, yet is seldom dissatisfied.

 

It is better to be born lucky than rich.

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May the roads rise to meet you.

May the wind be at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face.

The rain fall soft upon your fields.

And, until we meet again...

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

 

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Gold Conversationalist

May you always have these blessings:

 

A soft breeze when summer comes,

A warm fireside in winter

And always the warm , soft smile of a friend.

 

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May you have all the happiness and luck that

your life can hold...

And at the end of your rainbows

May you find a pot of gold.

 

                   WOMEN'S RIGHTS MATTER !

 

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                                  IRISH DIPLOMACY

 

 

                     The ability to tell someone to go to Hell

                     So that they will look forward to the trip.

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Gold Conversationalist

May you be in heaven two hours before the Devil

knows you're dead.

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Gold Conversationalist

Grant me a sense of humor, Lord..

The saving grace to see a joke.

To win some happiness from life..

And pass it on to other folks.

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Mick and Paddy were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground.

 

Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy, "Jez, that look like Sean." to which Paddy replied, "No, Sean is taller than that."

 

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McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini after martini....

Each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled, with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.

 

"S'cuse me" said a customer, "What was that all about?"

 

"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

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Gold Conversationalist

A perv, a con artist and a Fascist walk into a bar......

 

Bartender says, " What'll it be Mr. President?"

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       LAISSEZ LE BON TEMPS ROULER !

 

Let the good times roll.. eat up, it's fat Tuesday !

 

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Gold Conversationalist

I wore a thong once...

Actually, I may still be wearing it

Who knows??

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Gold Conversationalist

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"

 

One child answered , "Mary."

 

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"

 

A little kid said, "Verge."

 

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

 

The kid said,....."Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary."

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A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States.

 

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education !"

 

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

 

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."   The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

 

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!"

 

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from the Middle East. I am not American ."

 

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

 

She says, " No, I'm from Africa."

 

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

 

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Three drunk men entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew they were drunk, so he started the engine and then turned it back off again and said, "You've reached your destination."

 

The 1st guy gave him money, the 2nd guy said, "Thank you", and the 3rd guy slapped him !

 

The driver was shocked and asked "What was that for?"

 

The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly go us killed!"

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"Kindness is the language

 

the blind can see...

 

and the deaf can hear."

 

 

Mark Twain

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What's the difference between illegal immigrants and ET ?

 

ET learned English, and wanted to go home.

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"I don't know how to act my age....

I've never been this age before."

 

 

Maxine

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Oldie but goodie:

 

A man was sun bathing naked at the beach,  and for the sake of civility, and to keep from geting sunburned , he placed a hat over his privates.

 

A woman walks past and says smiling, "If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat."

 

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would raise itself."      Smiley Wink

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I love waving at random people...  because for the rest of the day they're trying to figure out who the hell you were !   Smiley Happy

 

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It's been awhile since something really warmed my heart...

But just about everyday somebody makes my blood boil.

 

 

maxine

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Did you know it's against the law in Alabama to carry an icecream cone in your back pocket?

 

In olden days it was the way to make a horse follow you home..

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I was eating breakfast and having coffee with my grandaughter .  When I asked her what holiday was coming up?

She said, "President's Day".

I asked her 'What does President's Day mean?"

I thought she 'd say something about Washington, Lincoln, OBama, Bush etc....

She replied, "President's Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of BS ! 

 

Note: Hot coffee hurts when it spurts out of your nose!

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Every year in the middle of February, something wonderful and heart warming happens.

Tons of candy goes on clearance.

 

 

Maxine

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Roses are red...

Valentine's is here...

I love you more

Than I do beer !

 

 

        HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY ♥

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I was having breakfast and hot coffee with my 10 yr.old grandaughter , when I asked her," what day is tomorrow?"

 

She replied, "It's President 's Day."

 

I asked, "what does President's Day mean?"

 

I thought she might say something about Washington, Lincoln, Obama, or Bush etc.

 

She replied, "President's Day is when the President goes out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we'll have another year of BS !"

 

You know... it hurts when hot coffee spurts out of your nose...

 

Have a good day !

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                    HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO ALL !    ♥

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Channel your fears into something positive..

Remember Walt Disney was scared of mice.

 

 

 

 

The Lighter Side

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Last night I went to a concert by the Bermuda Symphony Orchestra. They played the coconuts beautifully, but the triangle kept disappearing.

 

 

 

The Lighter Side

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Those who laugh last, should do so from a safe distance.

 

 

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