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Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,533
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 91 of 2,525 (422 Views)

Two friends chatting:

 

"Oh, Estelle...it's been a horrible day. 

First my Ex was hit by a bus...

Then I lost my job as a bus driver.."   Cat Sad

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,533
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 92 of 2,525 (418 Views)

Me sobbing hysterically:   "I can't see you anymore. I'm not going to let you hurt me like that again !"

 

Trainer:                      " It was a sit up ..   You did ONE sit up !"

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,533
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 93 of 2,525 (414 Views)

How will Trump deport all of the illegal aliens?

 

Juan by Juan....

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,533
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 94 of 2,525 (396 Views)

My friend asked me what it was like to live in a house full of boys... So I peed on her bathroom floor, ate everything in her fridge, told her 800 stories about Mine Craft, farted 20 times and when she was ready to kill me, I gave her a hug and told her she was pretty.  Smiley Wink

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,533
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 95 of 2,525 (393 Views)

First, head out to your barn to select 500 of the highest quality eggs from the prize-winning chickens you've been raising, and then decorate each one with a fun variety of brightly- colored dyes made from fresh berries you picked yourself.

Take a quick trip to Switzerland to get about 250lbs. of the best chocolate and carve yourself an 8-foot Easter Bunny as a table centerpiece.

Adorn your Easter table with 1,750 fresh tulips you picked from your garden, then prepare a sumptuous 12-course Easter feast for 3,500 of your closest and dearest friends.

Then, break for lunch....

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,533
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 96 of 2,525 (381 Views)

We went to the movies the other night, and I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do as it feels a little roomier.

Just as the feature was starting, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.

Excuse me, pardon me... when she got to me I said, "Couldn't you have done that a little earlier?"

"No," she said, "The 'turn off your cell phone please' message just flashed on the screen, and mine is in the car.

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,533
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 97 of 2,525 (383 Views)

The pollen count is so high,

that

 

even the junkies are trying

 

to convert their meth back to Sudafed!

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,533
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 98 of 2,525 (383 Views)

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

 

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and , unfortunately knew instictively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

 

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

 

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized the squirrels and consecrated them as member of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

 

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue: they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,533
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 99 of 2,525 (387 Views)

An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry, walks into a pub and orders three beers.The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table alone.

 

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers, and orders three more.

 

This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times.

 

Soon the entire town is whispering about the "Man Who Orders Three Beers."

 

Finally,a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering  why you always order three beers?"

 

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

 

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers....

 

The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

 

The next day the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here would like to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother."

 

The man replies, " "You'll be happy to know my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I myself, have given up drinking for Lent."

 

 

 

Valued Social Butterfly
Posts: 3,533
Registered: ‎01-24-2008

Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Message 100 of 2,525 (385 Views)

Some call it mulit-tasking.

I call it doing something

else while I try to

remember what I was

doing in the first place !

 

 

 

 

Maxine