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SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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STRESS MANAGEMENT CONT.

 

 

7.  It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

 

8.  Never buy a car that you can't push.

 

9.  Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

 

10. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance!

 

11. Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late .

 

12. The second mouse gets the cheese.

 

13. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.Smiley Wink

 

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HAVE A WONDERFUL WEDNESDAY !!
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STRESS MANAGEMENT CONT.

 

 

 

14.   Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live...

 

15.  Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

 

16.  We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box..

 

17.  A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

 

18.  Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today..

 

19. SAVE THE EARTH... IT'S THE ONLY PLANET WITH CHOCOLATE !

 

 

 

 

                            HAVE A THRIVING THURSDAY !! Heart

 

 

 

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A man was sunbathing at the beach... For sake of civility and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

 

A woman walked by and said snickering, "If you were a man, you would lift your hat."

 

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."

 

 

 

Short summary of every Jewish holiday; They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

 

 

 

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again, that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

 

 

 

                       HAVE A FABULOUS FRIDAY !!

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A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner:.. Take it, or leave it.

 

                                      ***

 

Q.  Where does a Jewish husband hide his money from his wife?

 

A.  Under the vacuum cleaner.

 

                                     ***

 

Q. How many Jewish mothers doe it take to change a light bulb?

 

A. (sigh)  "Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

 

                                    ***

 

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in a play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of Jewish husband."

 

The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell them you want a speaking part."

 

 

                                   ***

 

 

A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday.

On the next visit, he wears the brown shirt. His mother says,

"What's the matter already?" Didn't like the blue one?"  Smiley Sad

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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HAVE A SUPER SATURDAY !
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The first cordless phone was created by God.

 

He named it 'prayer'.

 

It never loses a signal,

 

And you never have to recharge it.

 

Use it anywhere !      Heart

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YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN ...............

 

 

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

 

You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

 

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

 

You burn your yard, rather than mow it.

 

You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

 

The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

 

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

 

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

 

You can come back from the dump with more than you took.

 

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

 

 

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SAVE THE EARTH......

 

IT'S THE ONLY PLANET WITH CHOCOLATE !!

 

 

 

Hope everyone has a marvelous Monday    Smiley Tongue

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                               AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

 

iF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

iF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES, THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

 SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES, NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND HITTING THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT, BY USING THE SINK.

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

                  MAXINE SAYS:

 

"I could start my Christmas shopping now, but what would I do Christmas Eve?"    

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game....

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I pay you $500." he says. This catches the seniors' attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends an e-mail to all his smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the cash and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes up the senior and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5. and goes back to sleep.   

 

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

The last guy I went out with had a lot in common with the tires on my car....

Bald, unbalanced, and full of hot air !         

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was estatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the the last one.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch gold on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too. But since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that the last five years, I've been a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought. Then he added, "You know it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."   

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

 

                             VERY PUNNY

A thief broke into the local Police station and stole all the toilets and urinals...leaving no clues..

A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."     

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

Handle every stressful situation like a dog....

Pee on it, and walk away..      

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

If you're talking about me behind my back.....

You're in a good position to kiss my a$$  !

only Bonnie could come up with this onelove it  LMBO  

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Hey, Bonnie,

Hope you had great vacation..I'm not certain where you could go that would be nicer than Maine?

I spent many happy summers Falmouth, Foreside until daugher returned to Michigan.

-----

 
The train was en route from Bangor to Portland. One of Maine's typical sons was stretched across two seats in the day-coach contemplating the rugged scenery. At a small station another male boarded the coach. The passenger had the eager, inquiring eye and the long prehensile nose of a certain sub-species of the genus Yankee, of which he was a perfect specimen.

As he slumped down alongside the sprawling one, the newcomer spied in the rack above their heads a stout, smallish wooden box, heavily corded, with augur holes bored in the sides and ends of it. Speaking in a gorgeous Down-East drawl the inquisitive party put his first question:

"Nice day?"

"Yep," said the other.

"Goin' fur?"

"Portland."

"Portland, huh? - live thar?"

"No, visiting."

"That your box up thar?"

"Yep."

"Looks kind of solid?"

"Is."

"Looks kind of heavy, too?"

"Is."

"Got holes in it, I see?"

"Yep."

"Whut's the holes fur?"

"Air."

"Whut you need air fur?"

"So it can breathe."

"So whut kin breathe?"

"What's inside."

"Oh!... Well, whut is inside?"

"Mongoose."

"Mon which?"

"No, mongoose."

"Mongoose, heh?"

"Yep."

"Whut the heck is a mongoose?"

"Small East Indian animal."

"Slick?"

"No, furry."

"Tame?"

"Not very."

"Would it bite you?"

"In a minute."

"Whut you want with a critter like that?"

The pestered traveler straightened up.

"Well," he said, "I'll tell you. A mongoose is an animal that lives off reptiles - snakes, lizards, toads. I've got an uncle in Portland. Fine man, respected citizen and all that, but he's got one weakness. Drinks. When he drinks he's bothered by snakes and lizards. I'm taking the mongoose down there to eat 'em."

"Yes, but gosh! Them varmints he sees is imaginary snakes!"

"Well, this is an imaginary mongoose." (By Irvin S. Cobb)

 

--------------

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

First let me thank our members, new and old for sharing your smiles with us. 

 I hope everyone is having a terrific summer. I will be away for the remainder of the week and will not be posting.  I'll catch everyone when I return. In the meantime.....

"Keep on smilin' "      

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Three little ducks go into a bar.....

"Say, what's your name?" asks the bartender to the first duck.

"Huey"... replies the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?" the bartender asks.

"Great ! Lovely day, had a ball . Been in and out of puddles all day. What more could a duck want?"   

"Oh, nice!" 

"What's your name ?" he asks the second duck.

"Dewey, and I've had a great day as well. In and out of Puddles all day, what else could a duck want?"

The bartender turns to duck number three and says, "Your name must be Louie?"

"No"......   she bats her eyelashes.......

"My name is.....

Puddles.       

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Husband’s Message (by cellphone): 

Honey,I got hit by a car outside of the office.  Paula brought me to the Hospital. They have been making tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.


Wife’s Response: 

 

Who is Paula?

 

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My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.

 

He approached a uniformed security guard and said.. "My grandpa is lost."

 

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

 

"Grandpa."

 

The guard smiled and then asked, "What's he like?"

 

The little tyke thought for a moment and then said,

 

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs."     Smiley Frustrated

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Reverend Boudreaux was a part time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist church, and Pastor Thibodeau was the minister of the covenant Church across the road.

 

They were both standing by the road pounding a sign into the ground that read:

 

"Da end is near, turn yo sef 'roun now afore it be too late!"

 

As a car sped past the driver leaned out the window and yelled, "You religious nuts!"

 

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a splash.....

 

Boudreaux turned to Thibodeau and said, ...

 

"Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay BRIDGE OUT ?" Smiley Sad

 

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THE JOKES OF HENNY YOUNGMAN:

 

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy!" The man says, "I want a second opinion."  The doc says, "Okay, you're ugly too !" Smiley Frustrated

 

 

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office."

 

Doctor:  " Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."  Cat Wink

 

 

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man says, "How do I stand?"

The doctor replied, "That's puzzles me."    Smiley Sad

 

 

 

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says, "Okay let's get started."   Smiley Very Happy

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A man died and went to Heaven, As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he noticed a wall of clocks...

 

He asked, "What are all the clocks for?"

 

St.Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks. Everytime you tell a lie the hands advance."

 

"Oh, whos clock is that ?"

 

"That is St. Teresa's clock. Hers never moved, meaning she never told a lie." explained St. Peter.

 

"That one belongs to Abraham Lincoln," continued St.Peter. "His moved twice.Meaning he told two lies in his lifetime."

 

"Where is O'Bama's clock" asked the man.

 

"It is in Jesus's office, being used as a ceiling fan."   

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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says. "A beer please, and one for the road."

 

 

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

 

 

Two cows are standing next to wach other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you!" says Dolly.

"It's true; no bull !" exclaims Daisy.

 

 

Men don't grow up, they just change bottles.  

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Security guard #1    

 

   "Poor kids..fleeing a blood soaked, violent land. Where's this bunch from?"

 

 

Security guard # 2

 

"Chicago."

 

 

                                        *******

 

 

 

"I tried to drown my sorrows, but the b------- learned to swim !"

 

Frida Kahlo

 

                                       *******

 

 

"Insomnia is an all-night travel agency."

 

Charles Simic

 

                                      *******

 

 

 

After a malfunctioning door caused a corpse to fall from the back of a coroner's van onto a busy Pa. road, making traffic come to a standstill,"I thought someone was playing a prank." said one driver. "I didn't know if I should laugh or cry."

 

 

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An invisible man marries an invisible woman.. The kids were nothing to look at either...

 

 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day.. But couldn't find any...

 

 

Two fish swam into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says.."Dam!!"

 

 

A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.Smiley Frustrated 

 

 

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AGING:

 

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. I love to hear them say, "You don't look that old..."

 

 

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

 

 

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra..

 

First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull up your zipper....it's worse when you forget to pull it down.

 

 

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood would run down into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class replied.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet ain't empty."

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At 60 degrees...  Floridians wear coats

                     Chicago people sunbathe.

 

At 50 degrees...  New Yorkers try to turn on the heat

                     Chicago people plant gardens.

 

At 40 degrees...  Italian cars won't start.

                     Chicago people drive with the windows down.

 

At 32 degrees...  Distilled water freezes.

                     Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.

 

At 20 degrees...  Californians shiver.

                     Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.

 

At 15 above...   N.Y. landlords finally turn up the heat.

                    Chicago people finally throw on a shweatshirt.

 

At 0 degrees..   Californians fly away to Mexico.

 

At 20 below....  People in Miami cease to exist!

                   Chicago people get out a winter coat.

 

At 40 below....  Hollywood disintergrates.

                   Chicago Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

 

At 60 below..   Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.

                  Chicago's Boy Scouts wait for it to get cold enough for their winter survival classes.

 

At 80 below..  Mt' St. Helen's freezes.

                 Chicago people start some videos.

 

At 100 below.. Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

                  Chicago people get frustrated when they can't throw the keg.

 

At 275 below.. Microbial life survives on dairy products.

                  Illinois cows complain of farmer's cold hands.

 

At 460 below.. All atomic motion stops.

                  Chicago people start saying, "Cold 'nuff fer ya?"

 

At 500 below... Hell freezes over

                   The Chicago Cubs win the World Series ! Smiley LOL

 

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