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SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.....

 

"Hey look, that one is shaped like an idiot!"

 

 

 

                                *********** 

 

 

 

 

DAUGHTER:    "What is marriage?"

 

MOM:           "Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HAVE A GOOD DAY !   Smiley Happy 

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The daffynition of an ASKHOLE:

 

 

 

A person who constantly asks for your advice...

 

And yet always does the opposite of what you told them. 

 

 

 

 

 

                                    *************

 

 

 

 

Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in the world there is an idiot pulling on a door that says, "PUSH!" 

 

 

 

 

                                   **************

 

 

 

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.  

 

 

 

 

                                 ****************

 

 

 

These days half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For Fast Relief."

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THANKS FOR THE KUDOS ! Hope everyone has a great day !
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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by rosa2sail

 

Welcome Rosa ~

Hope your day is a great one !      

 

An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening...

She was impressed by the way the friend preceeded every request to her hubby with an indearing term, such as " Honey, My Love, Darling,Sweetheart, Pumpkin etc."

The couple head been married nearly 70 years and clearly were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, she leaned over to her host and said, "I think it's wonderful that after all these years, you still call your hubby all those pet names!

The elderly lady hung her head, "I have to tell you the truth," she said. "His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old a$$hole what his name really is !"   

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

This is a GREAT ONE.. Thanks.. Made me laugh ~ smiles ha ha

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I could go for a hayride, or I could shove sharp sticks down my pants....same difference.

 

I must be sleepwalking... I've wandered into some bad Charlie Brown dream !

 

 

    HAPPY HALLOWEE!

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by nell2

4 Older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time, and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac...But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long."

The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too.. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long."

"Well," said the third lady, "I too must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship."

The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make.!"

 

 

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Franks right he would be dead.....LOL  

                                  just nell

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stamps wasted.jpg

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An oldie, but a goodie:

 

 

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her hubby...

 

For example... A wife comes home late one evening, and quietly opens the master bedroom door.

 

From under the sheets, she sees four legs instead of two!  She reaches for a baseball bat and starts whacking the sheet as hard as she can.

 

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to get a drink, and finds her husband reading the paper.

 

"Hi darling. Your parents are here for a visit. I let them use our room. Did you say Hi?" Smiley Surprised

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A nun walks into Mother Superior's office, and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration...

"What troubles you Sister?" Asked Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spend with your family?"

 

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother.We try to play golf as often as we can."

"So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

 

"Far from it." snorted the Sister, "In fact, I even cursed !"

 

"MY goodness ! " gasped Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it."

 

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster. A 540-yard, Par 5, with a nasty dogleg to the right and a hidden green... I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted....but it hits a bird in flight!"

 

"Oh my, commiserated the Mother, "How unfortunate!  But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister !"

 


"No, that wasn't it, While I was still trying to fathom what happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway."

 

"Oh that would have made me blaspheme !" said Mother.

 

"But I didn't Mother !" sobbed Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"That's when you cursed." Mother said with a knowing smile.

 

"NO, that wasn't it either!" cried the Sister... "Because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel dropped the ball out of his paws, and it rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!!"

 

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said.............

 

"You missed the f----- putt, didn't you !!!  " Cat Frustrated

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What did one saggy boob say to the other?

 

We'd better perk up soon, or people will think we're nuts !

 

 

 

                                     **************

 

 

MAXINE SAYS:

 

 

"I am not against immigration... just come through like everyone else. Get a sponsor; have a place to lay your head; have a job; pay your taxes; live by the rules and LEARN THE LANGUAGE as all other immigrants have in the past... and

 

GOD BLESS AMERICA  !

 

 

 

                                  *****************

 

 

MAXINE SAYS:

 

 

Do you know what happened back in 1850?

 

California became a state..

 

The people had no electricty

 

The state had no money..

 

Almost everyone spoke Spanish..

 

There were gunfights in the streets.

 

So..... basically nothing has changed, except the women had real

 

boobs, and the men didn't hold hands..

 

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Still laughing over that one !
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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.. No matter how horrible the circumstances, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it....

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night and found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That's awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse..."

"How in Hell?" asked his bewildered friends.

"Well, " replied Frank. "If it happened the night before, I'd be dead now."     

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

If you're talking about me behind my back.....

You're in a good position to kiss my a$$  !  

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real estate.jpgpolice report.jpgpark birds.jpgredneck cat.jpgstubborn.jpg

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Thanks for posting !!    Have a great day  Smiley Happy

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HE SAID...... "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."

 

SHE SAID.... "You wear pants don't you?"    Smiley Wink

 

 

 

HE SAID..... "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"

 

SHE SAID... " That's a good idea..you stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart!"  Smiley Mad

 

 

 

HE SAID.... " What have you been doing with all the grocery money?"

 

SHE SAID..." Turn sideways and look in the mirror!"   Smiley Frustrated

 

 

 

 

HE SAID..." Why are married women all heavier than single women?"

 

SHE SAID.." Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge!"  Smiley LOL

 

 

 

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YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...

 

 

 

 

You only bathe when it rains...

 

Your master bathroom has the words 'porta' and 'potty' written on the side.

 

You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.

 

If you think that Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.

 

You think that 'possum is the 'other white meat'.

 

You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonald's.

 

 

You dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back, because of the weight of your pocket knife. 

 

You can't take a bath in the winter, because the stream is frozen.

 

You picket your horse on the front lawn so you won't have to mow it.

 

Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer.

 

Your gun cabinet takes up half of your living room.

 

Anytime your kids see a dog, they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.

 

"Yall have a nice day good buddy !     Smiley Wink

 

 

 

 

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         TODAY IS INTERNATIONAL DISTURBED PEOPLE'S DAY

 

 

 

I don't care if you lick windows..

 

Take the special bus..

 

Or occasionally pee on yourself...

 

You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special !!     Smiley LOL

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"Optimism is the cheerful frame of mind

that enables a tea kettle to sing,

even though its' up to

its' nose in hot water."

 

 

 

 

 

The phone rings, and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

 

"Mrs. Ward?"

 

"Speaking."

 

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Lab. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday,a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the result are either bad or terrible."

 

"What do you mean?" Mrs Ward asked nervously.

 

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other tested postitive for AIDS> We can't tell which is your husband's."

 

"That's dreadful ! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

 

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

 

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

 

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop off your husband somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."  Smiley Frustrated

 

 

 

 

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                 EIGHT WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS..

 

 

 

1. THINGY

 

    FEMALE... Any part under a car's hood.

 

    MALE.....  The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

 

 

2. VULNERABLE

 

   FEMALE... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

 

   MALE...... Playing football without a cup.

 

 

3. COMMUNICATION

 

   FEMALE....The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

 

   MALE.......Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

 

 

4. COMMITMENT

 

   FEMALE... A desire to get married and raise a family.

 

   MALE...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

 

 

5. ENTERTAINMENT

 

   FEMALE.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

 

   MALE....... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

 

 

6. FLATULENCE

 

   FEMALE.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.

 

   MALE......  A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

 

 

7. MAKING LOVE

 

   WOMEN... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

 

   MALE.......Call it what you want, just as long as we do it.

 

 

8. REMOTE CONTROL

 

   WOMEN... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

 

   MALE...... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

 

.

 

 

 

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A woman was sitting enjoying coffee after work with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, and extremely sexy middle-aged man entered the room. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

 

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for staring, he leaned over and and whispered to her. "I'll do anything that you want me to do, no matter what, for $20, on one condition." (there are always conditions.)

 

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was....

 

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

 

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.

 

She looked deeply into his eyes, and then slowly and meanfully said....

 

"Clean my house."    Smiley Wink

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THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

 

 

1.  "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

 

2.  "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time... this should be banned."

 

3.  "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

 

4.  "We booked an excursion to a water park, but no-one told us we had to bring our own bathing suits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

 

5.  "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

 

6.  " We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white, but it was more yellow."

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Dissatisfied vacationers cont.

 

 

7.  "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

 

8.   "No one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

 

9.   "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen,there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

 

10.  "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

 

11.  "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of the many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

 

12.  "It only took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

 

13.  "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom, and ours was significantly smaller."

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Dissatisfied customers cont.

 

 

14.   "The brochure stated: "No hairdressers at the resort.We are trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

 

15.   "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

 

16.  "We had to line up outside to catch the boat, and there was no air-conditioning."

 

17.  "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

 

18.  " I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

 

19.  "My fiancé and I requested twin beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king- sized bed.We now hold you responsible and want to be reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you put us in the room that we booked."  Cat Sad

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by JanieB

Janie....welcome aboard. Thanks for my smile this a.m.  

 

Papa mole sticks his head out of the hole and says, "What a beautiful day, I smell honey!"

Then mama mole sticks her head out of the hole and says, "Oh, Yum !  I smell honey too."

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air..... but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. This makes him whine..."Geez, all I can smell is...........................

MOLEASSES !

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

From BettyBoop:

 

Well, I lost the  trivia  contest at  the senior center last night by 1 point.


 I not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

 

 

 

 



Apparently, the correct answer is Fiji .

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup....

As she was still mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the "What Would Jesus do"? bumper sticker, the "Choose Life" plate holder, and the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome -plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.....

So naturally, I thought you had stolen the car!"

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In Response to RE: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY by BonnieC10

GOTTA LOVE THESE T SHIRTS FOR SENIORS.....

 

i'D RATHER BE A SMART A$$ THAN A DUMB SH-- !

 

I HATE EVERYONE  !

 

AT MY AGE I'VE

SEEN IT ALL....

DONE IT ALL....

HEARD IT ALL....

I JUST CAN'T REMEMBER IT ALL !     

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