SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

[BonnieC10]

 Joke deleted

[BonnieC10]

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. "These," she explained, "Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you Americans do with your old goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"  

[BonnieC10]

Bob, a 70-year-old , extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired women who knocks the socks off everyone with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the clubare all aghast. At the very first chance , they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend? Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They are knocked over, but continue to ask, "So, how 'd you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age, " Bob replies. "What did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles, "No, I told her I was 90."   

[BonnieC10]

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.  Red meat is awful.. Soft drinks corrode you stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realize the longterm harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it.

Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it? 

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said...

"Wedding cake." 

[BonnieC10]

One night , an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was aksed if she had anything to say in her own defense.

"Your Honor" she began coolly... "I figured that at 92, if he could screw he could fly."

[BonnieC10]

Brenda and Bill took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small **bleep**.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom,"  he exclaimed, "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied, "The rest are for your father."  

[BonnieC10]

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a da--ed fine sermon. Da--ed good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use prefanity."

The man said, " I was so da--ed impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate."

The preacher said, "No S---! " 

[BonnieC10]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying..........

"Oh Mom !  You don't have to worry about that ! I'm dating Susan !"

[BonnieC10]

Everything is 

Very good..

Soon we own

The neighborhood.

We have hobby

It called breeding.

Welfare pay

For baby feeding.

Kids need dentist?

Wife need pills?

We get free!

We got no bills.

Taxpayer crazy!

He pay all year.

To keep welfare

Running here.

We think America

D-- good place!

Too d-- good

For white man race.

If they no like us,

They can go,

Got lots of room

In Mexico.

[BonnieC10]

Write to friends

In Motherland,

Tell them

"Come fast as you can."

They come in buses

And Chevy trucks,

I buy big house,

With welfare bucks.

They come here,

We live together,

More welfare checks

It gets better!

Fourteen families

They moving in,

But neighbor's patience

Wearing thin.

Finally, white guy

Moves away,

I buy his house,

And then I say..

"Find more aliens

For houses to rent,

In my yard

I put a tent.

Send for family

They just trash,

But they too,

Draw welfare cash!

cont.

[BonnieC10]

I cross river,

Poor and broke..

Take bus 

See employment folk.

Nice man

Treat me good in there,

Say I need

Go see welfare.

Welfare say,

"You come no more."

"We send cash

Right to your door."

Welfare checks

They make you wealthy,

Medicade

It keep you healthy.

By and by

Got plenty money,

Thanks to you,

TAXPAYER  DUMMY.

cont.

[BonnieC10]

So, I was at the bar last night , and the waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?"

I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet !"

Everyone laughed------------   well, eveyone except this one guy....

[BonnieC10]

Sign seen on Budget Funeral Service Van...

Grab 'em

Bag 'em

Burn 'em

Midgets half price

Politicians free ! 

[BonnieC10]

Those of you who worry about Democrats versus Republicans.... relax, here is our real problem.

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qulifications to be President of the United States.

It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair it was of the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming President. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument stating:

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-secion?"

Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections ...  They breed , and walk among us.   Lord, we need more help than we thought we did ! 

[BonnieC10]

What does Cam Newton and Fig Newton have in common?

They're both soft and crumble under pressure. 

[BonnieC10]

Bill Clinton was paid 12 million dollars for his memoirs..

HIllary was paid 8 million dollars for hers..

That's 20 million dollars for memories from two people who for 8 years repeatedly testified under oath that they could not remember anything!

ONLY IN AMERICA..

[BonnieC10]

Some men, they buy chocolate

For Valentine's Day..

They git it at Wal-Mart,

It's romantic that way.

Some men git roses

On that special day

From the cooler at Kroger

"That's impressive," they say.

Some men buy fine diamonds,

From a flea market booth,

"Diamonds are forever"

They explain suave and couth.

But for this man, honey..

These just won't do.

Cause yor'e too special

You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,

Without taste nor odor,

More useful than diamonds.....

IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR ! 

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY !  ♥

[BonnieC10]

Cut from the best cloth

Like a plaid flannel shirt,

You spark up my life

More than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight

Like a padded gunrack,

My life is complete,

Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Y'ore complection, it's perfection

Like the best vinyl sidin'

Despite all the years,

Yore age , it keeps hidin'

Me 'n you's like Moon Pie

With a RC cold drank.

We go together

Like a skunk goes with stank.

(cont.) 

[BonnieC10]

You have some'a yore teeth,

For which I am proud;

I hold my head high

When we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,

When you shave under yore arms,

Well, I'm in hawg heaven

And awed by yore charms.

Them fellers at work

They all want ta know,

What I did to deserve

Such a purdy young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape,

Yo're there fer yore man,

To patch up life's troubles

And fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug

A-buzzin' over head,

You ain't mean like those far ants,

I found in my bed.

Cont.

[BonnieC10]

Collards is green..

My dog's name is Blue,

And I'm so lucky 

To have a sweet thankg like you !

Yore hair is like cornsilk..

A-flappin in the breeze.

Softer than Blue's

And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,

Which excite me in May.

You ain't got no scales,

But I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry,

Jist a- fry'n in the pan.

Yo're as fragrant as 'snuff',

Right out of the can.

(cont.)

[BonnieC10]

I wonder if Chinese tourists get upset if they buy a souvenir from America, and find out it was made in China.. 

[BonnieC10]

I phoned the bondage helpline....

But all the operators..

Were tied up.  

[BonnieC10]

LAISSEZ LE BONS TEMPS ROULER !

Let the good times roll !  

HAPPY MARDI GRAS TO ALL 

[BonnieC10]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all the blonde jokes, and how all blondes are perceived to be stupid..

So, she decides to show husband that blondes really are smart. 

While her hubby is at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30, and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks if she is OK.

She replies, "yes"..

He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blondes are dumb, by painting inside the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over a leather jacket ..

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can, and it said.....

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

[BonnieC10]

I offer my opponents a bargain; 

If they stop telling lies about us,

I will stop telling the truth about them. 

[BonnieC10]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter Scale hits the Middle East.

Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.

Iraq, Iran, and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.

Latin American countries are sending clothing.

New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending replacement Muslims. 

[BonnieC10]

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 

[BonnieC10]

Dear Lord;

The last 15 or 20 years have been really tough. You have taken my favorite actor Paul Newman, my favorite actress Liz Taylor, my favorite singer Andy Williams, my favorite author Tom Clancey, and my favorite comedians Robin Williams and Joan Rivers....

I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are Barack OBama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. And I have a special place in my heart for Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.

Amen 

[BonnieC10]

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.

[BonnieC10]

WHEN I WAS A BOY I WAS TOLD THAT ANYBODY COULD BECOME PRIME

MINISTER OR PRESIDENT, I'M BEGINNING TO BELIEVE IT !

Clarrence Darrow

[BonnieC10]

                                                   NEW ENGLAND GIRLS 

They can drive in any weatha. 8" of snow is nothin' They can cook a wicked good suppah, an if they have a opinion, you bet your **bleep** your gonna heahrit.

They can make a packy run, or pahty with the boys. They love the Pats, Sox, Bruins and Celts. 

People say they talk funny, but hey, theah's nothin' wrong with theah grammah.

Yep, New England Girls are wicked awesome !