Re: SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY - Page 28

BonnieC10 · ‎07-12-2010

Joke deleted

BonnieC10 · ‎09-05-2015

Yesterday, I had an appointment to see a urologist for a prostate exam.

Of course I was a bit on edge. The waiting room was full of patients. As I approached the recepton desk, I noticed she was a large, unfriendly woman. I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice she said, "Yes, I have your name here. You want to see the Doctor about your impotence right?"

All the patients looked at me, and now I'm a very embarrassed man.

But, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice I said, "No, I've come to see about a sex change operation, but I don't want the same doctor who did yours."

The entire room applauded!

BonnieC10 · ‎09-04-2015

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders , accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about throroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

When it was time to take the hikdren to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and boys with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that one of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the boys up one by one, holding their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice he was unsusually well endowed. Trying not to show she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race, but I appreciate your help."

BonnieC10 · ‎09-03-2015

A little old lady from Wisconsin won $5000 in an ad contest for Carnation Milk.

Here was her winning entry:

"Carnation milk is best of all,

No **bleep** to pull, no hay to haul.

No buckets to wash..

No sh-- to pitch..

Just poke a hole in

The Son-of-a-bit-- !

BonnieC10 · ‎09-02-2015

Jane and Arlene are outside smoking in the rain, when Jane pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette.

Arline says, "What the Hell is that?"

Jane says, "A condom."

Arline asks, "Where did you get it?"

Jane says, "Any pharmacy."

The next day, Arlene ( who is 80 years old) hobbles over to the pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacists looks at her kind of strange and embarrassed, then asks her delicately, what size, texture, and what brand she prefers.

Arelene says with a wink............... "Doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

BonnieC10 · ‎09-01-2015

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied the survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son," the Father shark said, and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we show the tips of our fins." ...so they did.

"Now we swim around them a few times with all our fins showing." so they did.

"Now we eat them!"

The son asked his dad, "Why didn't we just eat them the first time?"

His father replied, " Because they taste better with the sh-- scared out of them."

BonnieC10 · ‎08-31-2015

During his physical, the M.D. asked his new patient about his daily activities outside of Limetree. He described a typical day: " Well yesterday, I went wading along the edge of a lake, drank 8 beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy bush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy,crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an agressive rattlesnake, and took 4 leaks behind big trees."

The doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoorsman !"

":No," he replied. " I'm just a shi--y golpher."

BonnieC10 · ‎08-30-2015

The elderly Priest, speaking to the younger Priest said, "You had a good idea to replace the front row pews with plush bucket seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church is always full now."

He continued, "You told me to add a little more beat to the music, and it would bring more young people to church. Now our services are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father." the young Priest replied.

"All these ideas are well and good, " the elderly Priest continued, "But I'm afraid the drive through confessional is going a little too far."

"But Father," the young priest replied, "My confessions and donations are doubled."

"Yes, " the older Priest replied, "I appreciate that , but the flashing neon sign that says "TOOT N TELL OR GO TO HELL" Has to go !

BonnieC10 · ‎08-28-2015

If the Professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect, while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from **bleep**s?

BonnieC10 · ‎08-27-2015

Can you cry underwater?

Why are you IN a movie....but ON TV?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change, when they're going to see you naked anyway?

Why do people pay money to go up into tall buildings, and then pay money to look down at things on the ground?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

BonnieC10 · ‎08-26-2015

The worst thing about growing old is listening to your children's advice.

Dental hygenist : "Mr. Smith, do you floss religiously?"

Mr. Smith: "Well, I floss more often than I go to church."

BonnieC10 · ‎08-26-2015

The worst thing about growing old is listening to your children's advice.

Dental hygenist : "Mr. Smith, do you floss religiously?"

Mr. Smith: "Well, I floss more often than I go to church."

BonnieC10 · ‎08-25-2015

There's not much wrong with the younger generation that becoming a parent and a taxpayer won't cure..

BonnieC10 · ‎08-24-2015

Today there's a pill for everything...

To keep your nose from running,

To keep your heart beating...

To keep your hair from falling out...

To improve your muscle tone.

Thanks to advanced medicine..

People are dying who never looked better.

BonnieC10 · ‎08-23-2015

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'Put your two cents worth in"....but it's only 'A penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "Slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

BonnieC10 · ‎08-23-2015

Have you ever had a.. "Too much sh--

and not enough shovels" type of day?

BonnieC10 · ‎08-22-2015

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, ""I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after the services for me?"

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend he agrees.

After the services, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to?

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says,.....

:"My wife died a year ago."

BonnieC10 · ‎08-21-2015

A Ray's Fan, a Red Sox fan, and a Yankees fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most.

The Ray's fan insists he is the most loyal, and then yells.." This is for Tampa Bay" and jumps off the mountain !

The Red Sox fan next professes his love for his team and screams this... "For Boston!" and pushes the Yankees fan off the mountain.

GO BOSTON GO !!

BonnieC10 · ‎08-20-2015

I was in Starbucks recently,when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas...

The music was really loud, so I timed my release with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me... then I remembered I was listening to my IPod !

BonnieC10 · ‎08-19-2015

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra...

The mom asks , " Why on earth do you need Viagra?"

The little boy replies,... "Isn't that what you give Dad when his shi- won't get hard?"

BonnieC10 · ‎08-18-2015

I was in Florida and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that said, "I miss Detriot."

So, I broke the window and stole the radio and left a note that read, "I hope this helps."

BonnieC10 · ‎08-17-2015

"Every man has three characters- that which he exhibits, that which he has, and that which he thinks he has."

Henry Drummond

BonnieC10 · ‎08-13-2015

Just burned 2000 calories....

That's the last time I leave

Brownies in the oven

While I take a nap!

BonnieC10 · ‎08-12-2015

All those who believe in psycho kinesis.. raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the worng lane.

I intend to live forever, so far, so good!

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

The problem with the gene pool , is that there is no lifeguard.

Everyone has a photographic memory... some just don't have film.

BonnieC10 · ‎08-11-2015

If your're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said "I woke up one morning and all my stuff had been stolen....and replaced by exact duplicates."

HIs mind see thngs differently than we do...to our amazement and amusement. Here are some more of his gems.

Borrow money from pessimists...they don't expect it back.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other body parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want a rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

( to be cont.)

BonnieC10 · ‎08-11-2015

Good one GoldIRA !

BonnieC10 · ‎08-10-2015

TRUMP 2016

There will be hell toupée.

BonnieC10 · ‎08-09-2015

I was in a bar the other nite, and overheard three very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish., so I approached them and asked, " Hello ladies.. are you Lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, you bloody idiot, Wales !"

So, I apologized and replied, " I am sorry, are you three whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember...

BonnieC10 · ‎08-08-2015

If Bruce Jenner goes missing, will his picture be put on a carton of half and half??

BonnieC10 · ‎08-07-2015

A Police Officer called the station on his radio. "I have an interesting case here...an elderly lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped!" "Have you arrested the woman?" asked the Chief. "Not yet, " replied the officer... "The floor's still wet."

BonnieC10 · ‎08-06-2015

A U.S Navy destroyer stops 4 Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on a megaphone and shouts... : "Ahoy small craft, where are you headed?" One of the Mexicans puts down his oar and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the U.S.A. to reclaim the territory taken by the U.S. during the 1800's." The entire crew aboard the destroyer doubles over in laughter. The Captain finally catches his breath and asks, "Just the 4 of you??" The Mexican shouts, "No, Senior. The other 21 million are already there."