SHARE A JOKE EVERY DAY

[BonnieC10]

 Joke deleted

[BonnieC10]

Thanks so much !   All the best to you in 2015 !

Bonnie

[LaDolceVita]

Thanks for starting off the New Year right Bonnie!   You brighten so many of my days with your jokes.  Happy New Year to you!

[BonnieC10]

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist,your gastro-enterologist,your urologist,your proctologist, your podiatrist,your psychiatrist,your plumber and the I.R.S.

May your hair,your teeth,your face-lift,your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholestrol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

May New Year's Eve find you seated around the table together with your beloved family and cherished friends.May you find the food better,the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do that night.

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May someone love you enough to give forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.

May the telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you finish dinner, may the commercials on TV not be louder than the program you have been watching, and may your check book and your budget balance, and include generous amounts for charity.

May you remember to say "I love you" at least once a day to your spouse, your child,your parent, your siblings; but not to your secretary, your nurse, your masseuse, your hairdresser or your tennis instructor.

And may we live in a world at peace and with the awareness of God's love in every sunset, every flower's unfolding petals, every baby's smile, every lover's kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our heart.

HAPPY 2015 !!!

[BonnieC10]

One dark night in the small town of Roselle Park, N.J., a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said," All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 !

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Peterson section of Elizabeth N.J. This fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65....

To everyone's amazement, the little run down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!

Outside,the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, the 70-year-old fire chief, "De fursta tings we gonna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna firetruck !!" 

[BonnieC10]

We went out to dinner New Years Eve and had every intention of watching the ball drop on Dick Clark, but slept through it..

We woke up and couldn't figure out what was taking them so long, it was after twelve for goodness sake, what were they thinking?

We still have our Christmas decorations in (Epiphany,you know) the tree needles are starting to drop and I can honestly say I am sick of Christmas and would like to vacuum again without sucking the tree skirt up the Rainbow...

The wind did a number on everybody's outside decorations, so everything is slightly askew and the lights on the trees are beginning to take on the shapes of wild animals and things.

There's a giraffe out back and we also have an enormous hand flipping off the guy across the street. We have a table full of leftover stuff that accumulated since Christmas (cookies, candy and other assorted goodies that needs to go far away...

Must be what an alcoholic feels like around drinkers,,,,you really want some but you know you shouldn't! I have a sinus infection brewing I think, the cat just threw up on the rug and I'm on the tail end of menopause. You have such wonderful things to look foward to.

I still have PMS every month, but nothing happens.I have hot flashes that would heat up Fenway Park and for some reason sometimes my eyelids and the palms of my hands sweat..water running of kind of sweat..I should wear gloves and eye patches at all times.. Well, here's to 2014, I hope it's a great year for everyone. CHEERS !

[BonnieC10]

Twas the month after Christmas,

And all through the house..

Nothing would fit me,

not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled,

the eggnog I'd taste,

At the Holiday parties

had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales

There arose such a number,

When I walked to the store,

(Less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous

Meals I'd prepared,

The gravies and sauces

And beef nicely rared.

The cakes and the pies

The bread and the cheese,

And the way I'd never said,

"No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself

In my husband's old shirt,

And prepared once again

To do battle with dirt.

I said to myself,

As only I can....

"You can't spend a winter

Disguised as a man."

So, away with the last

Of the sour cream dip.

Get rid of the fruitcake,

Every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food

That I like must be banished,

Till all the additional

Ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie,

Not even a lick,

I'll only chew on

A celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits,

Or corn bread, or pie..

I'll munch on a carrot

And quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome,

And life is a bore,

But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle,

No longer a riot,

HAPPY NEW YEAR to all,

And to all a good diet ! 

[BonnieC10]

One beautiful December evening, Pedro and his girlfriend were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, Mamacita....let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now. Let's look at the moon." said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon Baby, let's you and me play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time." Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please, Corazoncito, just once......play Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, just one time...we play Weeweechu."

So Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas...Weeweechu a Merry Christmas.....Weeweechu a Merry Christmas...and a Happy New Year."  

[BonnieC10]

A is for apple

B is for boat,

That used to be right, but now

It won't float!

Age before beauty is what we once

said..

But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

A's for arthritis

B's the bad back.

C's the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?

D is for dental decay and decline

E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for farting and fluid retention,

G is for gut droop, which I'd rather not

mention..

H is for high blood pressure, I'd rather it be low.

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend.

K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L's for libido, what happened to sex?

M is for memory, I forget what comes next..

N is for neuralgia, in nerves way down low.

O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just

give me a pill and I'll be good as new.

Q is for queasy, is it fatal for flu?

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

T is for Tinnitus, bells in my ears!

U is for urinary troubles with flow,

V is for vertigo, that's dizzy, you know.

W for worry, now what's going 'round?

X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y for another year I'm left here behind,

Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind !

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed. And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

[BonnieC10]

It's one day after Christmas

I'm crabby and I'm broke.

I'm so full of ham and fruitcake,

I think I'm gonna croak!

It's nice to see the relatives

I wonder when they'll leave...

They've been camping in my bathroom,

Since early Christmas Eve!

They've eaten everything in sight,

And sleeping in my bed,

I 've been sacked out in the basement,

With my beagle Fred,

The relatives have all gone out

And left their screaming brat.

The toilet bowl is all plugged up,

And I can't find the cat...

It's Christmas time at my house,

The relatives are all here,

They eat me out of house and home

And drink up all my beer.

I love the decorations,

And the sleigh bells in the snow,

But I wish those pesky relatives

Would take their kids and go!

Those cookie crunchers fed the dog

A twenty pound rib roast,

His feet are sticking in the air,

Like skinny old fence posts.

Now they're in a free-for-all,

The girls against the boys,

They're fighting over boxes,

'cause they're bored with all their toys.

My mother-in-law is snoring,

In my favorite TV chair,

Those kids are stringing lights on her,

And tinseling her hair.

I ought to wake her up

Before the fireworks begin,

But I wanna see those blue sparks fly,

When they plug her in.

[BonnieC10]

When it's winter time in Maine,

And the gently breezes blow..

About seventy miles an hour,

And it's fifty-two below,

You can tell you're in Maine

'cause the snow's up tp your butt,

And you take a breath of Winter air,

And your nose holes both freeze shut!

The weather here is wonderful,

So I guess I'll hang around,

I could NEVER leave Maine,

My feet are frozen to the ground. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL

AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT !

[BonnieC10]

      YOU CAN'T STEAL MY CHRISTMAS

I don't know who they are..

saying I can't greet the crowd

The way that I want to

Can't say CHRISTMAS out loud.

I walk into a business place

See things that I rather not see

But dare not say CHRISTMAS

I have to ask for a "holiday" tree.

What happened to freedom of speech

And living in the land of the free..

How can they take my CHRISTMAS money

But can't say MERRY CHRISTMAS to me!

Men and women have given their lives

So we could still go free..

I wonder how they would feel

At saying a 'HOLIDAY TREE".

Come on AMERICA let's wake up

Don't let our freedom escape

If they get by with doing this

What else will they take?

This is starting to get out of hand

And I've begun to keep track

Well I've just about had enough

I'M TAKING CRISTMAS BACK.....so

      MERRY CHRISTMAS AMERICA !!

[BonnieC10]

If you see a fat man..

Who's jolly and cute..

Wearing a beard

And a red velvet suit...

And if he's chuckling and

Laughing away...

While flying around

In a miniature sleigh..

With 8 tiny reindeer

To pull him along..

Then let's face it...

YOUR EGGNOG'S TOO STRONG !!!

[BonnieC10]

If a fat guy in a red flannel suit grabs you and puts you in a bag, don't worry...

I told Santa I wanted a new friend for Christmas.

[BonnieC10]

Christmas Lights remind me of politicians.

They all hang together. Half of the suckers don't work, and the ones that do aren't all that bright!

[BonnieC10]

According to the Alaska Dept. of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid- December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl!

We should have known....ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

[BonnieC10]

Maxine says:

I envy the rear-defrost system in my car.

I was caught without earmuffs during a sudden cold snap, but managed to improvise with an old padded bra. 

[BonnieC10]

Rudolf lands Santa with his sleigh on an outhouse roof. Santa yells, "No Rudolph! I said the Schmidt house !!

[BonnieC10]

Maxine says:

I don't make snowmen. If I wanted to hang around with a cold man with slush for brains, I'd still be married.

[BonnieC10]

MAXINE SAYS:

I could be a member of the "Polar Bear Club"

Yeah,... I stand in freezing cold water whenever someone flushes the toilet while I'm in the shower."

I don't really want to know what that is frozen into guy's mustaches this time of the year.

My car has heated seats. That is,

If the sun beats through the windows

Just right. .

[BonnieC10]

According to the Alaska Dept, of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year,male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of the winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl !

We should've known....ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. 

[BonnieC10]

I wish a bright star would appear in the East

Over Washington D.C. We could use

A few wise men up there !

Maxine

[BonnieC10]

"It came without ribbons,

It came without tags....

It came without packages,

Bows, or bags.

Maybe Christmas doesn't

Come from a store...

Maybe Christmas means

A little bit more."

John Tesh

[BonnieC10]

Hubby, sorting through the mail, tells his wife...

"Honey, our lawyer wishes us, but in no way guarantees a Merry Christmas."  

[BonnieC10]

MAXINE SAYS:

Christmas is just plain weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree in your living room, and eat candy out of your socks.

[BonnieC10]

Maxine says:

"I sold my hair to buy your Christmas present this year....

Both legs.....  

[BonnieC10]

The Police officer said,.... "You drinking?"

I said,......    "You buying?"

We just laughed, and laughed......

I need bail money!!    

[BonnieC10]

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parent's house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.

The gas pains are almost making her eyes water...Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit, and lets out a dainty fart....

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof...

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy !"

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she began to feel the pain again.This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer RRRRP.

The father once again looked at the dog and yelled, "Skippy !"

Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes !  "  A few minutes later, the woman had to repeat the process.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Skippy, get away from her, before she s--ts on you !"

[BonnieC10]

LETTER TO SANTA.....

Dear Santa~

If you leave a new bike under the tree..

I'll give you the antidote to the poison

I put in the milk.

Timmy

[BonnieC10]

                CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

1.  Schizophrenia....          Do you hear what I hear?

2.  Multiple personality disorder  We Three Kings disoriented Are

3.  Dementia......             I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

4.  Narcissistic....            Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me.

5.  Paranoid......            Santa Claus Is Coming to Town to Get me..

6.  ADD..........            Silent Night, Holy, ooooh look at the Froggy

[BonnieC10]

                 THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS FOR NURSES

12 Patients pooping

11 Bed alarms ringing

10 Exhausted nurses

 9 Call lights flashing

 8 Screwed up Doctor's orders

 7 C Diffs stinking

 6 Alcoholics withdrawing

 5 Blood sugars dropping

 4 Blood transfusions

 3 Overtime shifts

 2 Patients crashing

 1 Naked guy running down the hall.