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Regular Social Butterfly
Posts: 409
Registered: ‎04-28-2014

Re: Talking with others about grief

Message 21 of 70 (2,471 Views)

g273724s wrote:

I lost my husband 1 month ago after a short & extremely painful battle with cancer. We have no children and really no friends where we live. I ache so much it hurts. He was my life. All we had was each other. I was lucky enough thru my weight watchers group to find some support. But I don't want to be that person who only talks about how much I hurt, so I very rarely ask for help. I am still working which is good, but I so want to move back to NYC. But without a job I can't. I have a friend there and some family. I thought about going up for a few days, but lately I seem to be afraid to spend money. I am worried about everything. I am afraid that something might happen and I need to be prepared. Am I obsessing? I am so alone. I have no debt except for the house, our first and only house that we bought last year. He loved this little house. I am seeing a grief counselor from hospice, but that's every 2 weeks. I feel lost without him


Hi G,

You had a very dear sweet connection with this man whom you miss in body mind and soul. And there's a long road ahead of you toward a new life without him. There are decisions to make and changes to implement, and you have plenty of time. The visceral pain of grief needs your attention, and you're giving yourself this time. Work, go to weight watchers (such a great source of cheerleading and supportiveness!), go to see the grief counselor at hospice. Are there any other people or activities that help you to feel okay? Do you like to swim? It can be a meditative exercise. Do you have a dog? Find new places to walk? Do you like binge watching on netflix? I rather like the series Longmire in which the star is a widower who somehow functions... it is a portrait in grief that i appreciated very much.

 

It would take a lot of energy to undertake a job search for a return to new york, and to sell the house or rent it out. Lotta work. You might find that in a few months or even a year or more that you are ready. Or that you've put down roots where you are, fallen in love with the slower pace, found a friend or two.

 

The pain is really something. Folks who've not lost a spouse really have no idea. Does the hospice have a grief group as well as individual sessions? I know of a pair of women who've become deep friends after meeting in a bereavement group.

 

It's the day after labor day and you're back at work. Is there a mini vacation that you can take in the upcoming weeks? Something to look forward to? I bet your fear about finances is a fear of facing the future alone (for now) without the back up of your beloved, and so fear of spending money is generalized all over the place. Hopefully it will pass.

 

There's always individual counseling that you pay for. There's always a massage therapist who could help you feel 'touched' and relaxed in a healing sort of way.

 

Thank you for writing. I'm sorry it is so hard. It just is. 

 

How are you doing today?

 

Jane

Info Seeker
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎08-21-2016

Re: Talking with others about grief

Message 22 of 70 (2,459 Views)

I lost my husband 1 month ago after a short & extremely painful battle with cancer. We have no children and really no friends where we live. I ache so much it hurts. He was my life. All we had was each other. I was lucky enough thru my weight watchers group to find some support. But I don't want to be that person who only talks about how much I hurt, so I very rarely ask for help. I am still working which is good, but I so want to move back to NYC. But without a job I can't. I have a friend there and some family. I thought about going up for a few days, but lately I seem to be afraid to spend money. I am worried about everything. I am afraid that something might happen and I need to be prepared. Am I obsessing? I am so alone. I have no debt except for the house, our first and only house that we bought last year. He loved this little house. I am seeing a grief counselor from hospice, but that's every 2 weeks. I feel lost without him

Regular Social Butterfly
Posts: 409
Registered: ‎04-28-2014

Re: Talking with others about grief

Message 23 of 70 (2,502 Views)

jm73193590 wrote:

I lost my husband of 43 years very suddenly in March.  I still cry a lot.  I miss him every night when I go to bed.  I really miss sleeping like spoons.  I talk to his picture when I'm alone.  Most of my friends think I'm doing just fine.  I suppose I'm pretty good at putting on a brave face.  It helps to volunteer at my church.  My children are attentive, sometimes too.day. This is so much harder than I every imagined.  


"I really miss sleeping like spoons."  Ain't that the truth.

 

I have a friend who went through the loss of her husband by paying for therapeutic massages regularly, just so she could feel touched by another human.  I've also heard that for the 'touch deprived', volunteering to hold preterm babies in a neonatal intensive care unit helped: to hold another living being was very healing for both the holder and the held. With a little googling, i found this: http://www.nicuhelpinghands.org/ways-to-give/volunteer/ 

 

Are there any other widows at your church who might be willing, or even eager, to have lunch after service one sunday to talk about "life as a widow"?  How to thrive as a widow?  Those would be women you know at least as acquaintances. 

 

Perhaps what i hear most is your quiet longing and missing, and the astonishment of how hard it truly is. 

 

You are part of a quiet community of people who are grieving. Thanks for posting. You are not alone.

 

Jane

Info Seeker
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎05-04-2015

Re: Talking with others about grief

Message 24 of 70 (2,483 Views)

I lost my husband of 43 years very suddenly in March.  I still cry a lot.  I miss him every night when I go to bed.  I really miss sleeping like spoons.  I talk to his picture when I'm alone.  Most of my friends think I'm doing just fine.  I suppose I'm pretty good at putting on a brave face.  It helps to volunteer at my church.  My children are attentive, sometimes too.day. This is so much harder than I every imagined.  

Regular Social Butterfly
Posts: 409
Registered: ‎04-28-2014

Re: Talking with others about grief

Message 25 of 70 (2,794 Views)

dn4369 wrote:

I talk to the empty chair during our routine cocktail hour.

I look at videos in which he is operating the camers. I thought I would cry but instead it gives me peace to remember those wonderful travel journeys.


What a wonderful way to be 'together' again, reliving those trips. He lives within you, and you lived a common history. Lovely.

Conversationalist
Posts: 7
Registered: ‎01-05-2015

Re: Talking with others about grief

Message 26 of 70 (2,761 Views)

I talk to the empty chair during our routine cocktail hour.

I look at videos in which he is operating the camers. I thought I would cry but instead it gives me peace to remember those wonderful travel journeys.

Conversationalist
Posts: 7
Registered: ‎01-05-2015

Re: Talking with others about grief

Message 27 of 70 (2,750 Views)

So sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I share it, as my husband died 5 months ago. I have not yet had a day without tears.

I went to hospice and my husband was never in their care. I highly recommend the private counseling.

In my opinion it is too soon for the group work. I tried  group and found monopolizers were worse than nothing.

God grant you peace of mind and heart.

Donna

Frequent Social Butterfly
Posts: 226
Registered: ‎05-04-2011

Re: Talking with others about grief

Message 28 of 70 (3,267 Views)

Hi Shanana, 

What a pretty name. I see your post here: 

 

I lost my spouse 4 months ago and have had no grieving counseling or anyone to talk to but my adult kid who tries to understand and care but they cant really feel the pain and loss as i do, and they deal with their loss differently, I have a few friends who have had the same loss but they want to talk about things other than how they delt with  grief and loss., should I still be crying and grieving?  My type of fun is shopping or going to casino?  I need a new hobby as this type of grief is costly can any one out there give me some ideas?  thanks  shanana

 

And it reminds me of a workshop i attended on the subject of grief. One of the profound points it made was that the phrase "still grieving" should be banished. Because there is no time limit. Ever. Four months is hardly enough time to catch your breath from the loss, let alone stopping the tears. The tears come. There is no stopping them. I'm sorry you lost your husband. Grieve as long as you need to grieve.

 

It sounds as though he was not part of a hospice program, because if he had been, you'd have received an offer for bereavement support, which is counseling and sometimes groups, provided free for 13 months following the death. That 13 month period is key. All the way through the first anniversary. Because you feel the loss during the milestones: his birthday, and yours. Holidays. The first Christmas without him... You are reconstructing your life. that takes time and work!

 

There are hospices all over the country. There may be one near you that offers support groups, like a widows group, that you could join. Not that you need to. But there's nothing quite like hearing from people who've been through what you're going through. And maybe your friends who've been through it to would talk about their experience if you asked. Maybe not. But it might be worth a try.

 

finding less expensive ways to relax might be a good idea. but heck, i spend too much money myself so i'm not one to give advice on that score...

 

I'm glad you wrote. And please get rid of the word "still."  You're grieving a great loss. It has its own wisdom and time frame. Only way out is through.

 

Jane

Info Seeker
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎05-11-2016

Re: Talking with others about grief

Message 29 of 70 (3,262 Views)

I lost my spouse 4 months ago and have had no grieving counseling or anyone to talk to but my adult kid who tries to understand and care but they cant really feel the pain and loss as i do, and they deal with their loss differently, I have a few friends who have had the same loss but they want to talk about things other than how they delt with  grief and loss., should I still be crying and grieving?  My type of fun is shopping or going to casino?  I need a new hobby as this type of grief is costly can any one out there give me some ideas?  thanks  shanana


AARPTeri wrote:

Welcome to AARP's Grief and Loss discussion.  You can read this discussion or if you would like to particpate, simply register for free on AARP.org.  Once registered you will see the reply option to this discussion to post your entry.  If you do not see this and have already registered for AARP.org, click on Sign In and enter your information to log in.

  

If you have additional questions check out our Help area (link:  http://community.aarp.org/t5/hel


AARPTeri wrote:

Welcome to AARP's Grief and Loss discussion.  You can read this discussion or if you would like to particpate, simply register for free on AARP.org.  Once registered you will see the reply option to this discussion to post your entry.  If you do not see this and have already registered for AARP.org, click on Sign In and enter your information to log in.

  

If you have additional questions check out our Help area (link:  http://community.aarp.org/t5/help or specifically how to post at - http://community.aarp.org/t5/help/faqpage/faq-category-id/posting#posting.

 

 

Grieving is a long and hard process.  Talking about it with others who have been through it has been shown to help.  Post here to help one another through this difficult time.



p
or specifically how to post at - http://community.aarp.org/t5/help/faqpage/faq-category-id/posting#posting.

 

 

Grieving is a long and hard process.  Talking about it with others who have been through it has been shown to help.  Post here to help one another through this difficult time.


 

shanana
Info Seeker
Posts: 1
Registered: ‎10-30-2013

Re: Talking with others about grief

Message 30 of 70 (3,147 Views)

I understand how you feel. I lost my husband of 46 years 3/23/2016. I too cry some days yet other days not so much. The hub bub of his memorial is over and a trip I took. Now the realit has hit me like a freight train. I work hard to try to do things productive each day...some days I'm successful!

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