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Frequent Social Butterfly

Re: Talking with others about grief

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Message 11 of 70

mjarvis5 wrote:

Thank you Jane. It's hard to imagine the grief that also comes with the loneliness too. I lost my mom and dad but I also lists two siblings to lung disease. I've lost animals that are like my kids. When do I quit losing?  I thought Michael would be with me for as long as I lived. He was always so healthy. Why does it keep happening. I sometimes wonder how much grief a person can take. It gets overwhelming to me. I just seem to withdrawal from everything and can't find the person I used to be. I've been happy before and don't think that will ever happen again. I guess you just have to realize what is in store and keep pushing thru it


Hi mjarvis,

sometimes pushing thru it is the thing. othertimes, a nice quiet collapse into rest is another thing. for example, what if you got yourself a nice therapeutic massage by a professional. i live out in the boondocks and it's only 40 dollars an hour. i just bartered several knitted items in exchange for 2 massages. i'm so excited. there is nothing more relaxing, in my humble opinion, than an hour long massage. no wait, a 90 minute massage is more relaxing.

 

sometimes it does seem like there's nothing but loss, and change, and more loss. i'm reminded of a book that kinda made me mad years ago, but has come to mean a lot to me: Necessary Losses by Judith Viorst. 

 

when my father died on december 23rd, i was reminded of a hymn and find it comforting 10 years later: Signs of ending all around us; darkness, death and winter days, shroud our lives in fear and sadness, dumbing mouths that long to praise. Come, O Christ, and dwell among us! Hear our cries, come set us free.
Give us hope and faith and gladness. Show us what there yet can be.

Dean W. Nelson, lyrics for hymn

 

I hope you don't mind the religious reference. It was a comfort to me. But at least the lyrics acknowledge that loss, in winter, can feel very sad. 

 

Thank you for writing. Think on your purpose, perhaps. Surely you have many gifts still to offer the world, despite the grief.

 

Jane

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Re: Talking with others about grief

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Message 12 of 70

Thank you Jane. It's hard to imagine the grief that also comes with the loneliness too. I lost my mom and dad but I also lists two siblings to lung disease. I've lost animals that are like my kids. When do I quit losing?  I thought Michael would be with me for as long as I lived. He was always so healthy. Why does it keep happening. I sometimes wonder how much grief a person can take. It gets overwhelming to me. I just seem to withdrawal from everything and can't find the person I used to be. I've been happy before and don't think that will ever happen again. I guess you just have to realize what is in store and keep pushing thru it

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Frequent Social Butterfly

Re: Talking with others about grief

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Message 13 of 70

Hello, Tammie and Sandy, Grief is WORK, or at least that's how I've experienced it. You both are doing all you can to function, and are doing the 'right' things, as far as i can tell, and it's exhausting. I needed more rest, more solitude, more 'breaks', when i was actively grieving. I was lucky to have a supportive husband when my mother died, and many friends and a church and a sibling when my father died. Still, it was like walking uphill in quicksand.

 

Enjoying your dogs, trying one group but then rejecting it when it didn't fit, reaching out but not forcing yourself to be social, these are all great examples of self-care. Remembering the one you lost, sorting through his or her stuff... hard and perhaps full of tears, but necessary as you figure out who you were with them and who you are without.

 

I hope this holiday season isn't excruciating. Anything you can do to be with people who will let you bring your whole (grieving) self to the occasion (of thanksgiving, or solstice or Hanukkah or Christmas or Kwanzaa) would be good. In the tiny town i live in (population 250) the local diner has a thanksgiving potluck meal for anyone who wants to come. Which is awesome. No judgment, come as you are. I hope you both, and anyone else grieving, can find some solace and company.

 

Keep writing. How are you doing today?

 

Jane

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Re: Talking with others about grief

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Message 14 of 70

I'm so sorry. I wish I knew what to tell you to help but I'm still very lonely. I need to get into a grief support group but getting there is hard for me. Michael and I led somewhat of a secluded lifestyle and just spent time with each other. I wish now that we had kids but don't know if that would help. Lot of times younger people don't understand why I would feel lonely. I'm sure I was the same way when I was young. Traveling and getting out is a great idea if you enjoy that. Maybe trying a hospice grief support group would be better. Not sure but that is what I was going to try. Take care and I hope it gets easier with time. So far time passing is all that really helps. Tammie 

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Re: Talking with others about grief

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Message 15 of 70

mjarvis I am in the same situation.  My husband of 30 years passed away in May.  We also had moved from where our families are.   The loneliness has been horrible.  I tried a grief support group with a church that was not mine and it actually made it worse.  I work out of my home and do have contact with other people. But after work the emptiness doesn't go away.   I also have 2 dogs and thank goodness for them. I take them everywhere with me.  At least when I travel I don't feel quite so alone.  Last August I took the motorhome and headed to our kids and my husband's old Border Collie passed away while we were traveling. It absolutely devestated me.  I did get a new Border Collie Pup and hope that the obedience training and agility training will help get me out and focused again.   I get so tired and depressed that I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. 

SandyC
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Re: Talking with others about grief

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Message 16 of 70

mjarvis5 wrote:

My story is so similar to JLincoln008. My husband Michael passed August 13th from cancer. We've been together 31years. Moved to city without family. We didn't have friends; just was us two.  Now I'm so alone and feel lost. I've tried calling hospice for grief counseling 3yimes and no one calls back. I just want to give up. I still work but am basically working by myself and not a lot of contact there either. My brother and sisters were there at the beginning of this but have gone back home. I have 3dogs and I Adam thankfull for them. Tammie


Hi Tammie,

I'm so sorry. Not even three months have gone by. Having lost someone so dear as your beloved husband of 31 years, of course you feel lost. Even though there is nothing 'wrong' with you, have you considered finding a counselor that is not a part of hospice? to help you past the deep isolation you are experiencing now, in a city relatively new to you? I hope your brother and sisters will include you for thanksgiving and christmas. Do go and be with them. 

 

thank goodness for doggies.

 

even though you feel like giving up, what gets you up and going? your dogs? your job? what else?

 

Do you feel Michael's presence? you know he loved you dearly.

 

keep talking. we're here.

jane

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Re: Talking with others about grief

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Message 17 of 70

My story is so similar to JLincoln008. My husband Michael passed August 13th from cancer. We've been together 31years. Moved to city without family. We didn't have friends; just was us two.  Now I'm so alone and feel lost. I've tried calling hospice for grief counseling 3yimes and no one calls back. I just want to give up. I still work but am basically working by myself and not a lot of contact there either. My brother and sisters were there at the beginning of this but have gone back home. I have 3dogs and I Adam thankfull for them. Tammie

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Frequent Social Butterfly

Re: Talking with others about grief

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Message 18 of 70

Thank you for your candor, Newbie. I am so so sorry. 69 is so young.

 

This grief will be your winter, and it corresponds with the dying of the light. Which, as you know, will return in Spring. Every day will be lighter, starting with the winter solstice. A little bit more light each day. This period of acute grief is so hard, and no one but those who've gone through it, will know.

 

Although you are understandably finding it hard to put one foot in front of the other, I wonder if looking into a widowers group might be affirming. Here's one: https://www.dailystrength.org/group/widows-widowers. No idea if it will help, and can't vouch for 'quality' or 'wisdom.'  Sometimes, misery shared is misery halved. Or in the case of such deep grief, lessened by maybe 10%. ?

 

I'm glad you have church, and friends. Was she is hospice? If so, could the bereavement coordinator provide a listening ear? i know that one of the concerns of people who are bereaved is that friends and others will become tired of the deep sorrow and start avoiding. Also, people not going through grief will have trouble thinking of what to say. You now have renewed compassion for people suffering terrible loss. Can you muster the energy to find others who truly understand?

 

Just a thought.

 

When my mother died, i remember going through a box of letters she'd sent me over the years, and immersing myself in her 'voice' and odd anecdotes she'd shared with me.

 

I also remember being in a fog. Like i was one or two beats slower than everyone else.

 

Thank you for writing and sharing. It is so very hard to do this grieving, and yet humans have survived grief since we were created. I am so sorry it is so hard.

 

Jane

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Re: Talking with others about grief

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Message 19 of 70

I lost my wife, companion, and best friend of 47 years a month ago tomorrow. Susan was 69. Since so little time has passed, I'm still in the shock phase and am just floundering around trying to make it through each day. I agree with you that the pain is something more than I could ever have imagined. Some days it feels like its just not worth going on. Then I think of our two daughters, who lost their mother, and their spouses and each has one child (my granddaughters) and I see reasons to go on living. My two daughters are very close to me and were to their mother as well; they are just devastated. I'm being strong for them. After the funeral, they were able to stay for a couple of weeks but had to return to their homes and lives, one in Virginia Beach and one in Hawaii. I knew the first week alone in our retirement home that my wife designed was going to be hard. I underestimated - it was worse than bad. I just feel like there is a huge **bleep** hole in my being and I don't know how to getthrought it or around it yet. I have close firends, a supportive Church family, and am blessed in many ways - its just hard to appreciate those blessings right now.

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Regular Social Butterfly

Re: Talking with others about grief

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Message 20 of 70
G,
I'm hoping you're doing okay. I found a good article on anxiety and grief: it might be helpful to you. I hope you come back and tell us how you're doing.

http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/anxiety-in-grief/

all the best,
Jane
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